How much fun can this be?
by ISnortSugar
Summary: Roses are dying, violets are dead; I suck at summaries, here's a story. Rated M for VERY strong language.
1. Sleep well young one, the torture starts

Disclaimer: My name is Teaghan. I am 18. I never wish to have children or get married.

Chapter One

Gah! Today had been the longest damned day of the year. All I heard was "Twilight", "Twilight" and "OMG isn't Edward like the most hottest thing EVER?". And now, all I wanted to do was slam my head against a wall several hundred times, take some panadol to ease the headache, then overdose on sleeping pills so I might never have to wake up to the insanity again.

As I was home on my own again – Dad had gone away for three months – I'd cooked, eaten, washed up, showered and now I was ready to sleep. I sighed heavily, happy that I didn't have to see, hear or think about Twilight or it's descendants until at least tomorrow. But, you see, fate had never been particularly kind to me, and as I walked into my room I wanted to burst into tears.

Where my room is normally an off white color, with my black bedspread, black shelves, red teddy bear blankie and my photo wall, the entire room had been drastically changed. Instead of my normal black sheets and pillow cases, Edward's disgusting face glared up at me and the horrible words that had been rolling off tongues for god knows how long etched in my face. My red teddy blankie had been replaced too… by Bella's face, staring… at my roof. I followed the blanket's gaze up to my roof and the shock I felt made my mouth drop almost to the floor. The ENTIRE roof, was COVERED with various images of the Cullen clan, plus Jacob with a black background. I shut my eyes.

"Please, please if there is a god, let this be some massive hallucination." I pleaded and begged out loud.

I opened my eyes slowly to look at my walls. The scene almost made me want to cry. My photo wall was no more, instead it had been replaced by a giant mural with "And the Lion fell in love with the Lamb" in that stupid font painted on all six walls – there was a strange corner in my room. I slapped my hand into my face and started muttering.

"There can't possibly be anything more."

Oh how wrong I was. On removing my face, I found in the corner of my room, my air fan had been replaced by a large bean bag with Rosalie's face on it. On my book shelf, every book on teen angst, thriller, horror, sci-fi and the supernatural had been replaced with Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn, along with the Robert Pattinson books, poster books, sticker books and even a few coloring in books.

"There is NO WAY IN HELL, I am sleeping in this room…. EVER again."

At that exact moment, my phone vibrated in my hand. I lifted it and looked at the little display that told me how many messages I had… .God. 274 messages. I opened the folder.

_Do you like your room?_

_Thank god you were gone for the weekend!_

_Your dad gave us permission._

_You're not getting your stuff back until you ADMIT that you like it._

And more messages along those lines

… I hit reply all.

_FUCK. The lot of you._

Send.

I sighed again and remembered something. Stepping into the Twi-infected room, I opened my wardrobe cautiously and almost fainted.

Reply all.

_And I want my clothes back._

I would never, EVER, wear the crap they'd put in there.

Moving out of the room as quickly as I could, I shut the door hard and sighed, leaning against it… until I had the paranoid thought that the paint would seep under the door and swallow me whole. I pushed away quickly, staring at the door like it had just opened the gate way to hell – true enough – before I shook my head and went back downstairs.

Looks like I was sleeping on the couch tonight.

**Yes, it's the beginning chapter. Cullen torture starts next chapter.**


	2. WHY AM I HERE!

Disclaimer: Still don't want kids. Still called Teaghan.

Chapter two

The sunlight shining in through the open window turned the back of my eyelids a flaming red and the heat of the rays woke me up. I scrunched my eyes against the glare and turned over, snuggling into the soft couch. "No, I don't want eggs on my cactus. Leave the beer fruit alone!" I mumbled into the cushion.

A shadow passed over my head area and I shifted slightly so that if I felt compelled to open my eyes, I could. "Go away dad. It's a Saturday." I was still groggy with sleep.

"I think she's delusional."

"Still doesn't explain how she got here."

"Actually, it's Tuesday."

I didn't hear the first two voices properly as they seemed far away, but the third one was close, and made me bolt upright, eyes still closed.

"Fart sharks!" I yelled, quite loudly, and attempted to stand up. Apparently, I was too quick as the blanket I'd gotten last night had twisted around my feet and locked them in some weird embrace. So, naturally, I fell on my face.

I really don't want to get up now. I mean, this carpet is so nice and soft and fuzzy… hang on. Soft couch…. Fuzzy carpet… did Dad come home and change the furniture around? My mind immediately went back to the scene of Twi-carnage in my room and a very visible shudder ran through my body. Suddenly, I was standing, and being shaken.

"ARE YOU OK?! OH CRAP! Are you having a seizure!?"

"Hold her tongue!"

"Slap her!"

"Where's Carlisle?!"

CARLISLE?! Oh hell no. No. Nononononoooooo! Bull shit. I opened one eye a fraction and squeaked, while pushing away the spiky haloed vampire in front of me. "This is a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very-"

"How much longer?"

"10 minutes." Two voices, one male, one female said.

"VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY bad joke." I opened my eyes fully now and dropped onto the edge of the couch. "This cannot be happening."

Alice stepped closer to me and bent down slightly.

"Are you alright?"

I looked up her, my eyes suddenly growing dark in anger… but tinged with the beginning thoughts of an excellent idea.

"No. I am not alright. I get home from a weekend away, find my room has been Twidied up. I had to sleep on the couch and then I wake up…. HERE, of all places!"

The vampires looked at each other, sharing uneasy glances.

"So, you don't know how you got here."

"You're guess is as good as mine, pixie."

A low growl started in Alice's chest and I smirked darkly.

"So, this is the … infamous, Cullen household, eh?" I stood up, stepped around Alice ad walked over to the TV. Four sets of eyes followed me.

"She's coming off as inquisitive… and very dark… satirical."

"Shut up, Jasper." I said brashly and threw him a dirty look. "Just because you can feel my up in ways others can't doesn't meant you have to flaunt it… especially around your wife!"

Emmett started laughing quietly, Edward was trying to hold back a smile and Alice and Jasper both growled at the same time, though Jasper looked a little uneasy. On to the light switches!

"Woooow! What do you call these?"

"Light switches." Edward said. The four pairs of eyes were still focused on me. "How do you know who we are?" Edward asked. His tone was one of no-nonsense, but since when did I ever listen to people's tones?

"Twi-hards. They're everywhere. Quite annoying really. Always screaming." I stopped in the middle of the room and looked up at the fan. "I want one of those!"

"Twi-hards?" The four vampires asked unanimously.

"Yes. Vicious little creatures… like pixies." I shot another look at Alice and laughed darkly. She growled.

"Stop calling me pixie. And what are twi-hards?"

"People. Who like Twilight… hard. Vicious, rabid people."

The vampires swapped looks again and I disappeared, looking underneath the couches.

"Someone call Carlisle."

"OH MY GOD! CARLISLE IS HERE?!"

30 minutes later

"So you don't know how you got here?" Carlisle. He was so cute. And his eyes… they were so golden. And he was so nice. I threw a glare at Edward, knowing that he was probably reading my mind, and threw mental hints at the mind reader. He looked unamused at my silent antics.

"Well, if I did, I'd go back. There's nothing worse than me being stuck in a house with _you lot_."

"What's wrong with us?" Emmett asked defensively.

"Alice, is a pixie. Edward, is a freak. Rosalie, wears too much make-up. Bella, complains too much. Renesmee…. 'nuff said. And Esme, kinda scares me with her over motherly behavior."

"What about Carlisle, Jasper and Emmet?" Edward piped in.

"Carlisle is… Carlisle. Emmett if just awesome and Jasper…" I lowered my head slightly and grinned slyly, Jasper flinched. "Jasper is just fun to toy with. Oh my god! NEW IDEA!"

Carlisle and Emmett alternated at looking between Alice and Edward. Both shrugged.

"She didn't think anything."

"She didn't decide anything."

They said it at the same time. Haha. Oh, this was going to be too much fun.

"So, I got here via one of several methods. 1) …. I want a cookie. I want a cookie. I want a cookie. I want a-"

A hand clamped over my mouth and I forced sadness to radiate from me. Jasper, from the corner of my eye, curled up slightly and looked despondent. Hahaha. Sucker!

"That's not very nice." Edward… again.

"He's getting over it. Look!"

True, Jasper had straightened up and looked somewhat happy now. And for a mini-finale!

"What are you planning?" Edward asked suspiciously.

I 'suddenly' got this overwhelming urge to smack Edward around the head and try to choke him…. Sure enough, seconds later, a resounding crack and Edward's disgruntled yelling started up. I snickered.

"One more question, what's your name?"

"Lillian!"

"The loser," Edward pinned on.

I turned slowly to glare at Edward.

"You'll regret that, 107 year old virgin." Because Bella still has the hots for Jacob and if he doesn't stop being mean, I'll find a way for their "thing" to become… well, more of a thing.

"WHAT?! BELLA!" Jasper had let go of Edward and Edward ran off. I laughed, Emmett was _still_ laughing. I assumed it to be about the virgin comment.

"Well, you're staying with us until we figure out how to get you back home," Carlisle said with a tone of finality.

"EWWWW! NO WAY! I don't want to stay with yooooooou lot!"

"Fine then. I'll call Jacob."

I shoved my fingers down my throat before Alice could react and my mouth filled with the pre-taste of vomit. "Don't make me vomit, Carlisle! He's even uglier than you guys!"

"Well then. You're staying here."

"Hehehehehe. OK. Hey Emmett…."

Carlisle walked off now, obviously not interested in knowing what I planned to do, his car started a few seconds later and then left. Okay, so maybe he was going back to work then.

"Alice, why don't you go shopping. I think I'm going to need some clothes."

Alice looked excited for a moment before she studied me. "You'll fit my clothes."

"No. A seven year old would fit your clothes. I, however, am 18. You, therefore, must go shopping to buy me clothes."

Alice's face lit up again and she went to grab a hold of my hand. Good thing she was going human speed and I pulled my hand back. "Size 12."

Alice started down at me. "I just…" I started pretending to cry and Jasper shrunk away. "I just don't think I'd be a very good shopping partner. I'm so slooow!"

I let my head bang forward on the table and heard two soft swishes of cloth, followed by the sound of another engine in the driveway.

"That was pretty good." Emmett was such a cool person. I could never… nah, I'd take that back later.

"Let's go and…. Trash… Alice's, Edward's, music collection, wardrobe. .GOD. LET'S GO GET DONUTS!"

"Ummm…. What?"

"LET'S… go… get… TRASH… Alice's…. donuts…WARDROBE!"

"I don't understand."

"The first and second words. Along with the third, fourth and last one."

Emmett took a second and a half, exactly, to figure out what I was talking about and grin. "DONUTS!" I shouted.

"Yes. Donuts." Emmett agreed.

We both smirked wickedly.

**Yeah? No?**


	3. Rule 1: Don't trash Alice's wardrobe

Disclaimer: **Okay, fine. I'm Stephanie Meyer in disguise.**

Steph: … No you aren't.

… **THEY WERE ALMOST BELIEVING IT!**

Steph: No they weren't.

***sighs* Fine. Keep your trash novel!**

Chapter three

Two hours later and Alice's wardrobe was almost entirely ransacked, with donut crumbs and sugar on everything. Apparently, vampires stocked them! At least they come in handy for something. "So, wha's wiv da momufs?"

Emmett looked up at me from the floor where he was still throwing clothes all over the place. One rolled up shirt hit me in the knee with such force that it knocked me over face first. At the last second, I put my hands out and they sunk elbow deep into the sea of Alice's clothes. I started laughing almost hysterically. There's one problem with eating and laughing at the same time. You need to breath, and laughing generally involves an open mouth. Donut crumbs flew into the air like a fountain and descended back on the clothing carnage. Emmett started shaking with laughter too, so much so that the floor started vibrating.

"Wet's get mimabble!"

Emmett stopped laughing quickly and sat up straight. "Oh crap. She'll kill us! … or… me… or you… or …. Oh crap!" Before I knew it, I was being scooped up and run into Emmett's and Rosalie's room. Emmett dropped me ungratefully onto their bed and started looking for a good place to… I don't know. I didn't care. He was looking quite intently though. Hmmm….. While Emmett was busy with his task, I set myself another.

Rosalie's wardrobe wasn't as big as Alice's, but it still had a lot of clothes in it. "Emmett, where's Rosalie?" I could talk properly now as the remainder of my donut had been – "EMMETT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Emmett sidled past me quickly, shut the door and locked it from the inside. "Hey say whaaaaaaat? I'm the one that can be hurt easily!"

At that moment, Alice burst into the room and saw me staring at, and talking to, the wardrobe door.

"YOU! You evil… evil… little-"

I coughed once and gestured to my height, then pointed out roughly where she came up to on me. "Little?" Alice was breathing in and out heavily by now. "Emmett's in there." I said quickly, trying to save my pale human skin and get outside without being mauled.

"Emmett…. McCarty… Cullen." Alice was speaking slowly… veeerrryy slowly, and through her teeth. I started inching away from the wardrobe door as she inched towards it. Emmett opened it slowly and peered out from inside. "It was all HER idea!"

Alice looked at me.

"OH MY GOD EMMETT! Alice, how could I, a small, insignificant, _weak_ human, possibly be able to overcome the sheer strength of a vaaaaampire?"

Alice looked back at Emmett, fury in her eyes. Emmett looked at me. I smirked.

"You clever, deceitful little human girl."

"See, Alice, he's allowed to call me little." I gestured to approximately where Emmett would stand and ran out of the room. Her fury was specifically for Emmett.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I grinned to myself.

"One down, seven to go. ESME! I NEED A PAPER AND PEN!"

**Short chapter. I'm not going to ask for reviews, because they don't make me tyoe faster, they don't give me inspiration and I don't really care what you think. However, if you do want to review, it will make me smile. How much more incentive do you need? At least I'm not lying.**


	4. Hosalie

Disclaimer: **Edward said I could have Eclipse.**

Edward: No I didn't!

Steph: You're obsessed with owning my books aren't you?

**Fine then! Can I at least have Bree?**

Steph: No.

***sighs* Enjoy this short chapter.**

Chapter four

After retrieving my paper and pen. Some fancy piece of gold that I couldn't stop staring at for hours, and was still currently staring at, Rosalie walked into the room.

"For the love of _god!_ Another one?"

"Peeeeeeen." I said, holding up the golden piece of magnificence so the overly dyed beauty queen could see it too… .GOD! Overly-dyed-beauty-queen was here! I threw the pen behind me as I turned around exceptionally fast for a human and opened my arms wide, a smile plastered on my face. "ROSIE! OH MY GOD!! I've missed you soooooo much! How are you?"

Using the chair, I grabbed hold of the back and propelled myself off of it, sending it sliding back as I kicked off the back to launch myself. The chair hit the table, which wobbled it, which wobbled the vase on top of it. Rosalie moved quickly to stop the vase from tipping and smashing and I ended up slamming my face into the side of the door frame. Blood spurted out of my nose quickly and I shot my hand up to my face to keep it in. Behind me, I could hear Rosalie breathing in deeply and turned around. "NO! Bad kitty! This is sugar based! FOOD!"

"Yeeeaah… food." Rosalie's eyes were black, as opposed to the golden they had been a few seconds before. "EEEEEESSSSSS-" Rosalie had her hand across my mouth before I could get the rest of it out, her face slowly inched forward so it was level with mine. "Do. Not. Scream." Her voice wasn't as deadly low as Alice's, but still quite frightening. Hmmm. I wonder how much fun I could have with a hungry vampire. I poked out my tongue and licked Rosalie's hand, some of my blood had gotten onto it, so I thought of it as cleaning really… or taking back what was mine.

Before she had time to react to that, I put out my clean hand and closed her nostrils. "BAD KITTY!" Quickly, I let go and slapped her, then closed her nostrils again. Slowly, veeery slowly. Tediously slowly. Her eyes changed back to a semi-golden color and she pushed away from me, probably holding in her breath.

"Fucking humans." She hissed at me and ran out. "CLEAN THAT UP!"

I looked back at the spilt blood and the held back tears started coming out. "But… I don't want to!" Esme stepped inside the dining room then and looked at me. She almost vomited, or whatever they did when repulsed so vilely.

"Oh no! What happened in here?"

I rubbed my eyes and sniffled. "Ho-salie is a such a BITCH. I'm assuming she eats out of Jacob's dog bowl?" I sniffled again. Esme had left and come back with cleaning supplies, including bleach, and pushed me out of the way. I don't get revenge, I get even.

"You know Esme, she almost knocked over that vase on the table."

The bleach Esme was holding suddenly shook violently and a large gush of it emptied over the blood stain. After that, it was cleaned up in seconds. Esme smoothed my hair down, kissed the top of my head and rushed out.

"Gah. Vampire cooties. Even Head & Shoulders can't get rid of _that_ kind of dandruff."

I stalked off outside.

**Ho-salie is the creation of The Dawn Is Breaking. She (?) is an awesome writer. Go read her stuff. Yes, shameless advertising of another author's stuff.**

***This space* can be where I advertise YOUR stories. Just review, tell me where your story is, I'll read it and if I think it good enough, it'll be put here in a chapter… after chapter five or six.**


	5. Meeting Jacob, Edward's gay

Disclaimer: **I never want to own Twilight… ever. I do, however, own Lillian. And later on, I will own Edwardo.**

Edward: You will never own me.

… **Not YOU, you freak. EDWARDO! You can go die in a dumpster!**

Edward: How nice.

**ENJOY MY LONG CHAPTER!**

Chapter five

Oh no. The area surrounding the house was exactly as it had been described. All pretty and green and …. Forest surrounding-y. From one of the trees, a rustle came before a streak of russet bowled into me. Now I'm lying flat on my back, the fangs of a disgusting mutated giant dog snarling at me. "OMG! LEPRECHAUN!" I grabbed onto the nostrils of the giant freak and pushed its head away from me. It came back with a slightly more vicious snarl. I trembled my bottom lip for a moment. Jacob continued snarling. A few more giant wolves joined him and stood around in a … kind of weird semi-circle. I trembled my bottom lip again and started whimpering. One of the wolves barked softly at The Russet Retard and he snapped his mouth at the other wolf. I started crying.

"EEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jacob jumped back quickly and his head shot up as Esme came out of the house. The wolves disappeared for a moment and I stood up, forced tears still running. Damn it, how did I turn them off last time? While Jacob and his friends were shifting back and getting changed, I walked off, sniffling in the nose mucus that came with any kind of crying and disappeared around the side of the house. A few seconds later, I heard Esme shouting at Jacob and his pack before Jacob retaliated with yelling as well. Rosalie soon joined Esme, and Emmett next - I knew because they joined in the argument as well. Alice appeared in front of me, blowing my hair around my face. "And just after I brushed it too."

"Well, you missed a leaf." She retorted and went to grab me.

"NO! I have to… find… something." I smirked and she narrowed her eyes.

"They want to talk to you."

"And IIIIII want to find something first."

"What do you want?" Alice sounded impatient.

"I don't know."

"Then look for it later."

"NO! I WANT IT NOW!"

"Can I help?" Emmett stopped in between Alice and me.

"NO!" I shouted and ran around them, headed for the garage. Apparently, they were curious. I only assumed that because Emmett already had the door open for me and Alice wasn't stopping me.

INTO THE GARAGE! Ooohhh… Rosalie's car. I walked over to Emmett's, he was most likely to have one.

"LILLIAN!" Several shouts came from the other side of the house.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can all wait. _You_ have an eternity!" I mumbled. Emmett laughed quickly before Alice shot him a very bad look.

"AHA!" I exclaimed, dragging out the heavy piece of metal. "Umf. !"

Emmett picked up the metal bar, me still dangling off it and smirked.

"You could have asked."

"Can I?"

"Can you carry it?" Alice stood next to me, still impatient.

"Of course I can! Stupid vampires thinking I can't carry it! GOD!"

Alice grabbed hold of my waist, Emmett took the bar, and after a very quick run, we were back around the other side of the house. Emmett was holding the crow bar behind his back and whispering something to Rosalie that made her look at me and smirk in satisfaction.

When Alice put me down, I swaggered slightly, trying to find a foot hold that _wasn't_ moving, and ended up throwing up on Jacob, who'd come to try and help me stand up-right… maybe.

"You should think about maybe taking shoes with you too." I commented.

"Mmm. Thanks for that." He said, slightly disgruntled and wiping his foot off on the grass.

"So, subjects! What can your Highness do for you?"

"She's not big headed at all is she?" Leah said, loud enough for me to hear.

"Of course I'm not. I bored, wanting to do something, and wanting to get home."

"Esme said you were staying here with them." Jacob.

"Very astute observation young pup. What tipped you off? The fact you tried to eat me on the lawn, or that Esme told you?"

"Umm… Esme told me."

"Goodie. Emmett, I could use that thing now."

Emmett stood beside me in the next second and he and Jacob had a staring contest while he handed me the bar, then he went back and stood next to Rosalie, putting his arm around her waist. She was still smirking.

"So, you don't want to be turned into a vampire?" Jacob had turned back to his questioning.

"What?! Of course I do! Oh, my, gosh! Who wouldn't want to live forever and eat people?" My tone was nothing but sarcastic and Jacob looked up and shot a filthy, triumphant smirk at the vampires. In that second, I shifted the crow bars weight and swung it at his knee cap. He didn't realize in time and the bar solidly hit him. There was a small crack as his knee buckled forward, but that was it.

"WHAT?! NO WAY! That's not far! EMMETT! Can you smack him in the head for me?"

Rosalie came over this time and grabbed the crow bar off me, making a small nick in my hand where the end scratched it. "Jee, if you want my blood I'll get Carlisle to put it in a fucking sippie cup for you." Before the smell got too much airborne, I put my mouth over it.

Rosalie had dropped the crowbar – onto Jacob's foot – and a much louder crack was heard including Jacob throwing a few profanities into the air. "Hey what? Why do you get to break his bones?" I asked, frowning at her.

Rosalie covered her nose. "Must you continuously bleed?"

"I CAN'T CONTROL THAT TIME OF THE MONTH OKAY! GOD! You're so fucking insensitive Rosalie!"

No-one moved. No-one said anything. Rosalie was looking at me with a raised eyebrow, Jacob looked like he wanted to be somewhere else.

…

…

…

"OH! My hand!"

"Yeah. And you're face."

"YOUR FACE!" I yelled back at Rosalie.

Rosalie and I had a stare off. Her glaring, me just staring… right into her eyes… her soul! After about a minute, I gave up and stormed back to the house. "Fucking vampires and their never needing to fucking blink. Fuck it all!"

Inside the house, I went straight to the kitchen. It was about two o'clock now and I was starting to get hungry. All I'd eaten were donuts! And that sugar high had run out about half an hour ago. Searching through the Cullen's kitchen, I happened across the pantry and walked in, shutting the door behind me. This room was almost as big as the kitchen itself! And stocked well! Almost like a shopping center. … "Thanks Esme."

"What for?"

Esme was standing next to me and I jumped into the shelf.

"OH FUCK! Don't do that!"

"You should stop swearing. You sound worse than Jacob."

I narrowed my eyes. She looked back at me with that sweet and motherly look that exuded from her person and tried to creep into me. She was the type of person you didn't want to see "cry" … haha, lucky for me, I loved watching ANYONE cry.

"Are you alright? Are you hungry? Do you want me to cook something for you?"

"Actually, I'm craving steak." I licked one side of my teeth in thought… that was a good opening as any.

"How do you like it?" Still too caring.

"Fresh." I replied, face dead straight, though I was almost pissing myself with laughter on the inside. Esme looked taken aback.

"F-fresh?"

"Yep. Fresh off the animal."

"Do you have any preference?" Her tone had gone back to caring, no hint of being worried… damn vegetarian vampires. Someone outside laughed, I assumed it was Edward.

"Deer. Cow. Cute fuzzy rabbit. I'm not fussed."

Esme's face went back to concerned, then she turned and left. Now! TO THE LOLLIES! NO! Wait…. Jasper is gay with Emmett.

Another laugh outside, louder this time.

And Edward likes to film it.

No more laughter. Okay, I'd have to be careful with my…. OOOH! TEA BAGS!

I walked over to the lollies I'd spotted earlier. WIZZ FIZZ! Powder lolly. Yuuuummmm…. Taking down one of the packets, I looked at it and smiled. Yeah, this would do.

Out of the pantry, I emptied the sachet of white powder onto the counter and went into one of the kitchen draws, looking for a knife… instead; I found a stash of Alice's credit cards. This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home. AND Iiiiiiiii-e-iiiiiii will alwaaaaaaays love yooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EDWARD IS GAY!

"I AM NOT!"

I snickered and took out one of the cards, still singing sappy love songs with intervening thoughts of Edward and his glittering. What straight man glittered anyway?! Bella must be a smoke screen for his true love…. JACOB!

"I AM NOT GAY WITH JACOB!"

An echoing laugh erupted from upstairs, a softer one behind that. Two more laughs came from the living room, and I'm fairly sure I heard Bella laugh and try to cover it with a cough too.

Now everyone knows your secret Edward… including Jacob.

The powder had been separated into lines now. Only one more vampire to get rid of. I decided to burn all of Alice's clothes in….maybe now. She couldn't save them all.

… wait for it…

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!"

Next thing I heard was a door slamming above me. Good.

Blocking one nostril, I sniffed up the first line of sherbet, held my nose, covered it, and sniffed up the one next to it with my other nostril. I did this for the next four lines. All without managing to think about it or decide to do it. Of course, singing the Pokémon theme song and deciding to go and buy a midget, then a car, then a horse, then Africa takes a lot of time. Now I just had to wait for the sugar to reach my brain. 20… 19… 18… 17.

I walked into the living room and sat down, Alice was glaring at me and Jasper had a stupid grin on his face. 10… 9… 8… I sat down. 7… 6… 5…My foot started tapping. 4… 3… 2… The other one joined it. 1! "OHMYGODILOVEELVESALICECANWEGOTTOANTARCTICAANDADOPTAPENGUIN?! I like cooooooooooookiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

My knees were bouncing so quickly that it was making my entire body shake viciously.

"She's not having a seizure is she?" Jasper asked.

"I don't… I don't think so. Edward?"

Edward and Bella appeared in the door way and Edward looked at me before his hand shot up to his head. "SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!"

AndthentherewasthisonedaythatIwenttothezooandohwowitwasabsolutelyamazingandthreenightsagoIhadadinnerofIndianbutterchickenandaroostercameinanddroppedontomyheadandgrantedmethreewishesbutonlytwoworkedbecauseI'mheresoobviouslymythirdwishdidn'tcometrue. Iwishithad.

"She's giving me a headache."

Jasper, Alice, Bella and I all looked up at him.

"Edward? How can she give you a –"

"Maybeyoushouldtakeanasprinforitbecausethatusuallymakesheadachesbetterandgoawaybecauseithassomekindofreallycoolchemicalinitthataffectsthebrainsomehowanditmakesthepaingoaway. Isn't that amazing?"

Everyone looked back at me.

"No? Yeah? Ithinkitis. IfailedsciencebutIstillfinditkindacool. IwannabeadoctorwhenIgrowup,butIknowIwon'tbeabletobeadoctorbecauseIfailedscienceandmathsandnevertookitupingradeelevenandtwelve. Butitwouldstillbecool, right?"

No-one responded.

"Where'sCarlisle? Maybehe'llgotoAntarcticaandadoptapenguinwithme. I mean, it'snotlikethecoldaffectsoyouguysanywayright? HAHAHAHAH!"

"She doesn't have any pupils, Edward."

Edward walked over, grabbed my head and looked into my eyes. I giggled.

"Idon'tthinkBellawouldlikethat. Youtwoaremarriedyouknow. Andyouhaveakid. Evenifsheisafreak."

"I want you to slow down and answer my question okay?"

"Okay."

"What, have you eaten?"

I giggled for more than half a minute before Edward lightly tapped my head. "What, have you eaten?" He repeated.

"I. Had. Donuts. I didn'tknowvampiresstockeddonuts,butthenagain, yourfreakdaughtereatshumanfooddoesn'tshe?"

"Just donuts?" Edward asked, obviously not believing me.

"Well…" I giggled again. "Not tellin'."

"Would you tell Emmett? Or Carlisle? Or Esme?"

"SQUISHY CARLISLE!"

Jasper gave a short laugh, probably at the vibes I was sending out. Sugar highs were fun.

"Sugar high." Edward said, letting me go and turning around.

Once free, I jumped off the couch and ran over to the window, splayed my hands against it and smooshed my face against the glass before I licked it. "Mmmmmm."

"It looks like she's going to drop into a coma." Alice's voice alerted me to their presence. Apparently they'd been having a conversation and I hadn't heard it.

"IWANNAGOSWIMMING! IWANTALION! IWANTTOSMACKJACOBINTHEFACE!"

"Can we let her do the third one? Please Bella?" Edward sounded kinda desperate.

"He'llwithholdonsexifyoudon'tagree."

They all looked at me and I started giggling. I skipped over to Jasper and threw myself against the couch, still bouncing up and down. Jasper was smiling, his beautiful white teeth gleaming in the light. I got dazzled.

"Edward doesn't dazzle as good as a 164 year old Confederate soldier." I mumbled. Jasper laughed, as did everyone else. Emmett and Rosalie too, as they had just joined us.

"JASPERLIKESGOODVIBES!" I yelled before launching myself at the sitting vampire and locking my arms around his neck. To add to my good vibe give-away, I rubbed my face into his shoulder. "Gooooood viiiibes. Goooood viiiiibes. Gooooood viiiiiiibes. Jasper likes gooooooood viiiiiibes!"

"Lillian?" Esme called from the kitchen.

"In here, Esme," Rosalie said at a normal tone. Esme was sitting next to me the next second with the steak… on a plate. "OMG! DINNER!"

I grabbed the plate off her and all of the vampires looked at me. Jasper's eyes, in particular, started going black. I glared at him angrily. Sugar highs don't necessarily mean you're nice. "Jaaassper…" I said slowly and darkly. But, he wasn't looking at the meat… he was looking at me. ... I looked down at the steak… then up at Jasper… then at the steak… then at Jasper and smirked darkly. "WHO WANTS BLOOD?!" I yelled before smearing underneath his nose with the animal blood. "Go hunt, emo."

Jasper was obviously taken aback by my sudden display of… something, and Alice and he left… I looked at Edward.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"They're taking your advice."

"Edward, go jump off a cliff!" I snickered darkly and bit down on the warm, still pulsing animal meat. Edward growled softly. "Hey, Bella did it!" I yanked back on the meat, but I was, after all, still a human. The meat didn't break off. I yanked again… and again… and again. In the process of me trying to rip the meat with my teeth, I just succeeded in bloodying up my face before the one chunk finally came off and I could chew it in my mouth.

"Do you need some help there?" Esme asked.

"NO! I DO NOT NEED YOUR FREAK TEETH TOUCHING MY STEAK!"

"How do you think she got it off the animal?" Edward was smiling satisfactorily on his couch, I just stared at the meat like it had swine flu.

"You've already started eating it. Now you gotta finish the rest or Esme will think you don't like it."

"I DO LIKE IT!" I yelled at Emmett.

"Then eat the rest of it." He was smirking now.

I started the water works again. "My teeth aren't shark sharp!" Esme left for a few seconds and came back, sitting where Jasper had been. She now held a knife and a spearing fork. I held the plate out and she cut it into bite sized pieces. "Thanks."

"That's okay." Esme was still smiling. OH MY GOD! Did she ever NOT smile? Which vase did you have to break around here to get her upset…. Hey, speaking of vases…. Edward he went out one day, over the hill and far away, Bella said 'GET BACK HERE SO WE CAN HAVE SEX' but he was already doing it with Jaa-acob.

"I am NOT gay with JACOB!"

"As much as you say that, I'm still going to say you are…. You do realize that don't you?"

Edward was trying to regulate his breathing and I popped a piece of steak into my mouth, thoughtfully chewing it while he didn't respond. Silence after a question like that can only mean one thing Eddie-kins… Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

"I'm _married_ to _Bella_."

And Jacob is your mistress?

"NO!"

Getting you angry is so easy… who's on top? I suppose it would have to be Jacob…

"I AM NOT GAY WITH JACOB!"

So you've said.

"Then that's the end of it."

Not on your life gay boy.

Edward exclaimed loudly, swore and walked out of the room, Bella in two. I started laughing and Emmett, Rosalie and Esme looked at the door, and then me.

"You really shouldn't call Edward gay."

"It's cuz I'm human… ISN'T IT!?"

**Oooooh! Long chapter. And I'm leaving at that little cliff hanger because I hate you all… just joking. I never finished it before I put it up. Sooo….. yeah.**


	6. Ask Carlisle

Disclaimer: **I rule the world, therefore, I rule Twilight.**

Steph: You don't own-

**NO! I **_**rule**_** it. I don't own it.**

Steph: … that was simple.

**What's your point, Mormon?**

**Big thanks go out to Alice Vampire for being the VERY FIRST PERSON to review this story. Kudos! For being the first, she gets the prize of being absolutely awesome, receives a free cyber cake, and gets mentioned in the chapter announcement. Yes, I give away awesome prizes for people who review.**

**-cyber cake for Alice Vampire-**

Chapter six: Ask Carlisle

Esme stifled a giggle as she took in the seriousness of my face. Of course, it was fake, but I wasn't going to tell her that.

"Of course it's because you're human," Rosalie said, rolling her eyes and crossing her legs as she said that.

I glared at Rosalie for a few seconds, narrowed my eyebrows and thinned my mouth. "You may be a vampire Hosalie, but I'm a human… a very… persuasive, irritating human."

Rosalie's mouth dropped open. "You did _not_ just call me a ho."

I gasped in a very dramatic fashion and covered my mouth. "Why would I insult garden tools like that? Even _they_ have some sense of dignity." That was followed by the ghetto neck roll. Rosalie started growling from deep in her chest.

"Keep growling like that and your boobs will fall off."

"Lillian, can you please stop insulting everyone?" Esme was nice… too nice. I wonder what would happen if a vampire snorted cocaine or something like that. Note to self: ask Carlisle if narcotics affect vampires.

"But it's so fun! … and easy! And you give me too much material to work with. I CAN'T JUST LET IT SLIP BY!" By the last sentence, I was directly in Esme's face, my own crinkled with mock worry. I grabbed onto her shoulders. "WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT INSULTING ALL YOU FREAKS????"

"How about pick up a hobby? … away from us."

I let go of Esme's shoulders and turned around slowly to glare at Rosalie.

Fine! If she wanted to act like little miss priss, I'd show her a thing or two!

In an overly dramatic teen beauty queen fashion, I sat down, cross my legs, put my hands on my knees and sighed. "Oh my gosh, like… Rosalie. Why are you like, so like, mean to me? What did I, like, ever do to you?"

"Oh no! Rosalie! Look at what you've done! You've… made _her_ into a freak." Emmett leant forward and looked at me cautiously. I giggled and flicked my hair in a flirty way.

"I like shopping." I giggled. That turned out to be a very BAD thing to say.

"WHAT?! YOU LIKE SHOPPING?!" I didn't hear anything after that. Mostly because Alice had squealed in my ear and I was temporarily deaf.

"AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING! I'M DEAF! HEEEEEELLLLLLLLP MEEEEEE, CAAAAARLIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSLLLLLLLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Closing my eyes, I tried to do the ear popping thing. I filled my mouth with air and tried blowing it out through my tightly closed lips. IT WORKED!

"Oh thank GOD!" I gasped dramatically and started breathing in and out very quickly. "Now, what were we saying? … Oh yes! I like… totally love shopping!"

I'd forgotten, momentarily, about Alice. However, as soon as the pixie started jumping up and down behind me all of us looked at her, Esme and I turning around to do so.

"I will not be subjected to your torturous methods Alice. I am not a human Barbie Doll."

Alice stopped jumping and looked at me, dead serious.

"I _am_ stronger than you."

"And I'm taller than you." I snorted at her and turned to look at Emmett who'd started laughing.

"I'm starting to think she's also more annoying than you, Alice."

"I am _not_ annoying!" She retorted to Emmett.

"That's debatable."

"I LOVE DEBATES! I'm on the side of: I love shopping, but not with Alice."

"There's no such team!"

"Oh contraire! I'm sure Bella would be more than ecstatic to be on that team."

Alice glared at Emmett for that comment and I started laughing so hard I fell off the couch.

"IWANTAPENGUIN!" I screamed, finally standing up after five minutes laughing uncontrollably on the floor – with some touch and go moments when I couldn't breathe… and that minute when I started choking on my own saliva – and Emmett and Alice talking very eloquently about how only Jasper could handle shopping with Alice.

… They were still going at it.

"Okay, fine. Jasper and Rosalie."

"FINALLY! Someone mentions me!"

"FINALLY! Someone mentions me!" I copied Rosalie, but made my voice more shrill and preppy. "SELF-OBSESSED!" I screamed and pointed at her and crawled into the corner of the couch. "I want a penguin."

The four vampires looked at me and I started to fake sob, hiding my face in my arms at the same time because no tears were coming out. Thank you acting classes!

Esme was at my side in the blink of an eye and had an arm around my shoulders.

"It's alright, don't cry. We'll get you a penguin."

"A stuffed one?" I asked from inside my arms.

There was a pause and I let out one sob.

"Yes, yes. Of course. A stuffed penguin."

"And I get to name it?"

"Absolutely."

"… Okay."

2 and a half hours, three tantrums, getting kicked out of four stores, the icecream war and Rosalie having more make up on her clothes than her face for once, the tampon thing and a screaming match in the middle of the mall later:

I LOVE THE CULLENS! … Actually, I don't. But they seem more than hospitable when I'm screaming down the walls, crying and begging for my parents in a packed shopping mall. And I now had a penguin! A gorgeous penguin. Actually, they got me three, but I just felt attracted to this particular one.

"Have you named it yet?" Esme asked when we were in the living room. It was night time now, and everyone was sitting down and watching TV, or watching me. Renesmee had the other two penguins.

"HIS name… is… Edwardo!"

"Oh god." Edward smacked his hand into his face and shook it. I looked up at him and smirked.

"Be nice you bronze haired freak. DON'T SULLEY THE GOOD NAME OF EDWARDO!"

"You realize Edwardo is a Spanish name for Edward, don't you?" Edward insisted.

"But he's so much better looking than you." I countered.

"It still means Edward."

"And you're still ugly!"

"LILLIAN!" Carlisle shouted and everyone looked at him.

"Yes Carlisle?" I asked sweetly, cuddling Edwardo. He was so nice and warm and soft and fluffy.

"It is not kind to insult us. We are being very hospitable as is it, letting a human stay with us… it isn't the easiest thing in the world, but we're-"

"Well it would be easy if Rosalie didn't find a way to open me up every chance she got."

"Lillian…"

"Sorry."

"As I was saying, we're willing to have you stay here until you can find a way to get back home."

"A plane usually works…WAIT! What year is it?" I started singing Christmas carols over what I was really thinking then. Edward glared at me. What if this was like one of those horrible clichéd fan fictions? What if I'd time traveled! WHAT IF I NEVER GOT BACK HOME?!

I let out a sob and my tears flowed automatically. Esme was again at my side in less time than it took to sneeze but I moved away from her.

"It's 2008." Esme started smoothing my hair out. SHE COULDN'T DO THAT! IT WOULD LOSE IT'S FLAAAAIR!

"W-w-what month?"

"October."

So this was either a dream, a very realistic hallucination, time warping or I'd somehow managed to travel back in time.

I did remember going to sleep, and waking up felt real.

I don't know HOW I'd have managed to be hallucinating.

Time warping…. Was possible.

And time travel? I'd rather slit my leg open and let the vampies drink it than believe that.

So time had been warped… by my couch.

"A time warping couch makes no sense."

"OMG! SHUT THE FUCK UP EDWARD! Does Edwardo have to slap a bitch?" I looked at Bella and narrowed my eyes. Carlisle coughed once and both of us looked in another direction.

"Thank you."

"Edwardo is hungry." I looked up and Renesmee started laughing. I opened my mouth to retort, but Carlisle beat me to it.

"Lillian, I think you're hungry also. Go and eat something… preferably without sugar in it. I heard about your antics today."

HAHA! Oh wow, Carlisle was so cool! Why couldn't Edward be cool? He was such a gay loser.

"I AM NOT GAY!"

***evil laugh***

**Hmmm… I might give away big prizes to four more people… First come first served… But the rule remains: I won't ask for reviews. Reviewing DOESN'T make me type faster (my average WPM on a keyboard is about 127) and I won't withhold chapters (I like putting them up too much). But, reviews DO make me smile.**

**And for everyone, I have chapter names for 6 other chapters. I shall give away one… whenever I feel like it. Right now I feel like giving away this one: **_**"Breaking a leg seems painless"**_


	7. Edwardo! Come save me!

Disclaimer:**FAN fiction.**

Edward: What? No witty insults? No bashing the novel? No-

**And Edward's gay.**

**Chapter announcement: Kudos, again, go to Alice Vampire for reviewing, again. Also, JustAGirl, I'd very much like to send you a message, but you're obviously reviewing as a guest. So, unfortunately, I can't give JustAGirl a prize other than being mentioned in the CA (Chapter Announcement). Enjoy!**

Chapter 7: Edwardo! Come save me!

Instead of taking Edwardo with me, I decided to leave him in the living room. Even if I couldn't watch them, he could still stare. He was such a good penguin.

In the kitchen, I decided not to go into the pantry again, who knew if Esme would suddenly turn up and ask me something. Instead, I went to the sacred refrigerator. It was one of the cool ones with an ice machine. There was definitely going to be some ice fun later on.

"YOU BETTER HOPE THERE ISN'T!" Edward yelled from the other room.

You just hope I put it down your pants… maybe I can get Bella too…. Not like it'd affect you too much anyway… Hey Edweird?

"What?" Edward was standing at the door, his face was less than pleasant.

"You have a certificate in doctorship don't you?"

"Two. Why?"

"Do vampire male's genitals shrink when they're put in cold situations?"

Edward raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms.

"WHAT?! It's a serious question! And I didn't call you gay or _anything_ this time!"

"Why do you even want to know?"

"Human curiosity… guess you don't know what that's like anymore!" I yelled at him. I turned around quickly, opened the freezer, pulled out the first thing and slammed it onto the kitchen counter. "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO MEAN? I ASK A SIMPLE QUESTION! You should have let Victoria have Bella. She would have been better off!"

Edward's face darkened so quickly it actually made me scared for the first time.

"Don't, _ever_ mention that again." He started snarling and his fists clenched, showing whiter than his already white skin.

I folded my arms and glared at him, but I actually wasn't as brave as I was before I said the Victoria comment. "Don't be such an ass hole and we'll have a deal."

"I haven't DONE anything to _you_!"

"True as that may be, for now, I wasn't talking about me in particular."

"What _are_ you talking about then?"

The mental image I got when reading New Moon of Bella holding herself together in the forest, crying, sprung instantly to mind. Good to see that my imagination hadn't been warped. Edward flinched.

"I'll never do that to her again."

"What about everyone else?"

Edward's lips thinned and he left the room. I turned back to what I'd gotten out of the freezer… Onion rings, and followed the instructions on the back.

30-45 minutes later, after pre-heating the over to 180c and watching the light in the oven

I pulled the now cooked onion rings out of the oven quickly after putting on an oven mitt. It had taken a while to find the mitt because vampires A)Don't cook. And b) Wouldn't be affected by the heat anyway. The rings were very crisp now and I had to wait for them to cool down. This would be so much easier if I had a blow dryer… maybe I could go and get Rosalie's.

Heading out of the kitchen, I ran down one of the hallways to the stairs and ran up them two at a time. I really wanted onion rings! At the top, I turned right and then left into Emmett and Rosalie's room. It's not they should be worried about me finding condoms or anything… vampire venom, on the other hand…

Shuddering slightly at the thought, I walked quickly into the wardrobe and found what I was looking for after a quick search. The cord to it was LONG! Grabbing it all in one hand, and holding the actual dryer in the other, I walked out and got to the stairs before I stopped. Carlisle, Edward and Jacob were at the bottom of the stairs.

"Why have you got Rosalie's hair dryer?" Edward asked cautiously.

"I was going to cool down the onion rings."

"SHE HAS MY _**WHAT**_?!" Rosalie shouted from the other room.

"You realize that hair dryer's are actually blowing out _hot_ air, don't you?" Carlisle asked this question.

"… What? I thought it was supposed to dry stuff!"

"Yes. By producing hot air, it dries out the water."

"Well that sucks."

"We have something we want to tell you, and you don't have a decision."

"Um… okay."

"You're going to be staying with Jacob and the pack for a while."

My brain refused to function properly after that. I had to stay with wolf boy? The unstable pup? And the rest of them?! How… why!

"Because if you stay here, I might end up killing you." Edward stated clearly. Jacob started walking up the stairs and I held out the hair dryer in front of me like a gun.

"Besides the fact that it isn't plugged it, it would do nothing to me anyway." Jacob smiled. Stupid wolf.

"It might mess up your hair."

"Oh heaven help me." He laughed sarcastically and I stepped back as he leapt up the last few stairs.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" I screamed, dropped the hair dryer and started running.

Jacob grabbed the hair dryer before it hit the ground, and then cornered me before I could get into Alice's room to get to her wardrobe and hide.

"It'll be easier if you just come quietly."

"NEVER!"

Unfortunately, only weighing 70kgs and being 5'9", it was relatively easy for Jacob to simply pick me up and sling me over his shoulder.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"

Edward took Rosalie's hair dryer as Jacob reached the last stair and he started walking outside. As we got to the veranda, I grabbed hold of the door frame and slipped off Jacob's shoulder. "NOOOOOO!" I screamed again and started running as soon as my feet hit the ground. Jacob was bloody TALL!

I made it to the stairs before I was cornered by Rosalie, Jasper, Alice and Emmett.

Emmett grabbed me before I could turn around and held onto me tightly so I couldn't escape. Damn vampires and their damn strength!

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! EMMETT! WHAT ABOUT THE WARDROBE!"

Alice's face contorted slightly as she obviously remembered the scene Emmett and I had caused. Emmett's body started shaking slightly until Rosalie hit his shoulder. He must have been silently laughing.

As Emmett walked out the door, I suddenly remembered something and tried grabbing onto the door frame again. They learnt quickly and Rosalie was there, stopping me. Bitch.

"BUT I CAN'T LEAVE HIM!" I screamed into Emmett's ear.

"Leave who?" Emmett asked, moving his head away slightly.

"HIM! JASPER! YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL!"

Everyone stopped and looked at Jasper. I started crying.

"I'm married to Alice!"

"I CAN'T LEAVE HIM! I don't want to go with Jacob alone! He's too…. Him!"

"That's not a very good excuse, and Jasper is staying here." Carlisle said, smiling slightly. My heart fluttered. Carlisle had the smile that could melt chocolate.

Apparently, Carlisle also had the smile that made me stop breathing and pass out, because the next thing I remember was lying on a couch in a dark house. I rolled over and stretched at the same time, not knowing how long the couch was. Bad decision. I fell off.

Standing up agitatedly, I looked around the room and frowned. This wasn't the Cullen's house… this wasn't my house… and this certainly wasn't Charlie's house… this was…

"NOOOOOO!!" I yelled at the walls after my eyes had adjusted enough that I could see in the dark.

Jacob came running out, dressed only in his cut off shorts. "Wha? What's wrong? Are you alright?"

I turned around to face Jacob and started crying.

"I'm so alone!"

"Alone? I'm right here."

"But you're dumb! It's like talking to a brick wall!"

"I resent that." He said softly as he walked over and sat on the couch. "I'm not a bad kind of person you know."

"Only when someone's talking about Renesmee."

As the mention of the vampire freak's name, Jacob's eyes glazed over and he sighed dreamily.

"No point." I sniffled and stood up, walking outside while Jacob sat entranced on the couch.

Outside was almost no better than inside. As soon as I stepped onto the grass, three people were surrounding me.

"Did Jake say you could come out here?"

"No. He's too busy thinking about the half-breed freak."

"You don't like her either?" I'm assuming that was Sam then.

"No. Stupid freak. It's against all mythical law! I mean, not really, but she shimmers… that's half as bad as glittering!"

"I think I like you."

"Go back to Emily." I said, rather brashly. His eyes glazed for half a second before they went back to normal.

"Lillian? Lillian?! Oh fuck." Jacob called from inside. I stood there and rolled my eyes.

"Outside, loser."

Jacob came bounding outside seconds later and gripped my shoulders. I started screaming.

"HE'S GOING TO CHANGE AND EAT ME! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!" My screaming was enough that Sam pulled Jacob back and Jacob let go of me.

"Now I know why Bella didn't like you. You're fucking HOT!"

"Why thank you." Jacob smirked and I glared at him. Sam, Leah and Seth started laughing.

"I want Edwardo… NOW! Or I will guarantee this will be the worst time of your life." I lowered my head and breathed in deeply, puffing out my chest in the process.

"Ya can't hate Jacob," Seth commented and I turned to glaring at him.

"So says the one that hasn't imprinted yet. Have you _seen_ Jacob around his freak?"

"Nessie, is _not_ a freak."

"Not to you! _You_ love her. To the rest of us, it's utterly despicable! …Well, to me and Edward at least."

"You forgot Rosalie."

"Well, Rosalie's just a bitch. She doesn't like anything."

"You've got a very diverse personality," Sam chimed in. Seth was on the ground laughing and Leah was looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

"No. Not really. I'm a vampire supporter… wanna see my tattoo?" I turned slightly and lowered my pajama pants a little.

"NO! NO! It's alright! We're fine!"

Seth was looking at my hand intently. "I wouldn't mind seeing."

"SHUT UP SETH!" The other three werewolves yelled.

I pulled my pants up, sat down next to Seth and lifted my pj pant legs and revealed my simple Vampire tattoo. It was done over an old scar that I hated and I thought it looked pretty cool.

"You got one that says werewolf?" Seth asked, looking from the tattoo to my face.

I snorted. "As if. You all stink. When was the last time you showered?"

"Yesterday!"

"Today."

"20 minutes ago."

… We all looked at Sam.

"Three days ago."

"OMG! THAT IS SO GROSS!"

"Not as gross as vampire babies!" He was trying to take the conversation away from his hygiene.

"… Go shower. Now." Jacob, Leah and Seth all nodded. Sam huffed and walked into Jacob's house.

"I want to go back and annoy the Cullens," I mused loudly, opening a discussion. Who knew, I might get more ideas!

Jacob and Leah both sat down.

"This is why you're here. You were annoying all of the Cullen's except Carlisle and Esme. You weren't even there for a whole day! Personally, I say good work."

"Then why am I being camped out here? And how long am I staying for?"

Jacob looked uneasy at the questions and I frowned. This wasn't a good thing. I could feel it. "Spare me the looks."

"The Cullen's have… gone away… for a while."

My jaw dropped. I stopped. Literally stopped. I stopped breathing, I stopped blinking. I stopped thinking. I was trying to process Jacob's words. Gone. A while. But… I still didn't know how to get back home… and they had…

"EDWARDO!" I started freaking out. My breathing came back rapidly and I started hyperventilating. My blinking only came back in that I closed my eyes and started crying on top of hyperventilating and my thoughts sped up so quickly I just let myself fall onto my side.

"Why does everybody have to love Edward?"

"Edwardo. My penguin…. I need you."

"Jacob, I don't think she's talking about vampires anymore."

"Shut up, Seth!" Leah said, leaning forward. "Lillian? Are you alright?"

"I want Edwardo! I want my penguin!"

"Jacob?"

"Yeah, maybe I should."

Either they were lip reading, or thinking the same thing, I didn't know. I didn't care. The Cullens had Edwardo! Oh they would pay for this! They would pay dearly! That's when my thoughts slowed down enough for me to think semi-logically.

Facts:

I was in Twilight, post Breaking Dawn.

In this time, right now, I would have been seventeen.

THOSE BASTARDS HAD MY GODDAMNED PENGUIN!

And then a big question hit me.

Would I age?

If I didn't that would be the coolest, most awesome type of revenge ever. Let's see the Cullens try and evade me then!

"Revenge is imminent," I said darkly before a phone was suddenly thrust into my hand. I looked up at Jacob.

"It's Alice."

I smirked and raised the phone to my ear.

"We just couldn't handle you! You are so much weirder than Bella and even when she was upset or angry she never even THOUGHT of half the stuff you've done already. And that shopping trip! You've done something to nearly every single one of us. It was weighing heavily, and more than just myself had more than the fleeting thought of killing you or turning you into a vampire so we could annoy you. We know nothing about you, after all! How could we possibly annoy you as a human?"

"SHUT UP, ALICE! You complete, utter, _bastards_. Even Carlisle is included in that."

Seth started laughing then, and Sam too – he'd just come out of the house and his hair was wet and sticking to his face. That made me want to laugh until I remembered Alice on the phone.

"Lillian, we would have told you but-"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR EXCUSES!"

"But you have t-"

"NO! You took Edwardo away from me!"

I clicked the little red phone button and ended the call before throwing the phone at Jacob.

"That was all you wanted to say?"

"Give it ten seconds."

All of us waited. 9… 8… 7…

"Well this is boring." Seth commented and stretched out on the grass.

4… 3… 2…

_Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt._

Jacob's phone started going off. It was on silent. He pressed the answer call button and put the phone up to his ear for a few seconds, nodded and then handed me the phone. I put it to my ear but didn't say anything.

Lillian? It was Carlisle.

I still didn't say anything.

I can hear you breathing.

I still didn't say anything.

Look, we're sorry we had to leave. And we're sorry we didn't let you take Edwardo. How about you just stay at Jacob's house for a week. Then, I'll come back, we can talk, and then we might all come back and try and find a way to get you home again. How does that sound?

Again, nothing.

You've got to give me something to work with, Lillian. I can't hold a one-sided conversation with myself.

"You seem to be doing pretty well so far."

So, she speaks! Carlisle laughed from the other end of the phone. I hung up on him.

"Are you going to just keep hanging up on them?" Leah asked this time.

"Probably." Leah laughed.

_Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt,_

One buzz longer, you must be quite angry.

Nothing.

Carlisle sighed. Okay, what if I come back now, give you Edwardo, and then we take a week apart and try and find a way to get you home?

Nothing.

You're angry aren't you?

Still nothing.

I'll take that as a yes?

"NO! YOU CAN TAKE THAT AS A: MY LIFE HAS BEEN FUCKED UP BECAUSE SOMEONE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A FUNNY TWIST OF FATE! I TURNED UP IN YOUR HOUSE! I TRY… okay, well, I try to annoy most of you. BUT HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU SUDDENLY WOKE UP IN SOME RANDOM PERSONS' HOUSE AND FOUND OUT YOU'D GONE BACK IN TIME AND INTO A WORLD YOU HATE?!"

Carlisle didn't say anything for a while as I started breathing heavily. I'd taken all of three breaths through that.

You were just uncomfortable?

"Yes."

Why didn't you tell anyone?

"Me: I'm feeling very uncomfortable. Emmett: Imagine how uncomfortable our prey must be. And that's only one scenario."

Well, that is something Emmett might say. A loud laugh sounded from that end and I frowned. Seth started laughing.

"Yes."

It's times like this I wished I had a psychology degree.

I hung up.

"What'd he say this time?" Sam.

"He was insulting my mental stability. Only I'm allowed to do that!"

"And your verdict?" Jacob asked.

"Unstable," I said simply.

_Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt._

I pressed answer.

Could you please stop hanging up on me?

I hung up.

"Well that was short!" Sam exclaimed and started laughing. Leah was smirking. Jacob had a blank face.

"It's alright Jacob, I'm not hanging up on your secret lover… Edward. That must be an awkward get together. You kissed Bella, you're in love with Renesmee… and the whole Edward thing…" I breathed in through my teeth and grinned. Sam, Seth and Leah rolled back onto the ground in laughter.

"I AM NOT GAY WITH EDWARD!"

"Edward said something like that."

_Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt._

"Sorry. Forgot you wanted to talk to me."

It's Esme. Carlisle is punching a tree.

"SOMEONE VIDEO TAPE IT!"

Emmett already is.

"Oh goodie."

Are you really upset?

"Absolutely."

We're- I'm very sorry.

"Nice to see you aren't speaking for them."

Carlisle is sorry too.

I hung up. Maybe we'd end up going through the whole family. Wouldn't that be fun? Not many people can say that they've hung up on every single member of the Cullen family in… I looked at the time.

"Six am?"

"Yes. You're an early waker." The wolves had stopped laughing now and Jacob was looking into the forest. I followed his gaze. From there, I could make out the glinting eyes – Jacob had turned on his back stairs light.

"Ooh! Puppies!" I squeaked in a very little-girl voice.

Seth and Jacob started laughing. One of the wolves growled and I glared into the forest.

"Do you keep a muzzle on Paul? Or just let him free?"

"I've thought about a muzzle." Sam replied, smiling a little. The wolf growled again.

At that, the five of us burst out laughing.

**Well, this chapter ended up being WAY too long. I finally cut it off. Just so there's no confusion the ****underlined**** words don't have "quotation marks" because they're on the phone, but everyone can hear them.**

**Hope you enjoyed.**


	8. You KILLED Edwardo!

Disclaimer: **OHH! BUNNIES!**

Alice: You have to mention that you don't own the series.

**OOOHHHHH! PRETTY CLOTHES!**

Alice: WHAT?! WHERE????!!!!! *runs off*

**Haha. That got rid of her.**

Edward: Just do it.

**What are you? Nike's new walking advertisement?**

Esme: I'll give you cake.

**I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT! … Where's my cake?**

Carlisle: Enjoy the story.

**WHERE'S MY CAKE!**

Chapter Eight: You KILLED Edwardo?

V/O: It had been four days since Lillian had been taken to Jacob's house. And after that first day, her insulting only got worse. She constantly referenced New Moon to Jacob, and even used some of his obviously cheesy lines. To the other werewolves… well, they'd stayed away from her after the first day. Her and Seth got along quite well, but she loved pulling his hair. Leah and her formed a very rough friendship… until the whole cliff jumping remake.

"Edwardo… my love. We shall be together for ever. No-one can separate us!" I said, using an overly dramatic voice as I stood on the same cliff Bella had jumped from. Unlike her though, I never bothered looking for the small ledge. Also, the day was quite clear. The waves far below were smooth and calm and I'd asked Jacob this morning what the tide would be like because I wanted to "go for a swim". He really was dumb.

Standing on the edge of the cliff, I looked down at the waves again. It certainly was a long way. No, just don't look. Everything will be fine then. I closed my eyes and turned around. I walked back a little for a good running start. What if there was rocks down there? Who cared. I turned around, readied myself, and started running. At the last second, I leapt off the edge of the cliff and screamed in excitement. This really was cool. YAY FOR BELLA! She really knew her extreme sports.

It was exactly as she'd mentioned. The feeling of hanging in the air for a moment before gravity reached out and yanked you back down was intoxicating, carefree and filled me with adrenaline. And as far up as the cliff may seem, it really didn't take all that long to be pulled down into the still water. As I'd taken swimming lessons when I was younger, I knew the proper procedure for jumping into smooth water… especially from so high up. My toes pointed towards the water and broke the surface, sending ripples along the water. As the rest of my body followed through, I opened out my hands when I was completely submerged, effectively ending my descent. Bella really should have tried this on a clear day. It was so much more fun!

As soon as my descent into the water stopped, I kicked my legs twice, hard, and started to swim back up to the surface of the water. The sun shining off it helped me gauge how much space there was between me and the air. I'd never been very good at swimming in the ocean, I had to many fears involving water, so that fear mixed with the adrenaline and sent me faster to the surface.

As I broke through the layer of water, I gulped down a massive lung full of air and sighed happily. TIME TO DO THAT AGAIN!

Turning towards the shore, after finding it, I started swimming freestyle and made it back quickly. Again, fear, adrenaline, and swimming training. Besides, I was an Australian. Bondi beach and swimming were what he held to our name!

As soon as my feet could touch the ground, I stood up and walked out of the water, my clothes sticking to me due to the water and salt. I licked my arm.

"Ugh! How can horses find that nice?"

"Because they're not humans." A rough, angry voice responded. I looked up to find Sam standing there with Jacob.

"What were you _thinking_?" Jacob asked, walking forward. After the first … and third… and twelfth screaming match, Jacob didn't try and hold my shoulders anymore. I smirked,

"You let _Bella_ do it!" I said indignantly.

"I wasn't around when Bella did it!"

"Well you weren't around when I jumped either. That's fun!"

"You said you were going for a _swim_!"

"I did. And I did swim! Did you not just see me swimming?"

"Why did you jump?"

"Bored." I replied with a shrug.

"You didn't know what the water was like!"

I motioned to the sun, it was a rare day and the sun had been out for the whole of it. "No storms Jacob! The water was fine. You told me _that_. By the way, can we do it again?"

"LILLIAN!" A new voice shouted. Actually, it was three voices. Jacob and Sam looked agitated and very quickly, before I could register, I had two towels wrapped around me and someone was hugging me.

"Ewwww! Hug germs!" I complained. Someone giggled. Hang on. Giggling… Leah never giggled… and the boys knew I'd find a way to call them gay if _they_ did. The vampires were back! That meant one thing…

"EDWARDO!" I screamed happily, trying to wriggle out of the towels… it was almost impossible. Esme had wrapped them so tightly I couldn't even move. A penguin was suddenly in my face and Emmett was laughing.

"Look Jacob! It's …" I looked at Edwardo and stopped wriggling. That wasn't Edwardo. Emmett stopped laughing.

"Aren't you going to jump up and down, scream and make some snide comment about Edward being gay?" He asked, smiling.

"Besides the fact I think Esme's cut off my circulation and I can't move, _that's_ not Edwardo." And Edward's gay.

"I AM NOT GAY!" Edward yelled from his car. Emmett started laughing.

"What do you mean? This… this is Edwardo." Emmett said, confused as Esme loosened the towels slightly.

"No. It _was_ Edwardo." I looked up at him accusingly. "You KILLED Edwardo! Look at him! He's all pale! AND HIS EYES! You change him and then you don't even feed him!" I started pretending to cry. It would have been more effective if I could curl up, but Esme's 'loosening' was only so much that I could breath properly again.

"We didn't kill him. He's a _stuffed_ toy."

I gasped. How dare they insult Edwardo so! Fortunately, Esme had loosened the towels so that I could also have use of my arms. I reached out and grabbed Edwardo, holding onto him tightly, but so that his face looked at them.

"You shall not be allowed to touch Edwardo again, Emmett. He is very upset at your hurtful words."

**Yes this is a short chapter. I couldn't add all of the information into this one because… I couldn't! So tough luck,. You'll have to wait until I bring out the next chapter.**

**YAY!**

**l l l**

**[ ]**

**That's a cake!**


	9. Oh Robert Pattinson

**Me and my friend were just bumming around and stupid things happened. My friend (Kerri) was playing with the guitar and I started singing… so I wrote it down. Lol.**

**I own Robert Pattinson.**

Robert: No you don't.

**You like strong crazy girls?**

Robert: … Yes.

**Fine then, you can own me.**

Robert: O.o

**I've mastered that look Mr. Don't even TRY and use it on me.**

We all know,

That you love those hair extensions

Almost as much

As your penis implant

When the filming stopped

You had a party with Nick Jonas

And it rocked.

Oh, You may regret it

But now he's got a baby

And you're paying all the child support

OH ROBERT!

Don't stop being you

Because one day very, very soon

Kristen or Nikki will have one too.

Maybe you can go back

And talk to your Spanish fan

I'm sure she's forgotten

Your horrible dinner plan.

This is just a message,

From kerri and HorribleStan

Oh, Robert, don't stop

no don't stop

doing what you planned.

We all know

That you died

In Harry Potter

But now your ugly

And your hair is a mess

But that's okay

We know

You like wearing a dress.

And now your makeup

Is whiter than a cloud

And I hope your

Parents are really, really proud.

Going from two daughters,

To suddenly having three,

Must have been quite stressful

But now you're finally free.

We know you discovered hair gel,

And thought it pretty cool

And now you're a famous film star

Your making young girls drool.

I tried to walk to school

And found Twilight fans ahead,

Now when I leave my house,

I paddle there instead.

**That's where we finished. Isn't it HILARIOUS!**


	10. Breaking a leg seems painless

Disclaimer: **Roses are dying, violets are dead-**

Jacob: I'm sure the Cullen's have told you just to say you don't own it.

**If you don't shut up, I'll shoot you in the head!**

Edward: FINALLY! She didn't mention anything about…. I AM NOT GAY!

**Kudos goes to MFer, Kerrisha, and Alice Vampire for reviewing. To MFer, your prize is that I won't call Bill gay for four days! … starting Thursday :D. Kerri: … like wise, but replace Bill with Twilight.**

Chapter 9: Breaking a leg seems painless

"We didn't kill Edwardo!" Emmett reinforced. I stood there, glaring at him. If Edward wasn't allowed to sully Edwardo's name, then neither was Emmett.

"Well, I'm sure he'll turn back. He's a magic penguin!"

The Cullens' and the wolves just looked at me. I looked at Edwardo and smiled. "It's okay. Everything will be fine. You're back with me now! They can't hurt you."

Jacob and Sam looked at each other and sighed while the four Cullens on the beach looked at me quizzically.

"Jacob!" Esme shouted. It didn't sound angry though.

"What?" He asked indignantly, looking at Esme and holding out his palms in a surrender fashion.

"What did you _do_ to her?"

"Me? What? I… I didn't do _anything!_ I barely even talked to her!"

"He was too afraid I'd call him gay again."

From down on the beach, I looked up at Edward and smirked, but didn't think the thought. He looked… sort of angry, sort of happy. Maybe I should cut back on the gay comments, it was actually quite mean… especially since he _did_ end up having sex with Bella.

"SHUT UP!" Came his yell from the silver Volvo. I laughed. Annoying Edward, or at least getting underneath his skin, was so easy!

"Hey Carlisle!" I suddenly remembered my thoughts from when I first found out I was to stay here for a while.

"Yes Lillian?" Awww, he was so nice… and formal.

"The first… morning, I was here at Jacob's, I had a really cool thought."

Carlisle tilted his head and smiled softly. My heart fluttered again and I looked away. No. Don't look at him. He'll RUIN you're thoughts. How the hell was Bella ever dazzled by _Edward_? His hair was a freak color… maybe he dyed it! … Maybe _Rosalie_ dyed it!

"What was it?" Emmett asked, practically bouncing on the spot.

"Since this isn't my world, and I don't know how to get home… maybe I don't age!"

Everyone just stopped then, but very slowly, everyone started to do something again. Jacob and Sam looked at each other worriedly. Alice sank to the ground, dry sobbing as she remembered the shopping trip. Esme and Carlisle looked at each other. Edward screamed NOOOOOOOOO! And Emmett bounced even more.

"THAT IS SO COOL! WE CAN HAVE A HUMAN PET!" Emmett exclaimed.

Esme and Carlisle disappeared and reappeared a few meters away, out of my hearing. Alice continued sobbing. Edward practically shoved Bella in the Volvo and sped off.

"Do you want to be my pet?" Emmett was in my face.

"Umm… I think Alice might want to play Barbie with me…"

Alice looked up, revenge in her eyes… pure, evil, adulterated revenge. I could just imagine the horrible images she was coming up with. I stepped away from her.

"This… is going… to be… fun." She grinned slowly.

"Emmett, I'll be your pet!"

"Emmett, you touch her and I'll make your life hell for the next forty years."

"Sorry Lillian. You're on your own."

"NOOOO!" I screamed, in a similar, but weakened, form of how Edward had screamed. I turned around and starting running back for the water but Alice caught up to me quickly. Damn vampire speed. She stuck a leg out, intending to trip me. Well, it certainly worked. The only thing no-one had counted on, was the very loud crack that resulted as I hit the ground, and my echoing scream of pain.

In all my imaginings, when I was a child, of me breaking my leg – yes, I'd thought about it – I'd always just laughed it off. Breaking a leg seemed painless, but, in actuality, it was quite painful. Carlisle was at my side instantly, as well as Esme, Emmett and the two wolves.

"Lillian, are you alright?" Carlisle was looking down at me. I reached up and grabbed his shirt.

"Do I _smell_ okay?" I hissed through my teeth and pulled myself up to look at my leg. A small amount of bone was sticking out of my pj pants – yes, I'd jumped off a cliff, and swum in the ocean wearing pajamas – and I pushed Carlisle's shirt towards it. "You're the doctor!"

Alice and Emmett were both holding their breathe. A large pool of red had seeped through the material and I screamed again, not in pain this time. The cows were turning red! Images of vampire cows running after scared townsfolk suddenly jumped to mind and I started laughing.

"Is she hysterical, Carlisle?" Esme asked, worried and switching positions with the blonde haired doctor/vampire.

"I can only assume so. Though, she's normally like this so it's hard to tell," He told his wife. I faintly felt his cold hands touch either side of the break and tensed my body, which included the muscles right up to the break. I hissed in my next breath.

When Carlisle felt the muscles in my body relax… felt or heard? Maybe he could even smell them relaxing, he pulled one side, and pushed the other side of the break. The bone sticking out of my pants disappeared as I watched and it took a few seconds for the pain to register as he'd used more pressure than normal – probably because I was watching and he didn't want me to tense again. As soon as the pain registered in my mind and my body reacted, it didn't really seem worthwhile screaming, but I did anyway. What was the point in having a break if you couldn't scream?

"Alice, go get my bag, now."

I didn't hear Alice respond, and I didn't see her return.

"Who knew a vampire could trip someone so hard?" I mused aloud while Carlisle put a brace on my leg, and then wrapped it tightly.

"We're going to have to stitch and cast it."

"I like muffins."

"Lillian, are you alright?"

"No, proquepines don't live in Antarctica!"

"I'll take that as a no. Esme?"

I heard a car door opening and didn't realize that Carlisle had picked me up.

"I can feel Alaska."

The car door shut and I was still cold. Shouldn't car seats be at least somewhat warm? I looked up at the roof, only I didn't see the roof. My head was on Alice's lap. I started giggling. "I didn't know pixies grew that high."

Alice laughed that pixie comment off.

"Carlisle?"

"Yes?" Carlisle looked around at my and Esme held onto the wheel.

"I don't feel so good. Is that normal?"

"Yes. Can you hold it back? We're almost at the house."

"What are the wolves doing?"

Carlisle turned back and grabbed hold of the steering wheel again, speeding up slightly.

"The wolves are leaving you in our care again."

I tried to grin evilly, but that wasn't happening on my stomach's terms. It churned inside me and I gripped at it.

"MY STOMACH IS TRYING TO EAT ME ALIVE! I HAVE A BELLA BABY!"

Alice couldn't stop herself laughing this time. Her jolting laughter, while quite musical, didn't agree with my stomach either. I tried to roll over and throw up on the floor, I'm sure Alice wouldn't like whatever I'd last eaten on her clothes, but Alice held me securely as the car stopped in a dimly lit place and the door opened. Carlisle reached in, put one arm under my knees, the other under my shoulders and lifted me out. Esme had a bucket ready and as soon as my head cleared the door frame I threw up into, reaching out to clutch it in my hands. Esme relented but kept close to my head.

Inside the house, I didn't see much of it because Carlisle ran through so quickly. That brought about another torrent of acidic bile which joined its buddy in the bucket. Before I knew it, he was placing me on a… couch? It was soft, so I guessed it was. He was back in a second carrying some stuff.

"It's hurts Carlisle. I never knew it would hurt this much. Make it stop hurting!" I cried. This would probably be the only time any of them saw me crying. Maybe that was why Rosalie was grinning at me from across the room.

"Hold still Lillian." Carlisle said, holding onto my bicep. I wondered why, until I felt the sting of a needle go into my vein and then the second and third stings telling me he'd pushed the liquid in and taken the needle back out.

"What was that?"

"A small amount of morphine. It'll take away the pain while I clean and stitch your leg."

"Mmm." It felt like the morphine was going to my head instead of my leg. To not pay attention to any of it, I watched as Carlisle cleaned the needle and pulled out everything else he needed and laid it out on a small sterile mat. Before he did anything though, he unwrapped the bandage he'd put on and removed the brace. For about five seconds he looked at the hole and gently felt my leg.

"The bone is back in place." He said loudly. Rosalie looked slightly disappointed.

The next thing I felt was something stinging my leg. It wasn't bad… kind of like Carlisle had put a needle in it. My eyes started to droop under the morphine and my head rolled to the side. I could see Rosalie… sort of, and Emmett next to her. Alice was standing next to them and bouncing around agitatedly.

A slight tugging feeling started in my leg and I tried to sit up and see what Carlisle was doing. He reached out one hand and pushed me back down. The slight jostle as my head hit the couch echoed down to my leg and the pain came back in a wave. I groaned deeply and felt one final tug before Carlisle started to dab another antiseptic cloth over the stitches. My eyes stayed on the supplies at his knees… Carlisle was on his knees?

He grabbed a white pad of some sort, a brace and a bandage. I felt, distinctly, the bandage being wrapped around my leg. He disappeared for a moment and Edward, who'd been standing by the door, came in and god rid of the bloodied stuff he'd been using. Edward had doctor degrees, why wasn't he helping?

"Nmm-mmm-mmm-mm." I muttered, trying to form some conscious words. Esme and Carlisle into the room one after the other. Carlisle had a bucket of water, a towel and …. Cast sheets? Probably. Esme knelt down at my head and Carlisle stayed standing this time, at my feet.

"Edward, hold her leg up."

Edward stood at the end of the couch and I rolled my head back to look at Carlisle working. While Edward held my leg up, Carlisle dipped the white plaster cast sheets into the water and then swiftly applied them to my leg. He didn't need to worry about the wound, that's what the bandage had been for. I don't know how long it took for him to finish, I fell asleep shortly after he'd applied the third sheet.

**YES! Wasn't that an exciting chapter? I know, I know, not much insulting going on, but this chapter had to be done for the other ones. Next chapter title: **_**How could I forget**_

**Anyway, hope you guys reading enjoyed this chapter.**

**-As a note, I won't be updating for about a week as I'm going outstate for a few days and then won't have a chance to get online until next Friday (for the Australians), for the Americans, this means next Thursday. To every other country, I shrug because I don't know what your days are in relation to mine. - As this was posted late, it doesn't apply anymore... and MFer and Kerri, I didn't call either of them gay... I was too busy insulting my mother because she was trying to hug me... that and I was getting drunk.**

**Anyone reading under the age of 18: Don't binge drink.**

**To anyone in that category who has a drivers license (L's or P's): Do not drink and drive. It is highly irresponsible and you could die. And then how are you going to know the end to this story? ... if I ever decide to actually make one.**

**DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE! Call a taxi or arrange for someone to be the sober one. It is possible to have fun without drinking.**

**DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE!**

**Take care guys, happy reading.**

As all writers do, I screw up a few times when writing chapters. Be it I write the wrong words, I write something totally irrelevant or I use different tenses. This are two lines I mucked up but they sounded so funny I couldn't let them go unseen by the masses. Enjoy them :D

I reached up and grabbed his face. (After Lillian breaks her leg and Carlisle asks if she's alright)

"Alice, go get my back, quickly." (Not too long after ^ one when he tells Alice to go and get his _bag_)


	11. How could I forget?

Disclaimer: **Nope.**

Stephanie: I can sue you on copyright infringements.

**No wonder I hate Mormons. Nope = Nope, don't own it. Note to self: Expand on everything for the **_**mormom.**_

**CA: I went a little dialogue happy, description blank in this chapter. Descriptions will return next chapter. Also, sorry for it taking so long to come out. I've been in a bit of a slump.**

**- OMG! I am so sorry for everything! I somehow screwed up and added the next chapter twice, this goes before "Please, tell me this is a joke". Again, to everyone reading, I am dreadfull sorry. This is my biggest mistake ever!**

Chapter 10 - How could I forget?

Hell started even before I woke. But I only found out about that through second hand recount from Alice as she drove. Who knew for such a nice little car the thing touched on every pothole in the road, even _with_ a vampire driving. I pulled that down to that Alice was trying to wake me up without touching me.

"So, ready to have fun?" She asked, grinning wickedly.

I lifted my eyelids slightly and looked at her. "Mmm." It was meant to be a 'no', but being sleepy and talking never really went well together. Alice took it as a 'yes' and actually squealed.

"Well, that's going to ruin some of my fun, but at least you can't run away now." She kept smirking as she looked down at the cast. It was all dry now, and itchy where it touched my skin. I reached down to scratch it but Alice grabbed my hand.

"No. Carlisle said you weren't allowed to scratch."

"It's itchy."

"You're being very blunt and to the point."

"I'm tired."

"Point proven." She murmured to herself and I rested my head against the window glass, trying to get back to sleep. I closed my eyes.

"Did Carlisle also tell you to obey the speed limit too?"

I smirked slightly as the car sped up. Apparently not. And apparently, it didn't matter, Alice only drove for a few more minutes and we were there, parked. Please, if ever I believed in a god, help me.

Alice opened the door.

They hate me. I just know it.

"Come on. Out you get." She leant in and unclicked the buckle, which happened to be the only thing holding me up. Alice stopped me from doing any damage to myself though as I fell out sideways. She pushed me back into a sitting position and I brushed the hair out of my eyes as she grabbed the crutches from the back seat, I groaned.

"Is it hurting?"

"No."

"Damn."

"Wow, pixie, don't sound _too_ happy."

"I think I like you better on sugar."

My eyes lit up. Regardless of if I was asleep, dying, hell, even dead! Sugar was my calling.

"Sugar? CAKE!"

Alice recoiled at her words, and mine. "Maybe." There was no other way out of it for her, I smirked.

"So what are we doing today?" I swung my legs out of the car and allowed Alice to help me without finding some way to insult her. Besides, she was helping… maybe if I said I needed to go to the… no, that wouldn't work. Damn you Bella. Damn you Alice. Damn you god.

Alice started smiling. Damn it! Note to self: Never think of what to do around Alice. Note to self: Remember last note to self.

"What are you thinking now?"

"About how the world was started."

"What a lie."

"Okay, okay. I was thinking about Jasper naked."

Alice started growling deeply.

"JOKING!" I yelled, laughing at the same time.

Alice frowned and straightened up… had she just been about to attack me? Another note to self: Never mention anything about Jasper being naked… around Alice.

"Didn't take you long to get back to yourself."

"Sugar was mentioned. What do you expect?"

"You to fall over and start twitching in agony would work."

I giggled profusely. "Jane isn't here."

Alice gave me a strange look then and I started crutching to the sliding doors. Alice kept pace alongside.

"Couldn't Carlisle have gotten me a wheelchair or something?" I complained as both of us walked, or hobbled, into the cold air-conditioned mall.

"For someone else, yes. For you, he figured these were safer."

"I would be safe in a wheelchair!"

"Safer for the public." She elaborated.

I nodded slowly. I could see where they were coming from.

"So, what first?"

Alice wouldn't look at me at first. "Remember at the beach?"

"WHERE'S EDWARDO!" Several people around us stopped and looked at us, Alice frowned at me.

"The _penguin_ is at home." I smirked at her stressed word. "But after that."

I looked at her blankly.

"You tripped me."

She rolled her eyes. "Right before that."

…

"NO! YOU CAN'T! HOW DID CARLISLE AGREE TO THIS?!"

I started moving backwards. Damn crutches, if only I was in a wheelchair. Alice smirked and kept right in front of my face.

"We've taken every precaution to keep the public safe. You, however, are not."

"This isn't funny!"

"Not to you."

I growled at her but she just smiled. Evil pixie.

"I will find a way midget, I will find a way." I glared at her but she just scooped me up, crutches and all, and walked into a nearby shop. Goddamn stupid vampire strength!

It took me a few moments to figure out just what kind of shop this was, and as soon as I did…

"NO! NONONONONONONO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!" I threw a crutch at her, which she caught, and tried hopping out after dropping the other one.

"I like you with a broken leg." She giggled happily before her tone turned serious and she stood in front of me. I grabbed onto her shirt to keep myself from falling. "But now it's time for Lillian torture. And judging by the look of your clothes, I chose the right kind."

"Edward told you, didn't he!"

"No. I guessed."

I snarled at her and she put an arm around my waist, leading me back further into the shop of horror. I grabbed onto a rack nearby. "I WILL MAKE LIFE HELL FOR YOU!"

She just giggled and pried my fingers off the bar. "Not with a broken leg you won't."

… Only one way to do this. "I saw Jasper naked."

"Not going to work."

Fuck.

The shop person came up to us just as I was trying to climb over Alice's back.

"Can I help you?"

"I'm going to need a chair and some duct tape."

The shop person laughed uneasily. "There are chairs near the changing room, but we can't help with the tape."

"That's alright. Thank you."

Alice stepped around the assistant and walked over to the changing rooms. I was trying to reach out to the girl, as happy as she was. 'Help me!' I mouthed before Alice put me on the chair. If only it had wheels. She looked at me strictly. "Don't move." Alice looked at the crutches, then at me… she walked away with the crutches.

I looked away, trying to find some possible to way to escape this horrible breed of torture. I could fake sickness… or say my leg was hurting. I could always start crying as well…or scream that I didn't know her. I could also strip down and refuse to put my clothes back on… no, none of them would work. How long does it take for a leg to heal? I looked down at it and scowled. "This is all your fault."

"Actually, it's all _your_ fault." Alice was back. "Maybe if you'd been nicer… and hadn't trashed my wardrobe, I wouldn't have to do this to you."

"I am not playing along."

"You don't have a choice."

"I'm self-conscious."  
"Get over it."

"I CAN'T!"

"Too bad. I'm not leaving you, of all people, in a change room by yourself." She smiled. I frowned.

I closed my eyes and felt Alice lift me by my waist. "I CAN WALK!"

"No you can't." She giggled. I was going to murder Carlisle… or whoever agreed to this. Alice put all of the clothes down on the small seat and stood at the door. No escape.

"Try them on. They're all your size." I stayed staring at her. She didn't move. I blinked.

"We don't have all day."

"I know, the mall shuts at five."

"If you don't, I will."

"Be my guest, I don't like them anyway."

Alice stepped closer to me. Her eyes lit up with evil… that same brand of evil she'd had swimming in them on the beach. This was not going to be good.

"You can either keep your clothes, or you'll walk out of this mall wearing the frilliest, girliest dress I can find." Her voice was slow, promising, and she was smiling at the same time. Pure. Evil.

I pulled my shirt off quickly.

She raised an eyebrow.

"I hate you."

"Good." She took a step back.

"And the mall still closes at five. I can walk out of here shirtless, I don't mind."

Alice stepped forward again, grabbed one of the dresses she'd picked out and stepped back, blocking the door for the three seconds it took her to sort out the material. Then she advanced again.

I screamed.

She put a hand over my mouth and leant in closely. "You just chose your fate."

I screamed a muffled NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. She didn't seem to care.

"I thought you would have made this slightly more interesting… but this is still fun."

Alice tugged the dress down over my head and I glared at her.

"Teal isn't really your color is it?"

I still glared at her.

"Nope. Take it off."

It took less than a second. Alice had already sorted out the teal colored dresses and put them outside, there was still a mountain left.

Before I had time to think, another dress was over my head.

The glaring and dress trying on only lasted about five minutes. But it was five minutes of pure hell. We must have gone through over 200 dresses, even _with_ her getting rid of some at random intervals. Apparently 'my' colors consisted of pinks, blues, greens, yellows and purples. Everything else had been deemed the "wrong season" or "wouldn't match" or "why must you be so pale, it's like dressing Rosalie". The last of which I found very offensive and threw a dress at Alice for. Where were the crow bars when you _really_ needed them? After the torturous five minutes, Alice picked up the dresses she'd deemed appropriate for me and paid for them, leaving me to hobble after her, back in my clothes. That, however, wasn't the end of my torture. Luckily, it was only another three hours until she said we were going home. It was twelve. And now, I was wearing a bright yellow, ruffled, puffed arm ankle length dress that I'd tripped on fourteen times already. Alice had held true to her promise.

"I refuse to leave like this."

"You're going back in that." She said with a smile. Always smiling today. She must be holding about a hundred bags right now.

"Why? Why me?"

"Rhetorical?"

"Absolutely." I said dully and hobbled out to Alice's nice yellow Porsche. Oh she'd pay… and I had the perfect plan. DONUTS!

**Yes yes, I know. It got boring. But Alice had to have some torture time! She's only the second softest vampire in the Cullen troupe. Esme being the first. And besides, I had fun with the dialogue.**

**And as to my reference about hating Mormons, I really only hate one church of Mormons… and Stephanie Meyer, the rest of them (you, f you're a mormon and reading this (though I don't know why would be since I swear so often and don't chastise underage drinking)) seem to just leave me alone in peace to do what I will with my life. Thanks.**

**Happy reading.**


	12. Please, tell me this is a joke

Disclaimer: **I own a baseball bat.**

Bella: Is that all?

**And the books.**

Jasper: *regret vibes*

***starts crying* I also bought my brother some stuff, and he got me a Twilight poster, and my hair is now almost the same color as Jaspers!**

Jasper: … I'm flattered.

**You ever do that to me again….**

Chapter 11: Please, tell me this is a joke

Alice had us back home in less than half an hour. I'd tried ripping the dress off, telling her I was allergic to the material, hell, I'd even tried burning it! She refused to let me walk into the house with some dignity. Now I'd never live this horrible torture down… time to step up my Cullen torture.

"You asked for this Alice."

Alice shot a sideways look at me as she drove into the garage.

"I will make sure they all give you evil looks."

"Stop talking nonsense."

"I will make you RUE the day you stuck this disgusting colored piece of filth on me."

"It makes you look nice… like a girl."

I turned and glared at her, but she'd already gotten out.

"GUESS WHO'S WEARING A-"

"IF YOU FINISH THAT SENTENCE…"

"DRESS!"

I seethed in the passengers seat. Every single one of the Cullens entered the garage, including Jacob. I locked the doors.

"Get out Lillian."

"Never."

"I do have the… Lillian, get out of the car."

I smirked. She'd stopped the first sentence because she didn't have what she was about to say she had. My smirk turned into a grin. "Told you."

"I swear to Carlisle, if you don't get out _right now_!"

"You'll what? Wait until I unlock a door?"

"Rosalie?"

Rose was at the door in seconds, several little pieces of metal in her hand.

"NOOO! YOU STUPID LOCK PICKING BLONDE BITCH!"

"Look who's talking."

"O.M.G! I've seen that movie!"

The lock on the door started to move and I grabbed it, holding it in the locked position. It wasn't working so well. Rose twisted her lock pick and the latch clicked over. Have I mentioned I hate vampire strength? Before they could open the door, I locked it again.

"What would you do if I ripped the upholstery?"

"DON'T YOU DARE!"

Alice's face was in the glass, glaring at me. I giggled.

"Jasper."

"NO! NOT HIM!" I was worried now.

Jasper stood next to Alice in the next whatever of a second and looked into his wife's eyes. The bad thing about emotion manipulators, they like happy feelings. Jasper let go of Alice and stepped next to the car, his hands gripped the top of the door and he stared into the glass. I wonder what he'd look like naked… all toned and smooth and-

"LILLIAN!"

I snickered as Edward yelled.

Didn't realize you were enjoying it _that_ much Eddie.

Jasper tapped on the glass and I looked back at him. Could they honestly see through the tinting? Wow. That was AMAZING! No. That wasn't amazing. That me feel… like… overwhelmed. Why were Jasper's eyes so gold? No. I wanted to hug him… I wanted to hug Alice. Maybe I should give her back her keys. I'd have to unlock the door first.

As soon as the little latch was into the unlocked position, Alice almost yanked open the door and snatched the keys off me.

"I hate you, Jasper."

He leant in close to me and smiled lightly.  
"No you don't."

My heart faltered for a few seconds and he laughed. "I think Alice has nice taste. It looks nice on you."

"It does n- It does doesn't it?"

Damn it you stupid feely vampire! Well, two could play at that game. My fingers, lightly tracing the contours of his arm muscles, his face, his chest. Jasper scrunched up his face and Edward was making vomit noises in the background.

"Don't test me. I know how to equally upset your powers just as much as I know how to do it with Edward's… and Alice's.

"You truly are an evil little human."

"I AM NOT LITTLE! But thanks."

Jasper held out his hand. I looked at it.

"Care to get out of the car yet?"

"Not in this mockery."

"Actually, I believe it's called a dress."

Everyone that wasn't already over at the door burst into laughter. Rosalie had been laughing for the last few minutes.

"I hate you."

"Again, no you don't."

"If I get out, can I change?"

"HELL NO!" Emmett yelled, still howling with laughter.

"Jasper, get out of the way."

"Why?"

"I am going to slam the door shut and not get out."

I reached for the door at the same time as Jasper. He held the top while I tried pulling it shut. It wouldn't budge. Quickly, before either he or Alice could react, I leant over the middle section and grabbed the cigarette lighter and pushed it in. Alice was at the car in a second and grabbed me, then pulled me out. I started tearing at the fabric.

"YOU SHALL NOT GET AWAY WITH THIS HEINOUS ACT!"

"As far as I'm concerned, I already have."

"You wait pixie… you wait."

"I. am noT! A PIXIE!"

"So you say. Where's your magic wand? The pixie elders will be much disappointed in you."

"You will die before you can ever leave here."

"Awesome. I get to taunt you for the rest of eternity too."

"Ahh… there's something I need to tell you Lillian."

Alice and I stopped struggling over the material and looked at Carlisle. Everyone else stopped laughing and looked at him also.

"You found a way to get me home?!" I squealed, enthusiastic.

"Ahhh…. No. The opposite actually. I've gone through every possibility I could think of, and there's just… no way for you to get back home."

Suddenly, the dress didn't seem to matter to me. Neither did Alice, nor revenge, nor anything else for that matter. I was stuck here. I couldn't get back home. I wouldn't see my dad, or my brothers, or my sister, or my friends ever again. I sniffled as the first signs of crying started to show.

"No… no way home?" My voice sounded strained, even to me.

"I'm sorry."

That's when the tears started. I leant into Alice's shoulder and cried. I didn't even realize when she put me on the couch and left, I switched her for the cushions, and when they were wet, turned into the sofa.

It was about three hours before I stopped crying and someone came into the room.

"I told you, I can hear it." Carlisle. I stayed face down on the sofa.

"I can hear it now, too." Jasper.

"So it's in here then."

"What are you talking…. I hear it too." Esme.

"That tiny sound like bones crunching? I could hear that from my room." Edward.

"Daddy, I don't like the sound. It's annoying."

"I know Nessie."

"Wait… It's coming from…" I felt eyes boring into me. I didn't move.

"Lillian?"

No answer.

"Are you eating anything?"

I shook my head.

"Have you eaten anything?"

I shook my head.

"Are you crunching something?"

Another shake.

Carlisle sat down on the couch next to me.

"It's… her leg."

I tried to curl my legs up and stay facing down into the couch, but it didn't work out like that at all.  
"Far out! She looks a bit worse for wear."

"Leave me alone."

"Your leg is healing."

"Duh!"

"Really quickly… like Jacob's would, but slightly quicker."

"What about me?"

"Lillian, are you a shape shifter?"

"I'm out! If she's a shape shifter I'm going to hang myself."

"JACOB!"

"Oh, I'm sorry Nessie. I'm sorry. I won't say that again. I didn't mean it."

"Get a room… preferably Edwards."

"Looks like she's getting back into her own personality."

"Shut up _HO_-salie."

"Lillian!"

"She started it!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"DID TOO!"

"DID NOT!"

"DID-"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!"

There was silence for a moment.

"Did too." I murmured.

"Lillian."

"I want to go home."

"I'm sorry. I really did think about everything. From alternate realities to maybe this was all just a dream for you. There's no way back."

My mind skipped automatically to a scene from a movie I'd seen when I was young.

"ALICE!"

The shortest vampire was in the room in moments.

"Yes?" She was sceptical.

"Do you have any red glittery low heeled shoes?"

"I have red ones."

… "That's alright. Just go out into the sun and rub them against your skin first."

Emmett started laughing as he came into the living room, Jasper joined him. In fact, everyone started laughing except Alice.

"Red shoes will work."

She was gone for about three seconds before she came back in with the shoes and handed them to me.

"Don't destroy them."

"Put them on my feet."

She raised an eyebrow at me but obeyed.

I went to stand up, and Carlisle helped me stay upright. With a broken leg, wearing high heels was bloody hard. So was clicking my feet. I closed my eyes.

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home."

Silence.

I didn't feel any whirling around, or any strong winds. No tornadoes.

"What are you doing?"

"GOD DAMNIT DOROTHY! I HATE YOU!"

"What's are you talking about?"

"Like you don't know… _TOTO_!" I yelled at Jacob and sat down again, crossing my arms.

"Follow the yellow brick road my ass. I'll shove those bricks through my fucking skull you dumb bitch."

"Carlisle?"

"I think she's referencing… The Wizard of Oz."

"Stupid tornadoes."

"She seems to know a lot about it."

"How long until my leg heals Carlisle?"

"It sounds like it's almost done. A day or two at most."

"Excellent."

Everyone but Rosalie walked out of the room, probably because none of them wanted to know what it was that I was thinking. Edward most certainly would have. Jasper would have felt what I was felling when I thought it, and they would have told everyone else. Stupid vampires. The blonde headed, lock picking, car-a-holic sat down next to me.

"With that dress, you know, you should put on some make up."

I turned to stare at the usually uptight vampire. Her saying that could, would, and did, start an argument.

**YAY! Another chapter over. I'm going to do the next one before I load them all… maybe even the one after that too. Hope you guys liked them.**

**Oh, and there's an interesting little chapter coming up that will make Lillian VERY happy. If you can guess what it is…. You'll get a freeeeee cyber cookie!**

**In other news, I got my hair dyed and went from Alice hair, to Jasper hair. Although, it just looks like Alice dyed her hair Jasper's color and grew her own out a little… :D**

**OH! And I haven't said this for a while, and there might be new people reading, so here goes:**

**I do not, and never will, ask for reviews. It's a waste of time, effort and my sanity. I know people won't review, except the ones that **_**always**_** do. Alice Vampire and Kerrisha - Kudos to you guys.**

**But, if you want to review, I don't care what you send. Flames, CC (constructive critisism) or even just a note saying you like it.**

**And I've said it before: Reviews do not make me type faster, bring out chapters faster or give me inspiration. I get and do all of that on my own accord.**

**Happy reading guys**

**P.S If you have a story that you really like, message it to me. I haven't read a story in ages that I really liked enough to advertise it here.**

**Except one.**

**It's wrestling one called ****Queen of Extreme****. It's written by a girl and my school who's in the same grade as me and it really kept me interested, even though I know absolutely NOTHING about wrestling and am the WRONG person to talk to about it.**

**Nice writing Kate, keep up the good work.**


	13. Of all the petty things

Disclaimer: **No disclaimer this time.**

Edward: She doesn't own it.

Emmett: I think she should. I mean, this is much funnier than that story we gave to Stephanie.

Stephanie: SHHHHH! I can't let the world know I never made this up on my own! They'll… I'll not be the queen of vampires anymore!

***attacks Stephanie***

Chapter 11: Of all the petty things

"Make up? On me?" I couldn't believe what she was saying! Did she not remember the shopping trip? Was she so traumatized by it that she'd learned hypnosis or something? Did Carlisle suddenly make a new drug specifically targeted at wiping out the memories I left? … Actually, that last one was probably very high up on his list of To-Do… better not tell him about it.

"Yeah. I mean, you're almost as pale as us and honestly, that's not exactly a good thing for a human. You should get tanned."

My mouth dropped open. She said… I should… WHAT?! Get tanned? GET TANNED! Edwardo would slap her just for thinking it! … Speaking of Edwardo… "TANNED! As in… go out in the sun?"

"Yes. Or just wear make up. Or we could take you to a tanning parlour."

"Are you stupid?"

"Just because I'm blonde-"

"No. Not because you're blonde. Tanning parlours can cause cancer! Slow cancer! I LIKE MY HAIR!"

"Yes. Very Jasper-ish."

"Well I'm soooooorry, platinum!"

"What?"

"What makes you think I'd even want to wear make up? So I can look like you?"

"You make it sound like an insult."

"I WILL NOT BE YOUR BARBIE AS WELL! I'm already in this ridiculous get-up thanks to Alice."

"It was kinda your fault."

"When did I destroy your vanity? NEVER! You wouldn't have _hesitated_ in killing me if I had. And I certainly couldn't have blamed it on Emmett!"

"You're right on all of those counts."

"DON'T BE SO DAMN CALM!"

"Why do you want me to be angry?"

"Because you usually are."

"I am not!"

"I want to be a vampire. Bite me Rosalie. Bite me!"

"STOP IT!"

"THERE IT IS! FEED THE ANGER!"

"STOP IT!"

I was up in Rosalie's face now and glaring into her darkening eyes.

"You know you want to. You know you want blood. Human blood. Fresh… pulsing. Red. Waaaarm."

"Shut up, Lillian."

"Bite me, Hosalie!"

Before she could react, I tapped her face with my hand. A tap for a human, it probably felt like a fly landing on her skin to her.

"Did you just hit me?"

"No. But I could go and get the crow bar if you want me to. Will it make you angry?"

"Why are you being such a bitch?"

"Learning from the best."

My tone was nothing but venomous and sarcastic. One way or another, I would make Rosalie angry. I felt like yelling and shouting. And yelling and shouting over her, me, and make up seemed like an alright reason. When I 'tapped' Rosalie again, this time I did slap her, human slap.

"GET ANGRY YOU STUPID BLONDE! Or are you afraid you'll trip over the cordless phone again?" That seemed to be the bite Rosalie needed. She pushed me away from her and stood up.

"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!"

"YOU'RE MY PROBLEM!"

"WHAT DID I DO?!"

"MAKE UP HOSALIE! I'M IN A VERY SENSITIVE MOOD AND YOU HAVE THE ABSOLUTE NERVE TO TELL ME I LOOK TOO PALE AND SHOULD WEAR MAKE UP! I'M SORRY WE CAN'T ALL BE LIKE YOU!"

"MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE! MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST GO HOME! Oh, dear me. You can't."

This argument went beyond make up and sore feelings when she mentioned home. I launched myself out of the couch in seconds and leapt at her, managing to grab onto her hair as she finally realized what I was doing and stepped back. It only brought me right into her face.

"See what I mean, you're such a stupid stuck up cow and the only reason you like Bella now is because she had Renesmee. Admit it. You're too self-absorbed and stupid to care about much else besides, in order: You, Emmett and secrecy."

Rosalie grabbed hold of my shoulders and growled into my face, but I wasn't scared of her. Adrenaline and anger were pumping through me too quickly to care about fear.

"I care about my family." She hissed through her teeth.

"Yeah. I suppose they're _real_ high on your list of what to care about." I snarled back.

"Why don't you just go jump off a cliff and die?"

"Sorry, Bella tried that. I don't want to seem like a copycat."

The conversation dissolved then into very loud growls and snarls from each of us then. No words were spoken. Both of us knew that the next thing we said would inevitably cause some form of destruction. But I would get back at Rosalie. One way or another, I would make sure she paid. Her car seemed like a nice place to start, but I liked the color red. I wouldn't destroy it.

Jasper suddenly slid into the living room, launched himself over the couch and tugged at Rosalie's shoulders. Fear and calm washed the whole room out at once and Rosalie let go of me. I didn't let go of her though… not until Carlisle quickly followed Jasper in and pulled me backwards.

"WHAT ARE YOU BOTH DOING?!"

"SHE STARTED IT!" I yelled. Rosalie made a jump at me the same time I made one at her.

"I'll kill you!"

"Go ahead Blondie! Not like it'd be much of a difference anyway!"

Both of us started snarling again and I felt Carlisle's grip on me tighten a little more as if he truly feared that I'd break away from his grip.

Jasper was frowning as he held Rosalie. Her anger vibes must be coming off very strong for Jasper. She was a vampire, after all, and had more room to hate me in her dead heart.

"Aww, you look cute in that _dress_ Lil. Maybe you should wear some _make up_."

"Aww, you look cute in your _stupidity_, Ho. Maybe you should crawl into a hole and _die!_"

At the same time, Rose and I leapt at each other again, I didn't get far, but Rosalie made Jasper move a few inches closer to me.

"That's enough! Both of you!" Carlisle yelled over the top of both our growlings… again. "Lillian, go into the kitchen. Now!"

I sneered at Rosalie as Carlisle let me go and walked slightly awkwardly into the kitchen. I did still have a cast on!

In the kitchen, Esme and Bella were cooking while Renesmee sat at a chair and talked to both of them. None of them turned to look at me so I sat down at the end of the counter and let my head drop onto the table. I'd wait until she was out hunting… then I would strike.

"Are you alright, Lillian?"

"Shouldn't you be asking Sluts 'R' Us that question?"

Esme frowned as I looked up at her.  
"I know she might not seem to be the _easiest_ person to get along with, but you really shouldn't provoke her."

"She started it!"

"I really don't care who started it. She should try and understand your predicament too. Both of you are just too hard-headed to see things the way the other does.

Are you hungry?"

Why did Esme have to understand how everyone felt about everything? Stupid compassion. How was that even a vampire trait? It was like saying they all had the ability to climb trees.

"Not enough that it matters."

"When was the last time you ate?"

I had to think on that one, but in the time that it took me to think of an answer, she'd already placed a plate of eggs, bacon and sausage in front of me.

"… I'm a vegetarian."

Esme and Bella looked at me for a moment, not understanding.

"I don't eat meat."

"Oh! Sorry. I didn't know."

"It's alright. I really don't need-"

A bowl of salad. I sighed.

"Please. Eat. I'd feel very bad if you were hungry."

Esme had the power to break through the toughest of resolves and make you want to do what she wanted you to do. Didn't need a mind reader and an empath when you had her. I picked up the fork and started eating, thankful that in the hour it took me to eat the fresh salad, none of them spoke to me. Half way through, the three left anyway. Carlisle came in soon after that and watched me eating, waiting for me to finish. That's why I dragged it out as long as I did. But, there wasn't all that much I could do when I got to the last piece of lettuce. Carlisle was immensely patient and waited for me to eat it as I pushed it from one side of the bowl to the other.

When I finally did put my fork back in the bowl, he took it and put it in the sink before he stood in front of me again.

"I should start talking before you finish eating. Before you talk though, I don't care who started it. You both worked each other up and mentioned things that you might regret later. Don't shake your head."

Rosalie might regret what she'd said, but I wouldn't.

"Rosalie is already starting to feel sorry for what she did. She knew she shouldn't have gotten angry."

"Damn right!"

"Neither should you. You know we're vampires, which means you also know how dangerous it is being around us as a human. And you shouldn't provoke Rosalie to bite you."

Carlisle stopped speaking then and put his hand to his face, like he was tired.

"Please, just behave. Jasper and I won't always be there to save you."

"I don't need saving Carlisle. I need to get back home."

"Well… that's just not possible. I'm sorry."

I looked down at my hands. "So you've said." I mumbled.

Neither of us spoke for a few minutes.

"Are you tired?" He finally asked, looking up.

"A little." I admitted, still looking at my hands.

Carlisle walked around the counter, picked me up and ran to the bedroom they'd made for me. He put me down outside the door.

"Thanks."

"Sleep well."

"At least I can."

He chuckled lightly and ruffled my hair before he disappeared.

**Oooh! A tension chapter! And as this is the third one in a day, I am going to go to the library and upload it onto fan fiction… this site! YAY! Three whole chapters in a day! Don't you feel special? More coming tomorrow… maybe.**

**Happy reading!**


	14. That's MY hairbrush!

Disclaimer: **I really do hate these things.**

Renesmee: Didn't-

**SHUT UP YOU HALF BREED FREAK! NO-ONE CARES WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY!**

Stephanie: How dare you make one of my characters cry!

**You just wish she was **_**your**_** real daughter.**

Stephanie: Did you eat an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning?

**Yep. Stole 'em off Hosalie.**

Stephanie: I own Twilight and everything else assocciated with it. The ideas, options and plot hereonin are all Lillian's and I own nothing about them...but she does have a good grasp of the characters.

**Get out of my disclaimer, Mormon.**

Chapter 13: That's MY hairbrush!

The bed the Cullens... or should I say, Esme, had provided for me were quite satisfactory. They'd even supplied me with a diary... HAHAHAHAHAH! As if I'd use it! I'd never used one in my entire life, and I _definetly _wasn't about to start one in a house full of vampires that wanted to know everything about me. I woke up early. Roughly about 5 am, I don't know, there was no clock. I suppose though, when you're a vampire, you don't need one. Maybe they just looked at the sky and gauged what time it was by the relative position of the sun... oh great, here I go into the long winded speeches to myself about the position of the sun and time. STOP! I had Hosalie torture planned for this morning.

Jumping out of the bed, I turned around and made it first. Manners always came first! Besides, I couldn't start the day unless the bed was made. Now, onto the torture. I moved to the door until I slapped my hand against my forehead. I was still wearing the dress from yesterday. I glared down at it hatefully. "You're disgusting." I told it before I looked around. No wardrobe. No other clothes... Rosalie should have some.

I turned back to the door and opened it as quietly as I could. No vampires waiting patiently outside. No yelling from downstairs. Nothing. Silence. Excellent.

Stepping out of the room, I realized it was on the top floor... even better. They really made this too easy. "Anyone home?" I said it normally. If anyone was, they'd be in my face in moments, trying to stop my insane game of Cullen House Domination. No-one came. I giggled. This really was easier than I thought. As quickly I could (cast remember), I walked down the hallway, supporting myself on the banister when I walked past the stairs. I looked down, hoping no-one was there, just waiting for me to pass... I was safe. I lit up with a smirk and everything seemed to get better. Moving on, I stopped right outside Rosalie and Emmett's room. "Never piss off the human, Hosalie." I grinned before I opened the door, stepped in and shut the door behind me. After trashing Alice's wardrobe, Emmett had brought me in here, so I already knew where to go. TO her vanity first though.

Opening the first draw, I frowned. Lip gloss. Lip stick. Lip stuff... wow. Cherry flavoured. NO! Stay on course Lillian! She's trying to distract you! Ok. Second drawer. Hair bands? Holy stone the crows! How many did she need?! Third drawer: Perfect. juuuust what I wanted. HAIR BRUSHES! Let's see miss perfect locks without her holy grails. I picked up as many of the brushes as I could in one hand, and grabbed the bottom of the dress in the other.... no wait. I needed pants. Dropping the brushes back into the drawer, I hurried over to Rosalie's wardrobe and opened it. Dress, dress, shirts... oooh, I liked that one. And .... JEANS! Oh thank you Rosalie! For once you come in handy! Ditching the dress, I pulled on Rosalie's clothes as quickly as I could and hurried back to the brushes. I started stuffing as many as I could into the pockets before I realized there just wasn't enough.... and finally, the dress came in handy. Dragging it back over to the vanity, I took the drawer out and tipped the restof the brushes onto the yellow frilly thing of DOOM! I certainly wouldn't be wearing it again. Now. Rosalie is vain. There is no way she's only have one draw of brushes. It took me five minutes to search her room, quickly mind you, I didn't know when they'd be back, and dump my findings on the dress with the other brushes. Finally, I grabbed the ends of the dress and Santa Sacked the brushes **(A/N: Santa sacking is when you grab the corners and lift it all up so it looks like Santa's Sack)** and walked back to the door. I opened it slowly and looked up, expecting Rose or Emmett or Alice to be standing there. None of them. Still silence... oh crap! ALICE! I decided to put all the brushes back... but walked out of the room and down stairs. There is no way she'd be able to tell the difference between her smells down here, and her hair brushes down here... as long as I distrubuted them evenly. I'd have to go shopping later and retrieve some more... appropriate clothing... of my own choosing. Several brushes here.... a brush there... one on the ceiling fan... one in Esme's favourite vase. I never thought about doing any of these, the places just seemed to jump at me. Finally, the last of the brushes had been discarded in a kitchen drawer. At the same time I shut it, someone shut the front door and I jumped.

They didn't see me! Everything is fine! Alice was distracted!

"Alice _was_ distracted."

I smirked. Edward is-

"You say it and I'll tell Rosalie." He whispered into my ear as he walked right up to me.

"So you won't?"

"Only if you stop calling me gay."

I looked up at Edward. My prime insult... stolen from me... damn.

I put my hand out and Edward took it. Wow, his skin was cold.

"Deal."

Edward smiled victoriously.

"Can I still call Jacob gay?"

"As much as you want."

"WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY HAIRBRUSHES ALL GONE!"

Edward and I both stifled a giggle and bit our lips at the same time as Rosalie's voice filtered into the kitchen. She was at the door in seconds, holding the frame and breathing hard. Her glare lingered on me.

"WHAT?!"

My hand shot to my mouth as I tried not to laugh. Edward was shaking beside me. It seemed I had better control than the vampire over something... wow.

"You.... you despicable... vile... evil... EVIL HUMAN!"

"Why the compliments?"

Edward's shaking grew faster.

"Where are they?" Rosalie hissed.

So hiding them seperately _was_ a good idea then.

Edward couldn't hold it in any longer and a short giggle broke from him. Rosalie turned on him.

"You! You have something to do with this!"

"Rose-" That was all Edward managed to say because as soon as he opened his mouth, the rest of the laughter came out in droves and he fell to his knees, holding his ribs for effect. His back was shaking so violently the thought of if he'd joined Jacob's pack actually crossed my mind. Only the laughter whipped away that thought.

Carlisle walked into the kitchen from the back door and looked from Rose, to Edward, to me. His eyes stayed on me.

"WHAT! WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS LOOK AT ME?!"

"It's usually your fault." He said simply. "What happened?"

"HER! SHE HAPPENED!" Rosalie yelled.

"Rose, inside voices." I said calmly and grinned at her even more violent glare.

"What, exactly did she do?" Carlisle asked intercepting Rosalie.

"She's stolen my hair brushes!"

"DID NOT! YOU CAN'T PROVE IT!"

"Your smell is all over my room!"

Shit. I forgot about that. Carlisle looked at me.

"Did you go into Rosalie's room?"

"Yes."

"SEE!"

"The other day. When Emmett took me in after we trashed Alice's wardrobe."

Rosalie was livid.

"Have you been in there today?" Carlisle continued.

"Yes. To see if anyone was in there. No-one was here when I woke up. I got scared. Emmett is, like, the protector! I felt safe!"

Carlisle fell for it. Especially when I started tearing up and twitched my mouth down.

"She's lying Carlisle."

"Rose. Stop. Lillian, give her back her brushes."

"I don't have them." I said, sniffling.

"This isn't the end of this human." Rosalie growled before she turned and walked out. Edward was still on the floor laughing, he'd surpassed the roaring laughter and most of the shaking. Now he was laughing so hard he'd gone silent. If he was a human, he'd have been choking now.

"Lillian, just give her back her hairbrushes."

So he hadn't entirely fallen for it.

"I think a scavenger hunt for Mrs. Vain will do her some good.. besides, there is still _one_ hairbrush in her room."

Carlisle raised an eyebrow.

"It's under her matress."

Carlisle chuckled and disappeared. I turned back to Edward.

"Are you alright?"

A very loud burst of laughter came from him and I jumped backwards, turning my head on the side as I looked at him.

"I'll take that as a no."

**This, obviously, isn't the end of the Rosalie anger vibes. And before you ask, chances are she won't be finding **_**all**_** of her hairbrushes... but then again, why let her find **_**any**_**, right? XD**

**To those 148 readers of you out there that **_**don't**_** review, thanks for the traffic. I don't know what hits means... is that like, how many times someone reads it or something? Because I have 341 hits on this story... don't know what that means entirely. But thanks.**

**Also, I find it funny how the visitors fluctuates for the chapters. It never ceases to make me giggle.**

**Happy reading.**


	15. Confederacy is dumb

Disclaimer: **Sigh. I hated that whole chapter mistake with chapter 10 and 11. It really did worried me that-**

Emmett: Come on Lillian, just say you don't own it and get on with the story.

**I'M TRYING TO GIVE INSIGHTFUL INFORMATION HERE EMMETT!**

Emmett: Then do it in the chapter announcement. You seem to like them.

**... I don't own Twilight or anything else assocciated.**

**CA: It really worried me that people were reading chapter 11 twice and thought me a bad author. Not that many of you would have... I don't think. It was probably just because I had too many uploaded documents and got confused. They're all titled: Chapter X SWYO (SWYO is a shortened form of SWYO, TTST which is a shortened for of the original title for this story which was: Sleep Well Young One, The Torture Starts Tomorrow. That didn't fit, so it became "How much fun can this be?".) So they got all mixed up when I looked at it. My apologies still go out to those who read chapter 11 twice. I'm sorry for your late night wondering what happened before the whole garage scene. Anyway, on with the story!**

Chapter 14: Confederacy is dumb

I left Edward in the kitchen, holding onto his sides and bursting out with quick shots of laughter when he found time to breath in enough air, and moved into the living room. Two something's whooshed past me but I decided not to mention it. God knew I didn't want Rosalie around me while she was looking for her hair brushes. Jasper, was the only one left in the living room. He looked around, trying to find a quck exit. "It's alright Jasper. You aren't high up on my list of who to annoy."

"I'm not?" He sounded skeptical, and worried.

"No." I enforced, sitting down away from him. He visibly relaxed and even offered a quick smile. He was such a sweetheart. And the cutest of the Cullen boys. Carlisle came a close second, Emmett was third. BUT! Alas, I was here to make the Cullen's life hell. No make friends.

"Why?"

Jasper's eyes shot up and he looked at me curiously. I grinned a little.

"Why what?"

"Confederacy? You _wanted_ slaves?"

Jasper frowned so quickly I was surprised his skin didn't get jet lag. But it was such an excellent reaction.

"Indulge me. I'm an Australian. I know nothing about American's more _stupid_ wars."

"The Confederate - Union war was _not_ stupid." Jasper said softly, now glaring at me.

"Gee, don't get offended, I'm sure whipping african-americans was very fun at the time."

"Do you even know anything _about_ the war?"

I smiled and shook my head, then jumped up and sat down next to him. "I know the Confederate's had a really cool flag."

Jasper sighed and ran a hand down his face. Wow, what a human gesture. "The war lasted almost 4 years exactly, one day off. It started on April the twelfth, 1861, and finished, due to Southern Military collapse, on April eleventh, 1865."

"You didn't fight that long. You were turned in 1864... right?"

Jasper twitched his head slightly. "Yes. Right. How did you-"

"ON WITH THE STORY!"

It took about an hour of Jasper explaining the Condfederacy and Unionship before he stopped abruptly.

"What?"

"Shhh."

I looked up at the roof, keeping my head still and then looked out of the window.

"Are the Union back?"

Jasper frowned at me. "Shhhh!"

"WHAT!"

"It's gone."

"Yes. Jasper, this might come as a shock to you, but the war is over."

Jasper shook his head and leant down close to my leg. "Your leg has finished healing."

"I always figured being a Confederate made you dumb. Now it's proven. Confederacy is stupid."

"I'll chastise you for _that_ comment later. Carlisle!"

"No you won't. I'm-"

"Yes Jasper?"

"Her leg's finished healing... I think. It's not making that annoying grating sound anymore."

"My leg never did!" I bent down and grabbed hold of my leg, shielding it somewhat from Jasper's face. "Meanie."

"Lillian, sit back." Carlisle instructed. Oh, anything for Doctor Good-Looking. Carlisle straightened my leg all the way and held onto my ankle. Maybe they should go into the business of being whole body ice packs. I suppose removing livers and selling them on the black market would be quite easy for them. No need for the tub full of ice.

Carlisle left for a minute and came back in with a small whirring thing. A sharp, metallic, small whirring thing. I turned around and tried clambering over Jasper - obviously for no logical reason - and started shouting.

"NO! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO SPILL THE CRANBERRY JUICE! DON'T KILL ME!"

"Sometimes, I honestly wonder if her body produces acid or some other hallucinagenic drug. Can you hold her?"

Jasper grabbed hold of my hand and wave of sleep washed over me so quickly I fell asleep halfway over him and the couch.

It didn't take long for Jasper to reverse his effect and I slowly came back to the living... well, as living as they can get.

"Kill-joy." I mumbled at Jasper as my eyes focused on the two vampires. Carlisle held up the cast. "OHHHH! PRETTY! Does that mean I can walk normally again?"

"Yes. Your leg is 1005% healed. Lillian, do you have _any_ idea of why you healed so fast? That should have taken 6 weeks at a minimum."

I shrugged. "I'm not in _my_ world, I'm in _your_ world. That's all I can come up with."

Carlisle looked at Jasper and they both nodded.

"It's viable. How does your leg feel?"

"Itchy." I sat up and looked at my leg, only realizing them that I was still wearing Rosale's clothes... how did no-one notice that before? I shrugged and didn't think on it anymore. If Rose knew... I'd very quickly become a half nudist. I started scratching my leg through the denim, one of them had put it back over my leg. How thoughtful of them.

I turned to Jasper. "So, have you still got your flags?"

**Ooooh! Cliffhanger... I think. I don't usually do them, but the next chapter is full of action, yelling, laughter and .... other stuff.**

**Happy reading!**


	16. Raise the flags! Pirates ahoy!

Dislclaimer: Bella: This should be interesting to see what she comes up with this time.

Rosalie: ... Where is she? Doesn't she usually start these things straight up with some stupid comment totally unrelated to disclaiming?

Esme: What's wrong?

Bella: Lillian's missing... I'm kind of missing her snide comments already.

*Rosalie thwacks Bella*

Rosalie: Don't talk like that!

Carlisle: I heard raised voices.

Esme: Lillian's missing dear.

Carlisle: She's asleep. She fainted on her way to do the disclaimer.

Esme: We're in the disclaimer now....

Rosalie: Twilight does not in any way belong to Lillian. Nor will it ever. Her stupid little comments are stupid and sometimes I wish I could just duct tape her to a chair and shove her into a closet so we never have to listen to her insanity ever-

Carlisle: ROSE! To the point!

Rosalie: Nor does she own us.

Bella: That was her biggest disclaimer yet... and she wasn't even in it.

Chapter 15: Raise the flags! Pirates ahoy!

Jasper immediately became wary of me once I mentioned his flags. But he knew he couldn't lie to me. I had too much information on the vampires.

"Uhh… yes." He looked towards Carlisle, asking for either an escape, or help.

"Lillian, don't touch his flags. Imagine what you did to Rose, multiplied by about twenty."

That sounded too good to be true. EXTREME ANGER! Yay! I sat back down again and crossed my arms.

"Why would I hurt dear sweet jazzy?"

"Because you're you." Jazz retorted quickly.

"I suppose that's true… can I go through the attic?"

Jasper's gaze shot to Carlisle, but was masked from me by his hair. Stupid poofy hair. Carlisle and Jasper had a very quick conversation… it could have been even longer than I thought because their words were buzzing instead of being actual words to me. Stupid human hearing.

"Okay. But be careful." Jasper looked even more pained than he did in school when Carlisle said that. I was out of the seat and over it in record time, already running for the stairs.

When I got to the stairs, Emmett and Rosalie were standing halfway up, Emmett had his arms around Rosalie's waist and his hands were resting lightly on her bum. They were kissing deeply. I suppose they could when they never had to breath. Neither of them noticed me.

"BREAK UP PATROL!" I yelled suddenly, having seen quite enough. "SUNSHINE RULE! SUNSHINE RULE! ESME! EMMETT'S EJACULATING ON THE STAIRS!"

Esme was at my side in seconds, Rosalie and Emmett separated so fast Emmett hit the railings and almost fell backwards. I smirked and ascended the stairs.

"False alarm. They were just making out." I smirked at Rose as I passed her and at the top of the stairs, started running again. The attic was the place to be!

At the attic, they had one of those cool pull down ladders that locked at the top. I tripped up these stairs, but when I made it in, I pulled up them up and used the padlock next to it… hmmm, wonder what they've been doing.

Turning around, I'd found my holy grail, and they were all labelled. Edward… Esme… Esme… Esme… Alice… more than three quarters of this section had been dedicated to Alice's boxes. And mind you, the boxes weren't small. Finally though, I found what I was looking for. Jasper's boxes. Almost immediately I started rifling through them. The first one just had books… the seconds had more books… the third was the same. After opening the fourth and finding books about human behavioural patterns, I spotted a box that read: "Jasper 1862". I grinned. Jackpot.

Jumping over the other boxes, I held the sides of this box as my eyes glittered with all the possibilities of what could be in this box. It wasn't taped, so I opened the flaps and almost fainted with glee. His uniforms! Well, at least two of them in any case. And on top, folded neatly, were a Confederate and a Union flag. I pulled out the flags and set them aside, I'd have fun with them soon. Right now, I wanted to play dress ups… wanted to.

I'd ask Alice later if she wanted to go shopping with me.

I'd also ask Edward if he wanted to come.

Or Alice and I could drag Bella and then Edward would come anyway…

No, we'd have to keep Edward here. If I decided to run away again, he'd be able to read my mind.

Stupid mind reading vampire.

While all that thinking was going on, I'd pulled out Jasper's Major uniform and exchanged Rosalie's clothes for it. Maybe I wouldn't need to go shopping at all! Noooooow…. What else could I use in heeere? I looked around at all the boxes and settled on looking through Esme's for a moment. There was a whole box full of window cleaner… whatever. I grabbed out four of the spray bottles and stuck them into the belt of Jasper's uniform, then turned to another of Esme's boxes. All this one held were wire scourers that looked like metal bombs… Bombs… I grinned and scooped an armful up before walking back over to Jasper's boxes and dumping them on the ground. I found more boxes that read the same as the uniformed one: "Jasper 1862". There was a few with '61 and one with '63. Jasper must have gone back at some point after Maria and collected all this stuff. But I didn't need to know about the historical side of my adventure, just the practical.

Inside one of the other '62 boxes I found cowboy boots, military socks and a whole body pack **(A/N: I'll take a photo so you all know what I'm talking about.)**. I took it all out and put the socks and boots on before stuffing my pretend bombs into the pouches and strapping it on. Now, I just need a few more things to complete my outfit. A bit more searching resulted in me finding his Major's hat (promptly stuck on my head) and his old weapons (promptly added to the costume). Searching through the pockets of the body pack before I walked out, I found a lot of things that made me question what actually happened during the Civil War… and then, of all things, I found the best finishing touch to the costume. FACE PAINT! I opened it up and looked in the tiny mirror that was inside and smiled. Dipping my fingers into one of the three colors, I streaked the color across my cheek, then repeated the action with the other two colors under the first. And now, I was ready.

Grabbing the flags on my way over to the open-able window in the attic, I laid one flag across each shoulder. This was going to be immense amounts of fun. Clambering out onto the roof was quite easy as it was a ledge, getting onto the top most part of the house was a little more difficult and required a bit more balance.

"I'm the Queen of the Castle, and Rosalie's the dirty… I probably shouldn't finish that." I sang out over the roof, musing the last part to myself. Regardless of if I wanted the vampires to come out, Rosalie, at least, did.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?!" She shouted.

"SHUT UP ROSALIE! THE UNION WILL HEAR YOU!"

That seemed to be the correct trigger to pull Jasper outside. And when he looked up, his mouth dropped and he stunned into silence. The rest of the family soon followed. I assumed maybe Rosalie said something I couldn't hear to get them running.

"LILLIAN! GET DOWN!" Carlisle called. I turned back to face them and frowned.

"No. It's pretty cool up here. And shut up! The Union will hear! Do you want _lose_ the war?"

I skipped over to the other end of the roof and pulled the Union flag off my shoulder. I laid it out on the roof and skipped to the other side, pulling the Confederate flag off and prepared to do the same.

"IF THAT FLAG SO MUCH AS TOUCHES THE ROOF!" Jasper finally shouted. I looked at him over my shoulder and let the tip of the flag touch the roof. Jasper lunged for the side of the house but was held back by Emmett as I lifted the flag up again.

"Chillax my Confederate brother, I wasn't going to lay it out on the roof. How demeaning!"

I tied the flag to the TV aerial. Jasper seemed at least somewhat satisfied with that and stop trying to push through Emmett's hold on him.

"Lillian, get down now." Carlisle had gone into his loud but soft voice. The voice that meant "Either you do what I say or I'll do something you don't like"… fortunately, he didn't know what I liked.

I turned around to the vampires and saluted them, standing stiffly, just like my Army dad and brother had taught me how to do. I stayed like that until finally I looked at Jasper, then turned to Edward.

Tell Jasper to salute. What kind of soldier does he think he is? Not saluting a Major.

Edward turned to Jasper and spoke to him, Jasper frowned while glaring at me and finally stood at attention and saluted. I smirked and dropped the salute before I dropped to the roof and started rummaging through one of the body pack pockets. I pulled out one of the scourers and lifted it to my mouth, pretending to take out the pin and threw it across the roof before covering my head. "WATCH OUT! TEN SECONDS!"

As ten seconds was up, I jumped to my feet, yelled BOOM! and pulled out another scourer pad and did the same thing, this time throwing it at the vampires.

"YOU DAMN UNION SONS OF BITCHES! DIIIIIEEEE!"

The scourer pad his Rosalie in the shoulder as she'd stopped paying attention and started talking to Nessie, probably trying to explain my … whatever was left of my… probably trying to explain away my insanity. Nessie looked doubtful. I threw a scourer at her.

"DEMON SPAWN!"

Nessie frowned and looked at Rosalie. Rosalie looked at me and shrugged.

"Must not attack the womens… no matter how much they look like… mustn't finish that sentence… must be a gentleman."

Edward and Emmett started shaking. Jasper clenched his fists.

"MARIA! MARIA WHERE ARE YOU! MY FIRST ETERNAL LOVE! I NEED BACK UP!"

That pushed Jasper beyond his level of patience and he did launch himself at the side of the house this time. He climbed quickly. I ran over to the other side of the roof and lifted the Union flag, draping it around my shoulders. As Jasper climbed over the side of the roof, I threw three scourers at him in quick succession, then dropped to the roof and started rolling down the slight incline. Jasper was walking slowly across the roof, probably trying to debate whether or not it was a good idea to kill me.

As I hit the flat surface that dropped onto the slope of the third story, I rolled under the small eave and pressed my back up against the wall.

"The Confederates are after us sir, what do we do?" I looked up and answered myself. "We run like scared little bitches. Even though we'll win, this one's a bit of a freak."

I rolled out of the eave and saw Jasper closer than I expected, but still advancing, I threw another scourer at him… and of course, I missed. I screamed shrilly and ran back to the opposite side of the house, dropping the Union flag along the way. I clambered back onto the top roof as Jasper turned and started walking towards me. I ran up to the Confederate flag and untied it quickly, my fingers shaking. I had to have as much fun as I could while I still could.

"This is better than any sports or comedy channel." Emmett laughed from the ground. I looked back for a second and found Carlisle glaring at me. Wow, I thought he was the nice one. Edward dissolved into laughter at that point and Emmett couldn't help but join him. Esme was looking at me in shock as I threw more brillo pads at Jasper.

"If you stop throwing stuff at me, give me back the flags and take off my uniform _now_, then I won't kill you." He was about three meters away.

"As if Jazzy Spazzy. I like being a Confederate with a split personality."

Emmett and Edward burst out into hysterics. Alice was looking into the future and Rosalie was looking at Emmett oddly.

Jasper leapt for me and I dropped at the same time I saw him tense. He missed me by seconds, but that gave me enough time to roll down half the incline and slide down the last half on my stomach, landing on my feet at the join between attic and third floor. AND, I managed to keep the Confederate flag from touching the roof.

"JAZZY SPAZZY WANTS GOOD VIBES! I'M SORRY MAJOR! WE LOST!"

"I'll give you Jazzy Spazzy good vibes you spiteful human wench!" Jasper yelled, walking after me slightly quicker than human speed, but not faster than my running speed. I climbed back onto the roof incline and ran up, sliding, belly down, down the other side. Emmett and Edward had gone so completely into laughter that they were back at Edward's kitchen laughing style. Curled up into balls, holding their sides and shaking more than Jacob when he was angry.

I stopped when I looked at Jacob and turned back to glare at Jasper.

"Did you just call me wench?"

"Yes." He hissed.

I whipped out one Esme's cleaning bottles and started spraying it, both hands pressing down on the nozzle. It didn't reach far. I threw it aside and pulled out one of Jasper's guns. He stopped.

"Don't drop that!" He seemed afraid now. I spun it Western style and stopped it in the aiming position.

"Put the gun, _slowl-ly_ on the roof, and step away."

I put the gun back in the pocket I got it out of and started running, Jasper appeared in front of me. I stepped back and faltered. Jasper was pulsing with anger vibes, he couldn't keep them contained.

"Alice is taking off her shirt."

Jasper looked down. That actually distracted him!? I didn't expect it to, it was just a ploy, but I took the time frame and clambered back on to the incline and legged it up, slipping and tripping a lot. Jasper wasn't taking slow steps anymore. As I reached the top, I grabbed hold of the top of the incline, hauled myself up and over it, and then pushed off it as I slid down. As I hit the flat gap, I ran for the window, hoping to get back inside before Jasper got to me… no such luck. Jasper stood at the entrance to the window. I stepped backwards a few steps and found myself at the edge of the roof. Quickly thinking, I yanked off the Confederate flag and dangled it over the edge of the roof. Jasper's eyes shot to the size of dinner plates, but he frowned at the same time, so the overall outcome was quite strange and I had to stop myself from bursting into laughter.

"Don't do it if you want to live."

"I'm sure one of the family will catch it." I smirked and let go of the flag, Jasper was there in a second and grabbed the flag, I dropped the body pack and ran. Jasper was still faster, he stood right in front of the window. Looks like it was time for experimenting. I continued running at him, and about a meter away, I dropped and pushed against the tiles, sliding the rest of the way. Right before I slid past the window, I L shaped my legs and the connected with the window frame. I grabbed onto a tile and flipped onto my stomach and pushed at the tile at the same time. My torso turned into the window and I dropped down onto the floor boards, bringing the window down with me as I grabbed that before I dropped. Jasper bent down and glared through the glass, I smirked and finished locking it before he could open it.

"Good vibes Jazzy. Good vibes. At least I didn't tear anything… right?"

I turned 360 and showed Jasper that his uniform was intact… at least, I thought it was, there were no nicks or scratches in it, and it hadn't been ruined in any other way. Maybe if you were a vampire there might be some rubbing from all the sliding, but nothing besides that. Jasper had to concede. I turned around, stripped out of Jasper's uniform and unlocked the stairs. There were down instantly and Carlisle stood at the bottom of the stairs, Jasper was up them before I got a chance to move again. He pushed me lightly as he went past me and I frowned at him.

"Get down here, Lillian. Now."

Ohhhhh, stuff.

**OMG! ACTION! YAY!!!! 2714 words! Longest chapter yet. :D**

**If you want more of my stupid parody/humor stories that are funny, I've started a new one called "The Diary Chronicles by Jasper Hale".**

**Also, I'm going to be continuing all my other stories, my serious ones, and starting a few new stories. One of which will be called "Someday I'll get it right."**

**Happy reading.**


	17. Ugghhh! I meant vampires!

Disclaimer: **~sleepily~ I still hate pinecones.**

Rosalie: Here she goes with the stupid comments. LILLIAN! Just say you don't own it. You always end up doing it anyway.

**Fuck up Rose. You bastards did my longest disclaimer ever! I hate you all!**

Jasper: Not me I hope.

**~swoon~ Of course not my Confederate soldier. I would never hate you.**

Jasper: ~smiles~

**~double swoon~**

Rosalie: She's trying to make this her longest disclaimer isn't she?

Jasper: Yes. ... looks like she won't be though.

Rosalie: Why not?

Jasper: She just fainted.

Chapter 16: Ugghhhh... I meant vampires

I walked down the ladder slowly. Carlisle had turned around. It's not my fault Jasper would have ripped the uniform off me. And not only would that have caused his uniform to rip, it would have caused some damage to my bones too. I didn't exactly feel like being in a whole body cast.

"We're going to have a serious chat."

"I said I'm sorry about the pine needles!"

"Pine needles?"

. . "Never mind." (**A/N: I didn't know how to explain that look appropriately in a funny way, so that was my funny way...**)

As soon as I'd stepped off the ladder, Alice climbed up and the ladder closed.

"I don't even want to _think_ about what they're doing in there.... although, some images have already sprung to mind." I shuddered visibly and thought of a great way to anno.. CARLISLE! ... I'd do if during the talk.

By the tie we made it into the living room, Esme had wrapped a blanket around me and I was huddling into it. This didn't make up for my lost blankie... OMG! I totally forgot about it! "WHERE'S MY BLANKIE!" I screamed at Carlisle, stopping in the door frame. My eyes went wide. I needed it. It was warm... but cold, at the same time... always! I needed it! Esme arrived in the room seconds later, the red teddy bear blankie securely in her hands. I dropped the Cullen's blanket and ran for mine. Esme handed it to me, smiling. Oh no. They'd done something to it. I instantly checked over the blanket and found the problem... I glared at Esme.

"What's wrong, dear?"

"Did you do this?" I pointed angrily to a spot on the blanket.

"Yes. It was getting a bit ratty."

I narrowed my eyes and started tearing at the fabric. Esme looked slightly horrified.

"It's not _my_ blankie unless it has _my_ holes in it!"

I walked over to the seat and continued tearing at the stitching using my teeth. I alternated every few seconds to glare at Esme. Carlisle sat down next to her and wrapped his arm around her waist, they both leant back into the couch they were sitting on.

"Now that you're... busy. We need another talk. It seems I can only talk when you have something in your mouth."

I growled at him while yanking at the thread.

"As much teasing, taunting, and general bad mouthing that you've done since you got here, today has been the worst. You annoyed Rosalie _and_ Jasper in less than four hours. It's only eight am."

"It's a talent," I interrupted.

Carlisle looked nervously at Esme.

"For you, yes. The rest of us find it substantially annoying, and if you continue, we will have no choice but to leave you with the wolves again."

"You say that like it's a threat."

Carlisle shot a look at Esme again, I grinned. They'd just lost their number one threat, and they couldn't leave me with a human... well-

"We'll have to leave you with Charlie then."

"Isn't he like... eighty now?"

"No. He's only 49."

"Wow. It's not been long since Rensemee was born then?"

"No."

"UNDO THESE DAMN STITCHES! I mean... thank you for the thought, but it just doesn't feel right stitched up." I didn't throw the blanket at Esme, simply because I loved it so much.

Esme took it with a smile on her face and had all of her efforts undone in moments. Handing it back, she scooped up the threads in both hands and disappeared. I wrapped the blanket around me and snuggled into it, almost being hidden entirely. It was cold at the moment, but it would heat up a few degrees and stay at a very comfortably temperature.

"So you like the wolves now?" Carlisle asked after a few moments of silence.

"Yeah... I suppose you guys are ok."

Carlisle frowned for the smallest of seconds. "The wolves, not the vampires."

"The vampires, no. I don't like them. I think it's stupid, every time they get angry their bodies molecular structure "shifts" and they become something else. Dumb. You wolves are alright though."

Carlisle's frowned returned, for a few seconds longer this time. "We're vampires. They, Jacob and his pack, are wolves."

"You change shapes when you get angry? Ewww!"

"No. Jaocb and his pack of wolves do. We just drink blood."

"When did you change your name to Jacob?"

"I didn't."

"You're confusing me!" I said loudly, frowning at Carlisle.

"You've _confused_ me." He replied, closing his eyes for a few seconds.

"Leave me alone wolf!"

"I'm a vampire." It was easy to tell Carlisle was getting somewhat annoyed now and it took all of my will power not to start laughing.

"Then go shift into your other form and leave me alone!"

"I don't change shapes. Jacob and his pack do! They are wolves."

"When did you change your name to Jacob?" I decided to repeat the process.

"I didn't." Carlisle wasn't playing along anymore, he stood up and started to leave when the doorbell rang.

"Looks like the wolves have visitors." I mumbled into my blankie.

Carlisle glared at me slightly as he walked out of the room and disappeared.

A sudden scream chilled the air around the house and I cowered into my blanket. The scream wasn't afraid, but excited, and instantly, I was happy.

"Just get out of the damn way!"

"But... but... but... CARLISLE!"

"WHERE'S JACOB!!!!???"

Oh Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeett!"

A loud thud was heard and I crawled along the couch until I was in the corner, then popped my head up, still hidden amongst the blankets, and peeked over the top of the couch. Jasper and Alice walked past and Jasper glared at me.

"I don't know what's going on!" I said softly, but angrily. I did know _who_ was going on though.

Seconds later, Alice and Jasper were running back through the living room.

"QUICK! RUN!" I screamed as I jumped over the couch at the same time three people barrelled into the living room. They stopped dead and started screaming again. When the fourth joined, I started jumping up and down and screamed before launching myself at the unsuspecting girl and hugged her.

"SANITY! FINALLY!"

"Get off me!" Kate said bluntly and pushed me backwards. As soon as I was free, Kerrisha, Terror and KT jumped for me. I stepped backwards and avoided them all.

"KATE HELP ME!"

"Oi! Idiots! Stop being shrilly little fanfreaks and act normal."

"For them, I am normal." I retorted indignantly. Kate held back a smirk.

"We all know _you're_ a freak. We can at least give those three a _chance._"

"I don't think so. They _like_ the Cullens."

Kate and I looked at each other and frowned slightly, then looked at the other three, who'd gone from excited to curious and were now exploring the living room.

"I think you're right." Kate said, shaking her head.

"Of course I am."

Carlisle came into the room then and looked at all five of us.

"I don't know what we did wrong."

Kerri stopped looking at the TV and ran over to Carlisle before she threw her arms around his waist and hugged him.

"You didn't do anything wrong. Lillian is just a bitch."

Terror and KT joined in the hugging session with Carlisle who actually smiled. I turned to Kate and opened my arms.

"You wish." She snorted. I laughed.

"I've been stuck around these damn werewolves for like ages! Why can't I have a human hug?"

Everyone looked at me, Carlisle frowning.

"VAMPIRES!" They all shouted at the same time. I glared at each of them, besides Carlisle and they understood.

"WHERE ARE THE VAMPIRES?!" Kerrisha yelled, looking around, still hugging Carlisle.

"We're right here... well, I am."

"Shut up, wolf." I growled at Carlisle.

Terror and KT started laughing.

Rosalie decided that then would be a good time to walk in. She froze.

"Carlisle. I didn't know we ordered meals on wheels."

"Actually, we're on feet. And I'm sure I still have a gallon or two left that you _haven't_ drunk already." I snorted at Rose. "Go look for your hairbrushes dog."

A growling that had nothing to do with stomach's started and everyone backed away from me.

"She's going to die isn't she?" Kate asked the Twi-hards.

"Most likely." Kerrisha said.

"Why? Why would she hide Rose's hairbrushes!? She should _know_ that's practically signing your own death warrant."

"Carlisle, aren't you going to stop Rosalie?" KT looked up at Carlisle.

"Rose! ROSE! Stop it... I'll..."

"You'll what?" Rose snarled, sinking into an attack position.

"Umm... I'll... I'LL GIVE YOU A BABY!"

Rose stopped. Everyone looked at me.

"WHAT?!" They, plus Edward and Bella (who'd just walked in), all shouted.

I rolled my eyes. "Cullens in attendance, this is Kate, Kerrisha, Terror and KT. Twi-hards and fellow non-Twi-harder: Cullens. You can refer to them all as a collective, they're like dogs in that sense."

Kate started laughing. The Cullens glared at me.

"Lillian and Terror. Two names I'm not keen on."

"Oh, it's not really Terror... but it sounds cool."

Everyone looked at TERROR!

"What's your real name?"

"Tara."

"That's so much more sane."

"Can I steal Emmett off you and marry him and have a bazillion human/vamp- werewolf cross babies?"

Rose looked stunned, then angry, then surprised, then she just looked blank... like she'd been hit by a bus or something.

"No."

"Damnit. I was hoping if I asked she'd say yes."

"You'll not get anywhere with Hosalie by asking. That's why I just sto-... Nothing."

"Twi-hards?"

Everyone looked at Edward.

"YES! These are the very same Twi-hards that introduced me to you pathetic lot of sparkly freaks... actually, I've only ever seen Edward sparkle... or heard about it rather."

"Bella, we're leaving."

Not even a proper goodbye and the two were gone.

"SEE! HOW CAN ANYONE FIND THAT GOOD LOOKING?! DID YOU SEE HIS HAIR?!" I yelled at the Twi-hards.

The Twi-hards started laughing.

"WRESTLING!" I yelled loudly. Kate squealed and Emmett suddenly appeared in the room.

"You called?"

I smirked as Tara fainted.

"See, no-one fainted for sex Ed."

"I heard wrestling. Who's wrestling? JASPER! WRESTLING!"

Jasper peered around the door and everyone turned to look at him.

"Wanna wrestle?"

"What the hell would a _vampire_ know about wrestling? Why don't you go and eat a deer?"

Jasper walked fully into the room and stood next to Emmett. A loud thud was heard and everyone still standing looked at Kerrisha... she'd fainted. I started laughing and Kate turned back to Emmett and Jasper.

"For someone who's 167 years old, and someone who's almost one hundred, we know quite a bit more about wrestling than a," Emmett looked at Jasper and they both let out a small laugh before they looked back at Kate. I started laughing so hard I had to kneel down and wrap my arms around my stomach. The look on Kate's face was priceless! "13 year old."

Kate's face lit up red with fury and her fists clenched. I started laughing even harder and rolled onto my side before curling up into a ball.

"FYI, it's 17. And FYI, I could probably match you for the last 100 years... Idiot. Just because I'm human doesn't mean I don't know anything."

Jasper and Emmett looked at each other and I started crying because I was laughing so hard.

"Did you see the last live wrestling match?"

"YES!"

Kate and Emmett got into a very heated discussion about the last match and I started crawling out of the room, still laughing. I only got a few steps before someone picked me up and dropped me into a seat in the kitchen.

"You have some weird friends Lillian." Jasper mused, standing at the other end of the kitchen. KT, Tara and Kerri were all sitting next to me. Kerri was holding a knife, smiling and looking at Jasper intently. I slapped the back of her head lightly.

"He had enough of that with Bella. Do you want to be a copycat? Think of something more creative!" I turned to Jasper and shrugged. "And you thought _I_ was the worst? Puh-leeeease!"

**Yeah. Ok. I know it's not very climatic, and there isn't a lot of action. But it took AGES to get the last few lines out... anyway, the next one will be the longest chapter ever because there's action, mayhem and glitter spray... opps. I didn't say that! YOU SAW NOTHING!**

**By the way, there's a plot hole in this chapter... but it doesn't matter. 10 brownies if you can figure it out though. :D**

**Happy reading.**


	18. Mayhem at the mall PART 1

Disclaimer: **I actually had to edit this chapter, because the title would mean absolutely nothing if I were to go on with it like I did.**

Cullen: -sigh collectively-

**-Smirks-**

Carlisle: Jasper?

**-swoon-**

Jasper: I hate you Carlisle.

**Marry me Jasper. Give me babies!**

Jasper -glares at his family- Hate. You. All. -smiles-

**-double swoon-**

Bella: Lillian does not own anything related with Twilight. Just her and her weird friends.

**CA: I'm going to show everyone reading, still, the chapter stats for last month.**

**1****--145. ****2****--56. ****3****--34. ****4****--31. ****5****--35. ****6****--33. ****7****--25. ****8****--22. ****10****--18. ****11****--11. ****12****--12. ****13****--11. ****14****--15. ****15****--15. ****16****--4**

**I only kept chapter (underlined) and vistitors. I got rid of chapter nine because that's a song, not part of the story. This is what makes me laugh when I talk about the fluctuation of the vistors per chapter. **

**145 people read the first chapter. Less than half read the next chapter.**

**Let's stop there for a moment.**

**Less than half?**

**Come on now, I know the first chapter sucks, but do you read a book by its cover?**

**Then we get a slow decresse of people. I average, per chapter, about three reviews (actually 1.705). There were 15 people reading chapter 15 (Funny no?) and I got two reviews. That's 13 people who didn't review.**

**To those of you who don't review: Thanks for continuing to read my story. You could possibly be haters, but what do I care? You're still reading :D**

**On a slightly not longer tangent about my reviews, and this goes out to everyone who is faithful in reading the story:**

**How much fun can this be?**** is going to be turned into a video parody. NO LONGER SHALL MY HILARIOUS ANTICS BE RESTRICTED TO PAGES ON THE INTERWEB! LILLIAN SHALL RULE YOUTUBE AS WELL! *insert best evil laugh here***

**Anyway, the account will be up shortly, and after that, maybe a few days after, I'll get together the cast and we'll put together a very funny and fitting parody trailer, and then, the fun will begin.**

**In the meantime: For those of you who don't review, but still want to talk to me, I now have email!**

**Yahoo: (Cuz sounds soooo much better than )**

**Hotmail: **

**Wow. Longest CA ever... and the Cullens didn't interrupt me once... I think that calls for an extra long chapter don't you reckon? (It was 8 fucking pages on my computer. You guys better be happy wth it). Here it is:**

Chapter 17: Mayhem at the mall PART 1

"I don't know. They're all wearing clothes." Jasper's lips curled up slightly in a small smile. I scowled venomously at him and hugged my blankie tighter. My three twi-loving friends looked over at me. Kerri was still holding the knife. I reached out and grabbed it off her before I slammed it onto the counter.

"Creativity Kerri! Cre-at-ivity! And you're the one that wouldn't let me stay in the cams. Well... _wouldn't have _let me stay in them."

"Next time I kill you." Jasper said easily before he leant against the counter and became motionless again.

"You're in human company Jasper." I said snarkily and Jasper twitched his head to look at me. He'd been looking at Kerri warily.

"And? You all seem to know about us."

"You could at least breathe."

Jasper took in an exaggerated breath and held it. I frowned at Kerri, who was sitting directly next to me, as she sighed lustfully. Jasper cringed and I smirked.

"I'm not the only one who can fuck with your powers." I said happily as I clapped Kerri on the back. Maybe I could have a lot more fun with them around... and I now had four new people to blame my fun on so _I_ didn't get killed. Jasper looked at me after narrowing his eyes. Shit, I forgot about that.

"When are the vampires getting here?" KT asked. I glared at her for a moment before sweeping my hand in Jaspers direction.

"They _live_ here." I stressed the word live and rolled my eyes.

"But... aren't we... aren't they…? ... When's Jacob getting here?"

I slapped my hand against my forehead before looking up at Jasper. "Can you see yet why I don't like you?"

"You like me, though."

"You, as in: The Collective."

"Starting to figure, not quite up to seeing yet."

I sighed as my three twilovers turned to each other and started talking. Kerri started to reach for the knife before I picked it up and threw it at Jasper, who caught it and put it in the sink. "No Kerri. Jasper likes keeping himself vegetarian."

Kerri, KT and Tara giggled and I rolled my head, feeling quite exhausted.

"Jasper, I don't want another shopping trip with Alice, do you know where she put my clothes?"

The three girls looked at me, then my blanket, then started laughing so hard that Kerri fell off her chair and KT was holding her sides. Tara collapsed against the counter. I smiled sheepishly and Jasper disappeared for a few moments before he reappeared and handed me the clothes I'd come to this world in. My cow PJ's, now void of the blood from the Alice incident, a white tank top, a white long sleeve shirt and a black shirt that said "It's hard to show I care. Since I don't." **(A/N: I think I've changed the shirt like five times now. It's a magic shirt... mmkay?)** I pulled on my pants first and looked down at them. It appears I'd lost some weight from around my waist because the PJ's were trying to stay up, and only just managed to do so. I tossed the blanket on the chair as I stood up, and was greeted by a loud chorus of snorting laughter from my three friends as I put my shirts on. "Yeah, yeah. Haha. Alice stole my clothes. How about I let her take _you lot_ out on her insanity?"

"My wife is not insane."

"That's what she said, but it's contradictory when compared with the evidence."

That sentence only sent the girls into silent hysterics and I looked at them individually before sighing. Jasper frowned.

"Hey, what are you guys doing here anyway?"

Kerri was the first to get her composure back and she stood up slowly, still having short bursts of giggles along the way. "We finally decided that we didn't like Twilight, but it was at my Twilight sleep-over. Next thing we knew, we woke up out the front."

"What about Kate?"

Kerri shrugged and looked back at the door that led to the hallway. "She was there too."

"Maybe it's all my fault." I turned to look at Jasper questioningly, but he wasn't there. My confused expression quickly turned dark and sinister as I grinned. Kerri looked around the kitchen for a few seconds and then back at me. "You're going to drag us into this aren't you?"

"Kicking and screaming." I smiled and started to block my thoughts by singing Sweet Transvestite

"Is that some kind of snide innuendo about my sexuality?" Edward stood at the door and the four of us girls just looked at him.

"I never said anything about your sexuality. I simply like the song." I defended.

"Song?" KT asked.

"Sweet Transvestite."

"HAHAHAHAHAA! EDWARD'S GAY!"

Edward snarled at me and I threw up my hands in defence. "I said nothing! I didn't imply it, condone it, think about or even plan anything _around_ the quote!" Edward looked from me to KT, to the other two, still glaring, before he turned back to me.

"If they say it, I tell Rosalie."

"WHAT?! I don't have any control over them!"

"Get some." Was all he said before he vanished. I stood there, mouth open, arms by my side.

You said I couldn't think about that, so now I'm going to think about what an asshole you are.

I turned to my three friends.

"Don't call Edward that. Or else I end my mortal life."

"Don't sound _too_ emo, Lillian."

I glared at them before I grabbed Kerri's wrist, who dominoed onto KT's, who grabbed Tara's. As we passed the living room, I ran in, grabbed Kate's and dragged her out amidst her complaints.

"You all stay here. I forgot something."

I ran back into the kitchen smirking. Africa didn't seem like a bad place to go to. I had to find Edwardo too. He'd vanished somewhere. I skipped back to the group, had to _redrag_ Kate back out and skipped us out to the garage.

"Eenie, meenie, miney, that one." I giggled and dragged the line over to the black Mercedes and stroked my hand along the top. Alice ran into the garage and stared at us as we looked up at her. She looked like she was breathing heavily as she ran down, zipped around her car, stared at us again and then left, shutting the door behind her.

"I've seen her do stranger things." I remarked and ran over to the keys. I pressed the buttons on each of them until the black car finally beeped. Everyone piled in and I took the drivers seat.

"Ummm…. Anyone know how to drive?"

Kate turned to look at me, she'd shot gunned front. "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRI-"

I planted my hand over her mouth and shhhed her quickly. Kerri, KT and Tara joined in the shhhing part. We all looked towards the door for a few seconds… no-one came. I breathed out a sigh of relief and the three girls in the back leant back. Kate looked wounded.

"I was joking. Of course I know how to… this is an automatic right?"

All four of them looked at me dangerously and I laughed, raising my hands slightly. "Joking again!" I rolled my eyes and slid the keys into the ignition before I started hitting buttons trying to find out how to open the garage door. Kate sighed, leant forward and poked a button. It read "Garage door" on it. I grinned impishly. "Well that helps."

"You might want to hurry it up."

I turned the ignition, put the car into drive and slammed onto the gas pedal just as Edward, followed by the rest of the family, ran through the door. The car lurched forward and came centimetres to hitting a tree before I turned it. It skidded out slightly against the gravel and flicked a spray of tiny rocks into the trees.

As soon as the car was back on straight, the speed picked up more evenly and we were out of the driveway in no time, Kate screaming in my ear at the turns to turn.

"I KNOW WHERE TO TURN! I've been kidnapped down this road before!"

That started Kate and I into an argument until I grinned and held up one of Alice's credit cards.

The three in the back drew in gasps and pressed themselves further back into the seat.

"Grand theft auto AND you stole her credit card?" Kerri asked, slightly in awe, but also fear.

"I'm not thinking. I'm not planning... Card_s_."

"That'll only get you so far."

"Lets hope it gets us to the mall."

"Do you know where the mall is?"

I turned around in the seat and Kate yelled at me before grabbing the wheel. "Of course I do! Alice kidnapped me and tortured me into wearing dresses. I'm not going to forget it any time soon." I turned back around just as Kate dissolved into laughter. Kerri looked behind her and gasped, which in turn, caused the other three in the car to do the same. In the same order.

"You might want to drive faster Lillian, or find a way to drive around very quickly." Kate said slowly, turning back around.

"Why?"

"Because you aren't alone anymore." She said, smiling softly. I looked in the rear view mirror.

"Oh fuck!" I yelled, gripping the wheel tighter. "Seat belts guys… we're gonna need 'em." I said it slowly, like we were going to jump over a cliff or something. All five of us quickly hurried to put our belts on. The girls in the back held each others hands.

"You guys were my best friends." That started the awwwing and blah blah blah of the girls in the back seat. Kate gripped the dash board.

"I hope you know what you're doing Lillian." She said warningly. I looked over at her and giggled nervously.

"Do I _ever_ know what I'm doing?"

We looked at each other for a few seconds, and then I concentrated back on the road.

"Hold on tiiiiight." I took one hand off the steering wheel as a side street loomed ahead. Time for some fancy, hopefully no crashing, movie stunts with a very expensive car… that just so happened to be Carlisle's. "Please, if there is such thing as a god, please don't let me crash this car." As soon as I said that, the corner arrived and I slammed the car into neutral, pulled down on the steering wheel and pressed the breaks in hard at the same time. The back end of the car screeched across the road and as it almost flattened out into the 90 degree turn, I pushed the stick into drive and slammed on the gas. The car fish tailed slightly, but shot forward as it lined up, almost perfectly. The three girls in the back had started screaming and didn't let up. Kate just shut her eyes and started biting down on her lip.

"Babies." I chuckled, still nervous. "HEY! Keep a look out on the Cullens!"

The three in the back turned around and pressed their backs against the front seats, except Tara, who was in the middle and held on tightly to the back dash thing.

"Who's there?" I asked as I pulled the steering wheel down slightly and made a very quick turn. The three in the back leant slightly to the side and then went back into their normal positions.

"Alice. And unless this car can go any faster… Rosalie then Edward are behind her."

I chucked. "Oh, fun." I was actually, genuinely enjoying this.

Kate's face snapped up and she looked at me in disbelief. "You're enjoying this? AREN'T YOU?!"

I smiled guiltily. "As charged officer."

"You mean that one?" Kate asked as we zoomed past a side street where Charlie was coming out of.

"It's alright. He'll pull over Edward first." I chuckled evilly and slammed on the breaks, turning the wheel and putting us in neutral before hitting drive and pressing the gas again. The car didn't fish tail this time and I looked into the rear view mirror cockily. Alice wasn't far behind, but it took Rosalie a few seconds before I saw her turn as well. I turned left, then right, drifting out the two turns. We hit a straight for about 400 meters and then I drifted the turn onto the main road and took off again. Looking behind, it was only Alice's car behind me.

"Damn 911 turbos." I grumbled and hit a hard and sudden left. The car spun 180, which was 90 more than I wanted, but I pushed down the gas regardless and gave a little wave to Alice as we passed her. My four passengers all looked at me like I was Death himself. I looked over at them.

"What? Oh fine! I kidnapped you all." I rolled my eyes and looked in the rear view. Alice was behind us again, a few hundred meters back, but gaining. At the first left turn, I took it and did an immediate right, then left. Another right, a second right and a straight. At the end of the street, I turned right again, then left back onto a main road. The three in the back started screaming through the fast paced ditch efforts, and Kate started screaming for another reason as Emmett and Carlisle's cars blocked off my exit. I'd already started turning, so I pulled the wheel back viciously the other way and the wheels and brakes locked up, spinning the car 360 twice before stopping. I heard Alice's car and instantly slammed on the pedal, just as Carlisle and Emmett started to run towards the car. Fortunately, Carlisle's car went from about 0 to 70 in four seconds and we were off. The next exit consisted of Rosalie's car, alone, but parked over both the lanes. I banged on the steering wheel, trying to think through all of their screams. I nudged the gas pedal lower and it shot up to 130mph (or 130 kmph if you're an Australian, I'll keep it at 130). Rosalie scowled at me as she sat in her car and was ready to move it either forwards or backwards. I decided to go through the front. Now I had a very nice idea of how they were thinking. Instead of going by the front of her car, I skimmed by the rear and got onto the main road again, then lowered the gas pedal, zipping off before Rosalie could react.

The was no-one behind us as we hit the highway to head to the mall and the girls screaming had only dulled.

"For fuck sakes! Shut up! We're all alive aren't we?"

They stopped their screaming and started breathing heavily, the three in the back finally turning around, gripping their knees so they'd stop shaking. I giggled softly. "That was quite fun. Anyone up for round two?"

I got four punches in the arm. "Ow! Alright. No more Need For Speed."

Kate grabbed hold of the dashboard after punching me and I started at her with a raised eyebrow. "It wasn't _that_ scary."

"Says the one driving like a loon." KT spoke from the back seat.

"Babies." I muttered as I slowed the car down, entering into the town where the mall was situated. I had a niggling fear that one of the Cullens would suddenly zoom past and stop right in front of the car, but it never happened and we made it to the mall without further interruptions apart from the traffic lights. After parking and taking the keys out, Kate, KT, Kerri and Tara all practically leapt out of the car and started hugging the ground… except, Kate. She held onto a pole. I rolled my eyes, locked the car and started walking to the mall.

"HEY! Wait up!" They all shouted and ran up to me as the doors slid open. Our gateway to annoying the Cullens awaited us.

Inside, I took control instantly. "Now! We have about… ten to twenty minutes before the Cullens get here. Carlisle will make sure his car alright. Emmett, Rosalie and Esme will come in, split up and start scouting immediately. Edward will read people's minds and find us that way, he'll be with Bella, no doubt. And Alice will try and scope for what we're deciding on doing."

"How do you know all this?" Kate asked.

I tutted. "I've been shopping with them already… well, some of them, and I just know how they operate. Also, no doubt they'll be keeping in touch via phones. So if you're found, I suggest you fucking run like your life depends on it. If they catch us together, split the fuck up, and don't _try_ and find anyone else until you're 100% sure that they aren't following you anymore. Steer clear of elevators without windows, and don't, under _any_ circumstance, use the _fucking_ fire stairs."

"What if there's a fire?" Tara asked after a few seconds of silence.

"… Ok. _ONLY_ if there is a fire. Are we all ready?"

Four unanimous yeses.

"Excellent. Now, we need glitter spray, cake, streamers, balloons… anything else?"

"Condoms?" Everyone looked at Kerri with raised brows.

"… Yeah, ok. Them too. And lubricant. Strawberry if you can find it." I grinned mischievously.

"What about funny masks?"

"Wrestling gear?"

"Dumb and no. We're here to make fun of the Cullens, not friends…. I do need shoes and pants though…"

"What was your first clue?" Kate asked snidely, chuckling at my PJ pants. I scowled at her.

"Shut up about my PJ's."

"Hell no. This shit is getting passed around the school."

"Fine. Can we just go now? We have five to fifteen minutes to thoroughly hide in the crowd."

That got everyone moving and we started for the escalators immediately.

"How about that shop?" KT pointed at a party shop and we all looked at her, then smiled. Thank god we had someone here that could find the shops we needed seemingly instinctively.

"I AM GOING TO _**FUCKING **_KILL HER!" Came a very, VERY loud and exasperated shout from the doors we'd come through. I ducked and dragged the other four girls down. I felt a giggle trying to burst from my stomach and they all covered my mouth at the same time.

"You're dead meat."

"Do we run now?"

I bit my lip and put my own hands over my mouth, we were slowly running out of escalator. I started silently dissolving into hysterics but shook my head until I could get my giggling under control.

"Crawl… to the… to the next one… on the bottom floor… then we separate." I covered my mouth again and we all nodded at the same time. The escalator stopped there and we got onto our hands and knees and crawled around the barrier and got onto the next escalator. As soon as we were halfway down, I couldn't contain the giggles and one just popped out.

"LET ME THROUGH!"

I looked up to see Alice and Jasper's faces over the top escalator. Jasper was biting his lip so hard, but shaking so viciously at the same time, that I knew he was getting our vibes. Alice was glaring venomously at me and trying to push past the shoppers.

I couldn't contain it any longer and stood up, grabbing the side of the escalator and I erupted into a very huge fit of giggles.

"Next…. Level… separate." I managed to get out and the others stood up as well. I looked around at them, still giggling insanely. I pawned off one card to each of them.

"Just sign it… with Alice C… and remember… remember the list."

The third floor was coming up quickly and we all prepared to run our separate ways, except Kate and I.

I was going down, Tara and KT were going to split up on this level, Kerri was going to go back up, run to the end and make her way around from there and Kate was running with me.

As soon as the escalator ended, Tara and KT ran off with the warning not to plan anything, just do. Kerri turned around and started on the escalator back up, she was ducked down and hiding amongst peoples legs, and Kate and I ran around to the next down escalator. It was jam packed and as we got on, Jasper and Alice got off their escalator. Alice pointed to the direction Tara and KT had disappeared to and he started to jog off at a human speed. Alice was running slightly faster… over to us. I burst into giggles again but started to push through the customers while Kate held onto my shirts. We got to a spot about halfway down where there was no escape, so instead of pushing through, or running back up, because Alice was closing in now, I jumped onto the black belt thing and started to crawl along it. Kate let go of my shirt and followed the movement on the other side. She started cracking into giggles too.

As Kate and I passed through the stagnant wave of people, we ran down the rest of the escalator and I pushed her one way while I ran the other. It was split up time. We kept a good pace along the sides of the drop where the escalators kept going up or down. At the end, we turned at the same time and ran to the nearest escalator. I was going down, she was going back up. Wait. No! Jasper was on that level!

"KATE! HURRY UP AND GET DOWN HERE!"

Good thing I caught her early. She jumped down, ran the short gap and jumped down the stairs two at a time. As soon as she got to me, we started jumping down the three at a time, giggling like mad. Alice got on the escalator just as we hit the bottom and this time we did separate. We went the opposite ways than we had last time and I slipped as I turned too quickly. That, and I wasn't wearing any shoes. Kate started laughing so badly she turned around and ran back into the escalator as Alice was halfway down. I jumped up and she turned again, taking off one way while I ran the other way. Now the adrenaline was starting to pump through me. I took a quick chance look behind me and stopped. Alice wasn't behind me. She must have seen Kate as an easier and more readily available target and taken off. I just hoped Kate could get away quickly enough. Turning around, I was shocked when I ran into someone and fell backwards. I started crawling back hurriedly, thinking it was one of the Cullens, but stopped when I looked up and noticed the person looking at me strangely. The man shrugged and walked off. I stood back up again and started running to the end of the store.

As I reached the end, and the sliding doors, I turned around and saw Kerri running down the stairs, two at a time. She had a huge grin plastered on her face and was motioning for me to run. Apparently she couldn't speak. As soon as she reached the bottom, she turned sharply and started running. Emmett reached the top of the stairs and spotted me, a huge grin broke over his face and I almost doubled over laughing, but ran after Kerri. I came up alongside her shortly.

"Sorry… couldn't…. he found… me."

We both broke down into rapid giggling. There was a small water fountain in front of us and we split to run around it, either side. People everywhere were looking at us, but it didn't faze us in the slightest. We were having fun while being scared shitless.

"Escalator!" I yelled at Kerri and she looked at me.

"You or me?" She yelled back.

I just looked at her and narrowed my eyes, that meant her, and Emmett couldn't see. Kerri and I joined up right before the escalators to give him the sense that either one, or both of us was going to go up.

"Go up the down, then double back and run." I whispered before we got there.

"No way!"

"Just do it!" I whispered, more hurriedly. She didn't argue this time and as soon as we got to the escalators, I turned off and Kerri started jumping up the down stairs, trying her hardest not to laugh, and failing. I burst into laughter too, but kept running.

Halfway down the mall, I thought I saw Rosalie up ahead and quickly ducked into a perfume store. I walked all the way to the back before a shop assistant came up, smiling.

"Can I help you there?"

I looked towards the door, agitatedly, if any of the Cullens came in here, I was trapped… with glass bottles all around me.

"Umm… can I just… get a whole bunch of testers… and cover my scent?"

The sales assistant frowned slightly.

"We have a large range of perfume with testers, just in case you don't like the smell."

"Umm… yeah, cool. Thanks. I'm alright now." I looked up at the door again and saw Kerri run past, followed shortly by Emmett.

The sales assistant smiled and walked off and I grabbed the nearest tester and sprayed it on my wrist before sniffing it. I felt repulsed by the smell… and started to spray it everywhere. I did this with several different bottles till I was almost high from the scent, then walked out. I looked left, then right. Right was bad. Right had Esme. And she wasn't good, nice, motherly Esme. She was: Carlisle-wants-to-kill-you-Esme, and that was bad for me. But she kept up appearances better than the others did. She started walking at first. Probably thinking just by the fact that she was usually nice that I'd find a safe haven with her… HAHAHA! Not likely! I took off left. That's when she started running.

There seemed to be this unspoken rule that if you were being chased by a Cullen, you don't enter a store… maybe that was common sense. But it started me wondering if any of the others had been captured yet, and if not, where were they? We didn't have a form of communication, they did. It was almost like a failing battle. But, I was hard headed and wasn't about to quit. Besides, who knew if any of the others had any items from the list yet? I slowed down until Esme was about ten meters behind me, then turned sharply and started running up the escalator two stairs at a time. Esme didn't bother going quite to that extreme, after all, she wasn't running from anyone. As soon as I reached the top, I stopped for a quick second, feeling the burn in my legs.

"Why do you all have to run?" Esme said, getting closer. I turned around for a second, breathing heavily.

"Exercise," I grinned and took off again, up the next set of escalators. At the top, I performed a very Captain Jack Sparrow move before I turned and ran left. I looked to my right and saw Carlisle chasing KT. She was cacking with laughter as he was forced to maintain a human pace. I turned back and on the other side, going the other way, I saw Alice chasing Tara… wow. This was just AMAZING-ly hilarious! Esme finally got to the top of the escalators and turned towards me. I grinned and stepped back before turning and running in the same direction, on the opposite side, that Alice and Tara were going.

Up ahead, Tara turned to go my way and I stopped dead. Esme was almost right behind me and soon Tara was right next to me. She grabbed onto my arm and I yanked away as I started running and we split around Esme. Back at the escalators, I turned as Tara kept running. Alice and Esme decided to switch people and I ran harder. Alice wasn't afraid of going over the boundary of human-vampire running. She did, however, know not to go _too_ fast in case a human thought something was just a liiiittle too iffy about the whole "Why is she running that fast?", thing. But it was alright, since Alice couldn't gain any ground on her stumpy little pixie legs, I just had to make sure I didn't trip.

As I got to the next set of escalators, Kate launched herself down from one floor above and grabbed the end of the black thing, spun around, grabbed hold of my elbow and caused us to tumble slightly down the next set of escalators. I started laughing at the same time she did and we pushed each other twice before we looked up and saw Alice and Jasper standing on the stairs, holding hands.

"Aren't you supposed to be chasing us? Cuz there's a supply closest over there."

WHAT! Why is that every time I mention something, Jasper wants to do it… I don't care, it gave Kate and I an escape. As soon as we hit the floor, we took off in the same direction and looked behind us as Alice and Jasper silently slunk down one of the side walk things. Kate and I looked at each other and grimaced.

"Gross." We said at the same time.

"Let's go and get this stuff. Who knows when we'll get another chance."

"Yeah."

Since we were on the bottom floor already, we just had to run back to the party shop, and shop! Before ten minutes was up, we had more than what we needed of what we had planned on getting, and more than enough of what we hadn't. There was at least thirty bags between us.

"Condoms and lubricant." I said slowly, remembering the last thing we needed. Kate started laughing.

"This looks like one hell of a party."

"Well, the pharmacy is right there." Kate and I grinned at each other and walked in. Five minutes later, and again, more stuff, we were now sharing about forty bags between us.

"Car." I struggled and Kate nodded. We had enough bags just to hide us, but I managed to pull out two wigs anyway and stuck them on each of our heads. I had a long black one, she had a long blonde one. Going up, we saw Kerri running down followed closely by Carlisle. Neither of them seemed to notice us and we low fived as we switched escalators. We did this the whole way up, not seeing anyone of the people we knew, but seeing the Cullens an awesome lot. They looked at us sometimes, and then we had to duck down and pretend we were looking for something so they didn't see us smiling like idiots.

When we finally reached the top, we saw Esme and Jasper talking for a few seconds before they split off. We looked at each other and I made a retching sound before we walked out of the doors, laughing, and dumped the bags, and the wigs, into Carlisle's boot.

**I took a Mary-Sue Litmus test for Lillian. The score was 15 points!!**

**"0-16 points**

**Most likely Not-Sue. Characters at this level could probably take a little spicing up without hurting them any." So, anyone out there that is thinking Lillian is a Mary, get fucked. Mmkay? I took the test, I'm in the cleeeeear! :D**

**On that, who wants Lillian spiced up anyway? She's fucking awesome!**

**AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! OMFG! LMFAO! AHAHAHAHAHAH! PMSL! I just HAD to do a Litmus test for Bella. Her score came out to 124 points.**

**"50+**

**Kill it dead."**

**That mean we get to kill it dead, like, 3 times?**

**LMFAO! OMG! *crawls into a corner and dies laughing because I laugh up my internal organs***

**That's a whole 109 point difference between Lillian and Bella... WTF STEPHANIE MEYER! MARY-SUE! MARY-SUE! Hands up if you **_**didn't**_** think Bella was a Sue from the start? DON'T LIE! ... and review, flaming me, if you STILL think Bella is a good, sweet, perfect character. Because *snortgiggle* She IS one... because that's the defintion of a Mary-SUE! LMFAO! XD**

**That's going to keep me entertained for days.**

Anyway, I hate splitting this chapter up, but it was seven pages on word and I figured I couldn't just let it continue. AND! I need to keep you fuckers in suspense lmao... nah, I love you all. But it was getting too long for my liking... I still don't like splitting it though, it makes me feel **nauseous.**

**Happy reading.**


	19. Mayhem at the mall PART 2

Disclaimer: **VIVAAAAAA LAS VEGAS!**

Edward: Oh god, help us all.

Carlisle: Nice to see you've finally started believing in God Edward.

Edward: I haven't, but I've got visible… and audible, proof that _hell_ exists.

**-continues signing-**

Carlisle: JASPER!

Jasper: Hey Lillian, Alice has cookies.

**-singing is instantly cuts off- COOKIES!**

Jasper: -smirk-

Edward: …-awestruck-

Jasper: Just have to find the right trigger. Sugar usually works.

**I 'on't owm fifight.**

Edward: Translated: I don't own Twilight.

**-throws a cookie at Edwards head-**

**C/A: Stupid last chapter. Sorry for my ranting, I was kinda bored. And I found out why the emails didn't work. Let's try that bit again!**

**Yahoo: isnortsugar[at]rocketmail[dot]com**

**Hotmail: isnortsugar[at]hotmail[dot]com**

**Twitter: ISnortSugar**

**Myspace: myspace[dot]com/lillianmeetsworld**

**Facebook: Search for Lillian Actress**

**Just substitute the [at] with the at symbol and the [dot] with a '.' … dot.**

Chapter 17.2: Mayhem at the mall PART 2

Kate and I walked back into the mall, ready. We hadn't left everything in the bags, and I still hadn't had all my fun yet. I looked at Kate on my right and started laughing. She kept a straight face and kept looking ahead. I doubled over in my laughter. Kate finally looked down at me and frowned, I straightened up instantly and looked around like a commando surveying his territory, or scouting for a new one.

"When is this going to end?" Kate asked, clearly getting bored.

"When the war is over."

Kate sighed and I looked over at her.  
"What?"

"The 'war' is never going to end so long as _you're_ here."

I pondered on that for a moment and then shrugged. I couldn't argue with it, because I knew it was true. I loved annoying the Cullens WAAAAAY too much to ever let up while I was still here. I wondered if I was ever going back. That would be great, but being here, pissing off the Cullens in every way I could think of, and having the means to do so, that was way better than sitting in a class room studying ANYTHING. I got bored of thinking very quickly and tugged at Kate's shirt.

"Come on. We've got to get the gang back."

Kate followed for a few steps before she grabbed the back of my shirt and dragged be into a small hiding place.

"Cullens?"

"Yep."

I tried looking for them, and found them instantly. People all around them were avoiding the god-like creatures of the supposed-to-be night, but still looking at them with awe and in some cases, jealousy. Edward looked kind of anguished and I snickered before his head snapped around and looked at Kate and I hiding.

"Why? Why the fuck do you always have to laugh?"

"It's funny?"

"Just run!"

Kate and I turned and started running, the Cullens still had to keep a human distance. Emmett and Jasper had a little more leeway on their running speed because Emmett was just buff and Jasper looked like a runner. Kate and I, we looked nothing like runners, and we were so far from looking buff it wasn't funny, which meant we were left with our current speed, and our good evading tactics…well, I knew _I_ had good evading tactics in any case. What was that saying? I don't have to be faster than the bear, I just have to be faster than you. That applied here didn't it? Emmett was almost like a bear… cover him in thick brown hair and make him growl and he could probably be sold off to a zoo.

Behind us, Edward's laughter rang out over the top of the mall like bells and music and beauty all at once, but it was so loud and overwhelming that he was doubled over with human pain and laughing. Running while laughing that hard would draw attention to him… well, more attention. Either way, it got rid of one of the Cullens. Yay!

"What… happened?" Kate asked between running.

"Emmett… and a zoo."

Even Kate started laughing, and behind us, Bella's laughter rang out next. I stole a quick glance back and saw that some of them were biting their lips, keeping their laughter bottled in.

"Won't take much… before they all… start laughing."

Kate was trying to keep in giggles now and I grabbed her hand, turning onto the stairs quickly and jumping down them two or three at a time. Kate followed suit. At the bottom, there was a large fountain. I looked right, then left.

"Split up?"

We both looked up at the top of the stairs, then quickly at each other.

"No! I don't want to get caught!" Kate yelled and pushed me left, we started running. Alice, being the awesome (sometimes) pixie that she was, found a quicker way down… using the hand rail, and her bum. I glanced a look and put on a shocked face.

"Why didn't we think of that?"

"We'd have fallen off."

That's probably true. I wasn't very coordinated on things like hand rails, but very coordinated on my feet.

"Where are the others?"

"Don't know. Just run!"

As we neared a new set of elevators, I pushed Kate towards the going down stairs, and took the ones coming back up. Thankfully, they were clear, so no-one got in the way of my descent. Kate, as I'd imagined, made it down before I did. She stopped and started to wait for me, until the Cullens ran down the down and I jumped to the side, hitting the part away from them.

"RUN KATE! I'll be fine!"

Kate didn't need telling twice, but Alice stopped beside me and looked back up.

"Think again human." Then she ran off too. I looked up and saw Carlisle standing at the top, waiting like a wolf ready to attack a rabbit, his arms were folded. I started running down the stairs again only to realize that Esme was standing there, not even bothering to start coming up. They figured me trapped anyway. I started whimpering as I continued jumping down the stairs, but keeping somewhat in the middle.

"No-where to run. No-one to run to. Two of your other friends vanished. Edward has the other now."

Oh fuck. Didn't I tell them not to stop? To always keep running… idiots. I still had only two choices, Esme or Carlisle. If I kept it too long, Esme would start too… I'd kept it too long. Esme stood onto the bottom stair and waited patiently as it brought her closer to me. Carlisle started pacing like that same wolf was held back from his rabbit by a wolf-proof fence, but like that rabbit was being herded to him and he could almost taste it. My blood started pumping more quickly as Esme got closer. I looked over to the other escalator and an idea sprung to mind, sprung so quickly I was up on the black belt and not even thinking before I leapt onto the other escalator and pressed my back against the glass, out of arms reach of Esme. But, now that the rabbit had found a hole, the wolf had followed it. Fucking animal references. My brain told me to run, quickly, and I did. I got three quarters the way down before Carlisle spun me around. I grabbed the can out of my pocket that I'd gotten from the party bag and sprayed it at Carlisle's hand. He was put off for a moment and let go off me, giving me enough time to run again. Who knew the rabbit had so many tricks?

It didn't take Carlisle long to come back to his senses and he picked up speed again, Esme trailing quickly behind. As I turned around, I saw Emmett holding Kate in a vice. Edward had KT. I started running towards them anyway, even though Jasper and Alice stood with Edward, and Bella, Rose and Emmett stood on the other side. Maybe I could get one of them to let Kate or KT go… fat chance, but worth a try. Emmett and Co stood on the opposite side, so I feigned going to Alice, even decided to jump into Alice's arms. She tensed, but as soon as I got near them, I skidded on the floor, misjudged and went gliding right into Jasper's feet.

"ARGH! THE BOGIE MAN HAS ME!" I scrambled to get a purchase on the floor, but failed more miserably than epic failing. Jasper didn't even bother to bend down and grab me. Too bad he should have.

I finally got a good grip on the floor and pushed off it, out of Jasper's arms reach in seconds and headed over to Emmett. Bella was so nice, Emmett was holding onto Kate and Rose didn't like humans. Why hadn't I gone this way first? It would have been so much easier. Unfortunately, the vampires didn't have to be so careful here and Jasper was in front of me in seconds and reached out to grab me. The can was still firmly in my hand, and I only realized I still had it then. I lifted it and sprayed it at Jasper for the seconds we were stationary.

"Hey, now your eyes glitter too." I smiled and ducked around him, heading for Emmett. If he went to let go of Kate, maybe we could both escape. Not even! I made it within three steps of Emmett when Carlisle crashed into me and took us both down (**A/N: Imagine it as like what Edward looked like in the movie bringing the deer down… funny image for me anyway)**. Looks like the wolf finally tackled the rabbit. Good thing he wasn't angry enough to kill me… yet, and kept me caged against him so I didn't break. I screamed in glee, which contrasted horribly with the fear pumping through me. The wolf had caught me! My head! I wanted to keep it. It kinda meant I stayed alive. I squirmed against Carlisle's iron-like grip, but all I _could_ do was squirm.

"NO! DON'T EAT ME! I'M SORRY!"  
"Not yet you aren't." He growled into my ear. It was dangerous… yet, oddly arousing. A shiver ran through my spine.

"Carlisle. You're old enough to be my daddy! Besides, you're married!" I said, sounded shocked. Retarded till the end!

Edward started chuckling. At least I cold make someone laugh, because Carlisle sure as hell didn't find it funny! Emmett was laughing though… but he was always laughing. You just had to trip and _he_ was laughing.

"OI! Douche rags!" A new yell, but very familiar to the humans, sounded from the elevator a few meters away. KT, Kate and I all cheered, the Cullens all spun to look at the new person. That also meant Carlisle spun… 180... At vampire speed. I felt bile rise up in my throat and choked it back down as the quick speed started to settle.

"Not another one! Is this her twin?!"

The Cullens all looked at Alice with pain and fear stricken faces.

"If that's her twin I'm _killing _her!"

"NO! I DON'T HAVE A TWIN! I SWEAR TO GOD I DON'T HAVE A TWIN!"I screamed. "But she is my friend." I added on, more calmly. That didn't seem to ease their minds. I looked at the new comer. "And thanks for stealing my fucking line!"

"No problems. Isn't that what I'm here for?"

"Well it certainly isn't for swine flu." I retorted.

Hayley started laughing a little. "What the fuck are you doing here with them?" At 'them', she indicated the Cullens. "More importantly, what the fuck am _I_ doing here?"

"Worms holes? Kerri and Tara were here too. Now it's just us… and you! And umm… are you here to help me?"

"Worm holes?"

"A little _help_."

Carlisle's grip on me tightened.

"Depends on what you did."

All of the Cullens started talking at once, retelling everything from their own personal views.

"FUCK UP YOU SPARKLY FREAKS!" Hayley yelled. Kate and I burst into uncontrolled laughter as the Cullens stopped talking at once.

"Lillian?"

"I came here. Then I ruined Alice's wardrobe. Did something else. Started calling Edward gay. Hid Ro-… something. Sugar highs. A week with the wolves… ummm... Oh yeah! And I stole Carlisle's car and went on a Need For Speed/ Grand Theft Auto joy ride with Kate, Kerri, Tara and KT."

"Seems like you had fun."

"Exponential amounts."

"Well… I have some of your stuff. I don't know how I got it." Hayley held up the three things most dear to me in my life. My wallet, my iPod and my hiptop. I screamed loudly and started fidgeting so frantically in Carlisle's arms that he dropped me. I fell onto the floor, dropped the can of glitter spray and launched myself at Hayley, hanging onto her tightly while almost crying. My stuff! My precious, gorgeous, beautiful stuff! I'd never need to annoy the Cullens again… I had music! And… and my phone! And… why did I even like my wallet? Whatever. I had my wallet too! It was better than warm socks at midday! It was better than… glitter spraying the Cullens! It was better than stealing Carlisle's car and not crashing it!!!! I traded hugging Hayley, for hugging my things before Carlisle walked over and narrowed his eyes at Hayley. She looked back up at him totally unfrazzled by him.

"Do you have a staring problem? Because I know how you can fix that?"

"Who exactly are you?"

Some of Carlisle's anger at me seemed to have dissipated.

"I'm Hayley. And you're ugly."

Carlisle's eyes widened and he raised an eyebrow.

"Excuse me?"

"Lillian, you pick some weird friends."

I looked up at Hayley and giggled.

"They aren't my friends. I piss them off too much."

"You piss us all off." Hayley retorted, which received laughter from everyone.

"Well, since you're here now, let's have some fun!"

At that, Carlisle spun me around and glared at me.

"You're grounded."

I raised an eyebrow for a second before I started laughing.

"You can't ground me. You aren't _my_ dad."

Carlisle didn't look put off at all and I shrunk back.

"Appears I'm not the only evil one."

Carlisle just smiled. "You have two days until it starts."

I looked at Kate, then KT, then at Hayley. Yeah, two days was plenty of time. And who knew, they could even join me in my "grounding".

"Sounds like fun." I beamed.

Carlisle smiled too. Ok, that was a bad sign.

"Well is that it?" It couldn't be something too bad, Carlisle was the second nicest vampire here.

Carlisle chuckled darkly and smirked. _Now_ I was scared.

**Hmmm… I was considering going further, but that seemed a good a place as any to stop.**

**More people liked the last chapter than any other chapter besides the first one… Yay! I love appeasing random people!**

**Little piece of trival for all of you ISnortSugar fans out there (now you're fans. Yep. Cuz you've read **_**this**_** far): The very first thing I think when I wake up is "I should put some pants on."**

**:D**

**Happy reading!**


	20. Wow, you're hard as stone

Disclaimer: ** Apples. And I really liked writing this chapter.**

Rosalie: JUST SAY YOU DON'T OWN IT! THEN WE DON'T HAVE TO INTERVENE!

**But I like you in my disclaimers.**

Rosalie: ... you- you do?

**Yes. It makes the whole thing interesting.**

Bella: Are you serious? You actually like us?

**Don't get ahead of yourself. Only in the disclaimer.**

Esme: Why?

**Because, it makes it all funnier and people are probably already laughing, so when I say something stupid in the first line, it's even funnier.**

Carlisle: That's fair logic.

Edward: Yeah. For someone who continuously asks, says, and does stupid things, you're actually pretty smart Lillian.

**Thanks, that makes me feel a lot better!**

Jacob: It should

**Shut up dumbass. Everyone knows Jasper is better than you!**

Jacob: Don't you mean Edward?

**THIS DISCLAIMER IT THE LONGEST! I HATE YOU ALL! NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY DISCLAIMER!**

**C/A: Sorry it's taken me so long to bring out this chapter. It's been a pretty hectic time for me lately and I haven't been able to get in any time at the library. School holidays are coming up soon so that should change that. Anyway: ON WITH THE STORY!**

Chapter 18: Wow, you're hard as stone

Trapped. In a chair. Why did I have to think about duct tape in the car with Edward? WHY! Hayley was watching me.

"For the, like, bajillionth time, can you get me out of here?" I asked, trying to struggle against the multitude of layers wrapped around my wrists and ankles. The Cullens didn't go half way.

"Hell no. I think this is actually quite fitting. What can be worse for you than-"  
"FINE! I'LL DO IT MYSELF!"

Hayley smirked. I learnt after the fifth time of asking her that if I let her talk, she'd only side with the Cullens, and after the first time of trying to help me, she learnt not to help me. Rosalie had run in, threatened to tie her down and left. Dumb blonde. Edward had told her where I hid all her brushes too.

"I want to know what... what's the blonde guy called again?"

"Jasper?"

"No, not the emo one. The other one."

"Carlisle."

"Yeah. I want to see what his idea of grounding you is. That'll be awesome! How does a vampire ground a human anyway?"

"Knowing all the stuff I've done to them already, they're probably just going to leave me tied up here until my ARMS FALL OFF!"

Hayley started laughing. I didn't think it was funny at all. I'd gotten pins and needles about an hour ago and it had stopped, now I just couldn't feel them. I suppose that wasn't so bad. KT walked in and looked from Hayley to me, giggling again. She'd been doing this for the last half hour, walking in, giggling, then walking out again. I found it oh so not funny. Have I mentioned that yet? I pretended to cry.

"I'm so boooooooooored!"

Carlisle stepped into the room just as KT walked out, laughing like a Mad Hatter. I looked at Carlisle and glared. He smiled serenely. Bitch.

"How are you enjoying your solitary?"

"It's not solitary. Hayley is here." I rolled my eyes and looked away from him. He appeared in front of me. I turned away again.

"I'm not looking at you. I'm giving you: Silent Treatment."

"You couldn't give a house full of _air _silent treatment, let alone me."

I clenched my jaw, and my neck, fighting my natural temperament. Which was to look at him, glare, and then kick him in the shins. The latter of which would be physically impossible since he'd tied my legs to the chair. Carlisle seemed to find that highly amusing because he started laughing.

"Grumble grumble… fucking vampires… grumble grumble."

"What was that?" Carlisle asked, sitting down next to me. I looked at Hayley.

"Hayley, please inform the infidel that I am not talking to him."

"Do you know what an infidel is?"

Hayley didn't say anything. No-one did for a few minutes.

"Hayley!"

"I think that's a no, Carlisle."

"An infidel is someone that doesn't believe in your god. You told Esme, Alice and Rose that you don't believe in a god."

"Hayley, tell the _infidel_, that I most certainly believe in cupcakes!"

Carlisle started laughing and I couldn't help it. I glared at him.

"See, house full of air."

I huffed and looked away. Stupid vampires. _I_ was supposed to be annoying _them_. Not the other way around! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!

"The shopping mall." Edward paused in the dining room before he buzz spoke something to Carlisle and ran off again.

"You all wait… you have to let me out sooner or later… and then… you wait… grumble grumble."

Hayley started laughing before she stood up and let.

"Have fun Lillian."

"NOOOOOOOOOO! HAYLEY! COME BACK! I'M SORRY ABOUT THE NODDLE THING!"

Hayley stopped at the door and looked back at me, raising an eyebrow.

"The noodle thing?"

"Never mind. Just leave me here to wallow in my own self-pity with the infidel." I looked down at my knees glumly. Nothing happened for a few seconds.

"Alright. Have fun." Hayley said before she walked out. I looked up at the spot where she'd been with an open mouth. My ally! My… traitor.  
"So, want to talk yet?"

"House full of air… I'll show that infidel… silent treatment… grumble grumble… KOPIKO!"

Carlisle seemed unfazed by my stop and start muttering. Damn unfazable vampire. Why did he have to be nearly 400 years old?

"Want to hear how I've decided to ground you?"

I said nothing, instead, preferring to look at the wall on the opposite side of the room. Hey, was that a crack? Maybe Edward practiced the lunch room thing in here. What a loser.

"SHUT UP LILLIAN!" Edward screamed from the other room. I smirked. Still able to piss off at least one vampire.

"Charlie."

I twitched. That stupid fucking unicorn thing, again? Why couldn't the white funny thing just die already?

"And school."

That one got my attention. I spun, a little too quickly, to look at Carlisle. But instead of seeing Carlisle, I saw the roof, and then the edge of the door frame as the chair tilted and fell. I blacked out for a few minutes before I felt someone tipping water on my face and I spluttered.

"Wh-wh-what's… the sky is falling!"

"Lillian? Are you ok?"

"Of course I believe in dragons!"

Carlisle looked up at Hayley quizzically.

"That's a new one. What did you tell her?"

"Where do babies come from, Carlisle?"

Hayley started laughing and Carlisle looked perplexed.

"You got yourself into _this one _vampire. I'm sure you can get yourself out of it too."

"And what exactly are you going to do?"

"PINEAPPLES CAN'T COPULATE WITH TREES!"

Hayley burst out laughing for a moment, then stopped suddenly and looked at Carlisle with a dead serious face. "I'm going to watch."

"Oh for God's sake." Carlisle ran a hand down his face exhaustedly. I jumped up and ran out of the door.

"CARLISLE HAS FACE MONKEYS!"

Carlisle and Hayley were out of the room Carlisle had taken me to in seconds. Hayley was holding her stomach. Carlisle ran and tried to tackle me. I love the Cullen's staircase. With it's polished hand rails. I was halfway down before Carlisle stopped at the top of the stairs.

"LILLIAN!"

Oh crap-tastic! Emmett and Jasper stood at the bottom of the stairs. Always calling the cavalry. I started laughing. Jasper was a Confederate. My laughter lapsed into out of control giggling as I fell off the end of the rail.

"At least she isn't in your uniform this time." Emmett commented and I burst back into laughter again.

"THE UNION ARE BACK!" I screamed and pointed to Rosalie, who'd just walked in. Jasper flinched and stepped back into Emmett. Rosalie looked confused. I ran.

"YOU'LL NEVER FIND THE PEANUT BUTTER!" I scream, sliding around the corner of the hallway and into the living room. I ran for the couch and dove over it just as the Cullens, Hayley, Kate and KT all rounded the corner.

"WHAT THE HELL CARLISLE! Can't you fix her?" Kate yelled at Carlisle and went to punch him on the shoulder, she thought better of it and dropped her hand.

"I _could_ if she'd stop moving."

"Lillian, want a cookie?"

I jumped up and peered over the couch. "Who's got cookies?"

"We have cookies. But we need you to settle down for a minute."

I chewed my lip for a moment before I started laughing. "When was the last time you saw me "settle down"?" I asked, seriously.

Kate, Hayley and KT all looked at each other, then shrugged.

"Sorry Cullen, you're fucked." Kate walked into the living room and sat down, Hayley walked off somewhere and KT walked the other way. Hayley came back a few seconds later with my blankie.

"Will you calm down for the blankie?"

I squee'd and reached for my blankie. Hayley gave it to me. Awww... my blankie was back. My lovely, lovely blankie. Carlisle looked at Hayley for a second with an expression very similar to adoration. That wasn't fair, I was the one that outrun them all for the most part… even if we were in a shopping center.

Carlisle knelt down in front of me and I hid in my blankie.

"Not comin' out."

"Lillian, I need to make sure you didn't cause yourself brain damage."

"Not like she doesn't have some anyway." Kate said from her vantage point on the couch on the opposite side of the room.

I peeked out through the blanket and glared at Kate. "That's not funny."

"Not to you it isn't. But then again, who's the one that's afraid of the Cullens."

I threw the blanket off and stared at Carlisle. I was not, in any way, afraid of the Cullens! … maybe Alice… and Rosalie when I hid her hairbrushes… and Jasper when we were on the roof… but that was it! Well, ok, Carlisle at the escalator too. But _that_ was it. Edward was too much of a girl to scare anyone-

"Hey!"

Bella was just… well, a freak of all sorts of natures, alternate realities and universes.

"HEY!"

Renesmee was a super growing demon spawn freak bred from a vampire and a human who loves a werewolf and would one day give him freaky tri-bred vamp-human-wolf children-

"SHUT UP LILLIAN! I DO NOT WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU!"

"Gee Edward, cut out the violence! This is a house of happiness!" I threw a cushion at him, which he dodged, and looked back at Carlisle, who had since produced a small flashlight.

"Just keep looking at me."

Carlisle flicked the light across my eyes and I frowned slightly. "What are you trying to do? Blind me?"

Carlisle sighed, stood up and looked at Kate and Hayley. "She's fine. Minor concussion."

Edward disappeared and I glared at Carlisle.

"Minor concussion, perfectly fine patient is _right here_, Dr. Stupid." I waved my hands in the air for emphasis.

Carlisle, Hayley and Kate all looked at me. What did they think I was? Mentally defunct? I don't bloody think so! But that's okay, I have the attention span of a goldfish, but the revenge capacity of a black hole. I'd get back at them. It was how karma seemed to work here. I make fun of them, I laugh, all is good. Back to Doctor Hotty-pants and the friends from hell.

"You're cute, but kinda dumb. Why not talk to the patient? Shouldn't it be something _they_ should know? I'm not _seven_!"

"You act it."

"Oooh. Nice come back!" Hayley mocked Carlisle before I got a chance to, but it was funny. I giggled a little.

"This is why I keep midgets as friends."

"This is why your midget friends leave you tied to chairs."

I looked at Hayley with mock confusion. "What did I do?"

"Midget."

"I'm not a midget!"

"No, you're a fucking giant!" Hayley snorted and stood up, flicked on the TV and sat back down again. Kate changed the channel to something about wrestling and Emmett and Jasper suddenly appeared and sat down as Kate and Hayley sat on their knees in front of the screen.

"Well, I'll be peein' ya."

"What?" Carlisle had turned from the TV back to me. I was had my knees drawn together in a very Time-Warpesque fashion and was bouncing slightly.

"Are you alright?"

"I am not using a tree."

**Ooooooh! Ok, that explained several things. 1) My friends are mean to me because I tease them about being short… except Kate because she'd probably punch me.**

…

**Actually, that was pretty much it.**

**I FINALLY GOT BATTERIES FOR MY KEYBOARD AND MOUSE SO CHAPTERS SHOULD BE COMING OUT QUICKER! Don't forget to follow me on Twitter: ISnortSugar.**

**Yeah, cuz that's soooo hard to find. Just be sure to put ** in your swear words or the dreaded SWEAR_BOT will get you!**

**Oh! And to anyone reading this from Twitter: THANK YOU SO MUCH AliceVamp4ever!!!! I love you my precious Canadian stalker.**

**If you are one of the cast: HAHAHAH! Don't you love the situations I've put your characters in? Well, if you don't, I don't really give a fuck.**

**Happy reading.**


	21. A condescending manner

Disclaimer: **Mmhmm. Wasn't chapter 17 loooooong?**

Rosalie: Not as long as your internal organs will be if you don't disclaim properly.

**Bitch. I don't own.**

Rosalie: -huffs and walks off-

**She's just ragging because I can drive a car like that in real life… I'd just do it without people, without houses, and with myself wrapped in bubble wrap in a car that can't tip over :D**

Rosalie: -peers around the corner and glares-

**I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!**

**C/A: I was given a few good ideas for little bits of stuff to do, and one of them I won't do because it makes me feel weird thinking about writing it, and I really don't want to act it out. HAHA! Freedom as the creative writer, scriptwriter, and director allow me more freedom! YAY! I think I'm getting the hang of it.**

**Anyway: Thank you Tahnee for your idea, and as much as it made me almost urinate in my pants, I think we'll just laugh about it at the store.**

**AliceVampire: My stalker, fan, reviewer, idea bunny, Twitter friend and other type of friend stuff: Remember what we talked about in the PM's? Oh yeah! That's right. ;P**

Chapter 19: A condescending manner

"What are you talking about, Lillian?" Carlisle had turned all his attention to me and Emmett threw me a dirty look before turning back to the TV. Hayley and Kate were suppressing laughter, I could tell from their bunched muscles.

"Could use out… no. Not a bitch. Could use the sink…." I looked towards the kitchen and bit my lip, my face furrowed in a slight panic. It wasn't going to wait. Nature had a way of making itself known whenever it damn well pleased.

"They wouldn't have one." I looked back at Carlisle and poked my tongue out slightly in a thoughtful manner.

"What is wrong?" Carlisle asked, getting ready to stand up. I held up a hand quickly.

"DON'T MOVE!"

I ran out of the room.

Carlisle's POV

One minute the girl was fine. The next, she was plotting. And then, she just turned into an outright lunatic. Alice would have looked pretty much normal compared to her in her human life. Seeing visions of the future was nothing compared to the insanity that seemed to be breeding like wildfire in Lillian's mind. The current situation only proved it. Perhaps her concussion ran a lot deeper than what I thought it had, I should probably take her to the hospital and get her a brain scan.

Rosalie's POV

That vile, vile, VILE human child. Even _with_ vampire speed it still took me an hour to find all my brushes, and Edward wasn't exactly a great help. Finally the last one! Now I can put in my vanity, lock it, lock the bedroom door and…

Living Room

"WHAT THE FUCK! ESME!"

"SHUT UP ROSALIE! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"

The sound of a tap running drifted into the living room along with the screaming match between Lillian and Rosalie. The three vampires and two humans all looked at the door, the TV momentarily forgotten until Hayley laughed and turned back to the TV, followed shortly by Kate.

"NOT YOUR FAULT!? EVERYTHING IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT!"

"I CAN'T CONTROL NATURE WHORESALIE!"

Within moments of that last scream, Lillian dove into the living room, zipped up the zipper on a new pair of jeans and tried to hide behind Emmett.

Rosalie followed her in, she looked livid.

Lillian's POV

Oh god! I was going to die. What the fuck was her problem anyway? Didn't she understand human needs? No, that's right, I forgot, she'd a vaaaaaampire, she doesn't _have_ human needs.

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE LAUNDRY IS!"

I peered over the couch behind Emmett's shoulder. She surely wouldn't risk hitting her own husband just to get to me. I mean, it's not my fault I didn't know where the laundry was… but it was good fortune that a pair of jeans happened to be laying across the counter… Alice, she knew… She had to have known!

"And it's not our fault you can't hold it in!"

"Well I certainly wasn't going to use a tree!"

"ROSALIE! LILLIAN!" Carlisle was standing now, probably wanting to know exactly what the problem was. "If you two are going to continue to bicker, I'm going to send you, Lillian, to Charlie's house."

"Oooh. Such a vicious threat Carlisle. Charlie would have me back here in half an hour."

"I honestly don't doubt it." I think he meant to mumble that, but he said it loud enough that Kate and Hayley at the same time rolled over laughing, holding their sides, and I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Don't give me that look. Now, what's going on?"

"She can't hold it in!" Rose yelled instantly. Emmett looked back at me before he started laughing.

"I'm _still_ holding it in!" I yelled, holding my legs tightly closed.

Emmett and Jasper jumped off the couch and were on the other side of the room in moments, Hayley and Kate had evolved from vocal laughing, to that kind when you're trying to breath, laugh and not die at the same time, their faces were red from the effort.

"It's not funny! I _reeeeeeally_ gotta go and I don't know where the toilet is and if you hold it in it comes out and I couldn't help it… then I didn't know where the laundry was so I took my pants off and put them in the sink and turned on the water and Rosalie came in and stopped me. WHAT A BITCH!"

Carlisle looked from me, to Rosalie, then back at me. "Third door on the right. Rose, explain."

I missed Rosalie's explanation as I bolted out of the room and followed Carlisle's directions. It was like a room on it's own. There was even enough space to put a bed! But I wasn't interested in the space.

…

…

…

Now that was refreshing. I walked out of the bathroom, wiping my hands on the jeans and headed back for the living room to see what had elapsed since I left. Rosalie and Hayley had left, but the others were still there. Well, time for some fun! I rubbed my hands together eagerly before I put them over my stomach protectively and put on a face of pain.

"Caaaarlisle! I don't feel so good."

Carlisle turned around and looked at me, and my slightly hunched position and I had to fight to keep in the laugh. His pretty face didn't look at all fazed, but I figured he was matching "not feeling good" with several diagnosis's. One of them probably being 'Intense schizophrenia with a compulsion to be over dramatic, annoying and a general pain in the ass'. Good thing he could only admit me for _one_ of those.

"Does it hurt?"

Oh shit. I probably should have thought of this before hand, but I was an actress! Time to improvise with what I knew. I nodded glumly and he turned to follow me as I sat down on a couch.

"Where?"

What was with all the fucking questions! "Here." I moaned painfully as I tapped the part of the body just under the stomach. Carlisle seemed to pale slightly, but who knew, it could have been the lighting. His brow furrowed for a moment and I took the time to quickly run through what I knew about my 'condition'. Cramping… that was the one I knew most about… what else, what else! Ah! Yes. Of course! I started shifting on the chair, trying to find a comfortable position. In all honesty, I was comfortable whatever position I was in, but I had to make it all look real. I furrowed my brow and stared at my legs angrily as I shifted again. I noticed Carlisle look up at me from his seat and I had to look away before I lost the façade. I turned to the TV.

"Why do you watch this crap? It's just a whole bunch of guys needing a reason to be gay with each other!" I said it as irritably as possible and Kate and Emmett looked at me as if I said the world was burning to the ground.

"Wrestling is an _art_!" Emmett defended. I scowled at him.

"It's dumb. And the 'moves' all have stupid names. What are they? Rednecks?"

"HEY! I'm a redneck!" Jasper looked over at me now and was frowning as well. Two birds with one stone, awesome.

"Well that certainly explains a lot." I snarled and went back to shifting in my spot as the three looked back at the TV, looking somewhat miffed now.

"GAH! I feel so fat!" I pushed out my stomach and leant back into the couch, running a hand over my gut. "Carlisle, do you think I'm fat?" I looked up at Carlisle innocently, yet with an irritated look.

"No. In fact, you could stand to gain a few kilos." He said it slowly, contemplating the placement and tone of each word carefully.

"SO YOU'RE SAYING I'M TOO THIN! WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR ARE YOU?! Doctor I don't care!" I looked back my stomach and ran a hand over it again before shifting my weight. "I feel so fat. I need to jog more… and do more sit ups. Emmett, do I look fat?" I looked up at Emmett with the same look I gave Carlisle and he looked around nervously. "YOU THINK I'M FAT?!"

"NO! No… you look… great!" Emmett turned back to the TV quickly and I smiled lightly, but quickly turned and scowled at Carlisle. "At least Emmett doesn't think I'm fat." I hissed under my breath.

"I don't think you're fat." Carlisle repeated softly, trying his fatherly-yet-doctorly tone.

"That's what you say now. It's because I'm not a vampire… isn't it! ADMIT IT!" I yelled at Carlisle, working the tone up into a very good yell. Emmett looked over at us and nudged Jasper. "Well, I'm hungry."

I stood up quickly, face entirely smoothed out and almost happy, remembering quickly that I was supposed to be uncomfortable and in pain. I groaned and rubbed my stomach before heading into the kitchen.

Esme wasn't in here, which was slightly disheartening. It was hard to annoy someone when they weren't in front of you… mostly. Maybe… maaaaybe. I started scouting the kitchen instantly and intently. They had to have some, it _was_ put into some meals… and Renesmee ate!

Oh… wait. Her dad was a prude. I stopped for a moment and looked up, right into Jasper's gold eyes.

"Gotta be here somewhere." I said dismissively and started looking again. Jasper made no attempt at being quiet as he sat down and I started re-opening the cupboard doors again.

"Why don't you tell me what you're looking for. I'm sure I could help you."

Don't listen to him. He was the enemy. The redneck enemy. Hang on. I looked up at Jasper for a moment and squinted my eyes at him. Rednecks had it so in stock they never ran out… no! He was still the enemy. I looked back through the cupboards.

"I'm sure you _could_. As to whether or not you _would_ is a different story." I turned around quickly, shutting the cupboard behind me and looked at the pantry. I don't know why it would be in there, but these were vampires. _Hardly_ logical when it came to human stuff and how to store it. I opened the pantry and walked in, shutting it just as Jasper reached out to take hold of the door. He walked in anyway when I moved away from the door and I started scanning the shelves, moving stuff around. From the corner of my eye, I saw Jasper lean against the shelf nonchalantly.

"What do _you_ want?"

"I want to know why you're so agitated… and why you're doing whatever it is you're doing."

I couldn't help it. I laughed. "Agitated because you won't leave me alone. Doing it cuz I can." I was about to turn back until the light from outside cast a ray of shine onto a very familiar surface and my happiness factor rose exponentially. Jasper turned around and looked where I was looking. Oh crap.

"SUGAR!" I tried pushing him out the way to get to the container of flour that was conveniently on the other side of him also. He just looked at me.

"What _are_ you doing?"

"Ahhh…. Mmmm-MAKING PANCAKES!"

Jasper looked at me oddly. "Liar."

"Do you _really_ want the truth?"

"I don't think so."

"Good. Then jump back on your high horse and muster up the cattle, redneck." I frowned at Jasper and pushed him again (still to no affect) and tried to stare him down as he frowned back at me.

"Stop calling me a redneck."

"Emo."

"Or that."

"Emu."

"That's a _bird_."

"Emu's can't fly."

"Still a bird."

"Turkey."

"Also a bird."

"… Fuck you."

"You wish." Jasper smirked and crossed his arms. He hadn't moved at all. Two could play at that game. It was like the tango, or the Waltz. Or, any dance really.

"That I _do_." I smirked back. It unsettled Jasper instantly and I bit the corner of my lip before I looked him up and down. He was gone in seconds. I rubbed my hands together and grinned. Back to my previous mission.

45 minutes later with no vampire interaction, locked in a pantry with many a strange food stuffs.

I couldn't stop giggling and I didn't know why, but that made it even funnier. All I'd said was sugar… another burst of laughter. Maybe I should leave the pantry and try and find Kate and Hayley. Then we could… laugh together. I gripped the edge of one of the shelves and pulled my self up, collapsing against it in a fit of more giggles when I was up. The beverage rushed to my head and made my eyes swim with a milky color before settling down into fogged up vision. Like looking into a mirror after having a hot shower and all the steam is almost evaporated. I waited for a few seconds until the initial dizziness faded and turned for the door. It didn't seem that far away, but intoxicated, everything seems simpler.

After another ten minutes of navigating the kitchen, I made my way into the living room. Jasper wasn't in there, but that was okay, because Renesmee and Jacob were! I giggled loudly and tripped over… something. Everything was so cool and slow when intoxicated. Neither Jacob or Nessie moved, I could tell. But, I didn't care. I was having too much fun laughing as I finally righted myself onto my hands and knees.

"Dampshire and vapehifter in looooove." I started laughing again and rolled onto my side for a moment. "Kick the duuust. Get maaaarried!" I peered over the couch slowly, searching for Renesmee and Jacob before I could even see over the material. They were looking at me strangely.

"An'chu call me feared." I snorted before I laughed again.

"Nessie-"

"GRANDMA!"

Jacob flinched when Nessie called for Esme. But there was nothing he could do as she was in the room in moments. She seems to suss out the situation immediately.

"I wanna stay in here and talk to Nessie and Jacob!" I said, trying my damn hardest not to slur or sway at the same time. I could just imagine the expression I was wearing… and I did. That didn't help my predicament any as I collapsed laughing again.

"IZA SHAPESHIFTER and a half-breeeeeeed."

"DON'T CALL HER A HALFBREED!" Jacob was standing up and yelling before I got a chance to register it, and Esme was retaliating by pointing outside before I had a chance to react. Whatever. I suddenly felt really tired and shook my head. Esme picked me up.

"Time to get you to bed." She said softly.

"NO! I… I… Ummm…"

"Yes?"

Why did she always have to be so nice and motherly? I wish she'd been my mum.

"I don't need to sleep."

Something suddenly made me feel very sleepy… and feel like I was on a boat. That was about when I noticed that Esme had started humming and was trying to rock me to sleep. That sobered me up some. NO VAMPIRE WOULD MAKE ME FALL ASLEEP! I twisted in her arms and would have fallen out if she hadn't been so damn fast.

"LET ME GO! I DON'T WANNA GO TO SLEEP!"

"You're drunk. You have to sleep."

"I wonder _why_ I'm drunk."

"You drank alcohol."

I rolled my eyes and pushed away from her. This time she let me go slowly and as soon as my feet touched the ground I steppe backwards… and fell over the couch. I was laughing by the time I got onto the floor again and stood up slowly.

"Well, this has been fun, but I have to go smash some vases now."

I dropped the happy smile and laughing instantly and saw Esme's face changed from loving to something resembling deranged.

"You will not. If you want to act like that, go outside and smash a tree."

I paused for a moment, contemplating. That sounded like fun. But why do that when I could go and play on a piano?

"I think I want to play on a piano."

Esme straightened up and glared at me. "Outside. Now."

"I won't break it! I do know how to _play_ the _piano_!!!" I yelled at her. It probably came out slightly slurred to her, but to me it made perfect sense. I started to walk off, but Esme stood in the way.

"You're too drunk to do anything but slur and stumble. You need to sleep."

"I'LL SLEEP WHEN I'M FUCKING READY!" I yelled and turned back around to face the window. She was there probably before I was even halfway.

"I think you have some deep-seated physiological issues that you need to sort out. And that's why you got drunk."

"Yes. Deep seated. I hate you. I hate being here. I hate everything. Oh woe is me!" She was getting me more sober by the second. How was I supposed to fuck up Edward's piano and have full recollection of it? That wasn't how it was supposed to be… waaait a second. This was her plan! Get me angry, get me sober, then get me to fall asleep.

"Well you're here. You may as well try and make the best of it."

I stood right up to Esme's face and glared at her. "Oh don't you worry, I am." I turned around and started walking, she wasn't in my way, so I assumed she'd either stayed where she was or left so quickly I didn't see her. Either way, I was going to calm down and do some psychological damage of my own… starting with Edward's piano.

There was a lot of musical stuff in this room. I always thought Edward only owned a piano. Oh how wrong I'd been. I got to play with maracas, tambourines, a guitar and drums. Maybe it was just the piano that Edward owned. Either way, I sat at it now and it felt very nice. The wood work was so precise and intricate and it smelt very woodsy. I opened up the thing that protected the ivory and ebony keys and pressed G. That wasn't very interesting. I started playing one of the only songs I knew how to play - Angel. It was so nice and soft and melodic and calming. I got sick of it halfway through and looked around at the room. All the instruments I'd already played with were trashed around the room and even the drum set hadn't remained together. But the one thing that really stood out amongst it all was the bucket of paint on the other side of the room, half hidden beneath a symbol. I grinned broadly. Maybe I did want to remember this.

I jumped off the stool and leapt over a bass that was next to the piano and moved around the other various and interesting musical items until I reached the paint tin. I threw the symbol behind me and picked up the brush that was on top of the tin. This was just too good to be true. I looked at the color on the tin. Oh yeah, this was good. I picked up the tin, with a bit of difficulty because it was full and dragged it back over to the piano. I looked around the room for five minutes to find something to get the lid off with and settled on a drum stick. Surprisingly, it worked. I dipped the drum stick in and swirled the paint around until it was thick and gluggy and then dipped the brush in. This was too good.

Twenty minutes later I was wondering why none of the vampires had tried to find me. It wasn't often they left me alone this many times in a day. Oh well, then anything I did was their fault. I stepped back away from the piano, finally finished, and admired my handy work. Painting it had made me mostly sober, now I just felt really happy and buzzed. And there was still about a quarter of the tin left. I think this color would go nicely with…. Silver. I smirked and picked up the paint tin before I ran out and down the hallway.

Into the GARAGE! I slammed the door shut behind me and looked around. If Alice so much as stopped me… I locked the door and started to run over to Edwards car when a line of paint tins on the other side of the room and changed course and ran over to that first. I propped the hot pink paint I was holding onto the floor and looked through the colors on the floor. Yep… yep… oh excellent! That would be a good color. It took about five minutes to get the paint tins spread out and opened. I dipped the paint brush, I let the excess drip off… I slashed the paint through the air… and it missed the Volvo completely. Instead, it landed on Rosalie's convertible. Oh, fuck. Actually, oh well. I dipped the brush in again and turned from Edward's shiny car to Rosalie's red one. I slashed the paint through the air again and it made a very nice streak effect. Running back to the tins, I repeated the process several times before both sides of the car, plus the bonnet were streaked, circled and almost unrecognizable. I turned to Edward's car. It was the reason I was in here after all. I walked back to the tins, dropped the brush and picked up the blue tin, smirking as I walked back over to the Volvo. I rested the tin on the roof and climbed up after it, lifted the tin up and started to tip it over the roof. I stepped forward onto the front and let the paint come out in a big splat right on the front of Edward's car. Now for the back! I turned around and dragged the paint across the roof in circles before I turned again and let it run down the sides. When the paint was almost empty, I got off the car and put the paint next to Alice's car, and got the green and purple paint, doing the same thing to Edward's car that I'd done with the blue paint. It was all over in seconds. Mission accomplished… even Carlisle's car had a little bit of a paint job. Now! For the last touch.

**3 hours later**

A very loud, piercing scream was heard from the garage and a shudder ran up through my spine. I shrunk into the seat a little and picked at my finger.

"ALICE! GET IN HERE!"

A couple of seconds later, another, even loud shriek rang through the house. I jumped up and ran into the pantry before they could find me. This wasn't going to end well.

"EDWARD!"

Oh fuck fuck fuck.

"CARLISLE!"

I stepped out of the pantry, no way I was going to be hidden in there. It didn't matter anyway. Three seconds after leaving the pantry four angry vampires were standing in front of me.

"JACOB DID IT!" I yelled reflexively.

"And you just so happen to have the exact same colors splattered on your clothes?"

I looked down at my shirt and pants. I looked like an artwork. "He got me too?"

"You're pushing this too far."

"God thing Edward hasn't seen his piano then."

Edward's face dropped and he disappeared in a moment. Oh shit. A few seconds later his anguished cry rang through the house and Carlisle's eyes turned black.

"This is too far. You're going to Charlie's house."

"You don't like the color purple, do you?"

"That's not the point. You gave _three_ cars a full paint job. You have no discipline and I'm not taking any excuses, you're going to Charlie's house."

I turned around to run and found myself cradled underneath Carlisle's arm. Alice was holding Rosalie back and I could hear Edward sobbing in the music room.

"NOOOOOOOOO! I DON'T WANNA GO TO CHARLIE'S HOUSE! HE DRINKS BEER!"

"I don't care."

"But that's not fair!"

"What's not fair is that you destroyed our cars."

"Not yours.. . Much."

"Yes. Much. Half of my car has purple on it, Lillian."

"Well now it's just pretty."

By now I was strapped into the seat and we were already out of the garage. This was not funny. Not in the slightest!

"It cuz you think I'm fat… isn't it?"

Carlisle frowned and looked at me for a moment.

"I've rung Charlie. He knows what to expect of you."

"Did you tell him about the joyride?"

I looked happily at the steering wheel and Carlisle's fingers tightened around the leather.

"Yes."

"WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!" I pulled the seatbelt out as far as it would go and screaming in Carlisle's ear. "NOW HE'S GOING TO BE MEAN!"

"That's not my fault."

"It will be." I snarled softly and sat back down again to continue glaring at him for the rest of the trip.

"You won't be going to school. No-one trusts you going there… especially on your own. But you'll stay there for a week and we'll see how you are after the week is finished."

"And for the second time you bastards leave me somewhere without Edwardo! You think you'd fucking learn!"

Carlisle sighed audibly and I crossed my arms and turned away from him.

"House full of air." Was all he whispered before the car started slowing down.

I could see the double story white building looming in front of the black, and now purple, Mercedes. Charlie stood on the front porch, arms folded, trying to hide his expression of annoyance. Granted that annoyance seemed mild. I was definitely in for a "proper driving etiquette" lecture. **(This tv show went from Red Rain to humans coming from space, and then somehow tied it all in with the Red Rain…. Wtf?)** Carlisle walked slowly around the car while I sat where I was grumpily. I didn't want to get out. Carlisle opened the door.

"FINE!" I yelled and slipped under his arm to face Charlie. Well, if I was here, I might as well make the most of it.

"Hi Charlie. We're going to have fun."

**YAY! ANOTHER ONE IN THE WEEK! I'm keen for the next two chapters, so they'll come out a lot quicker than these last two.**

**Don't watch the documentary channel! They talk about aliens.**

**Happy reading.**


	22. I think she's got problems

Disclaimer: **Rosalie is still pissed off at me.**

Jasper: … can you teach me to drive like you did?

**-grins-**

Jasper: Please?

**Ok. Only if you do the disclaimer for the next ten chapters.**

Jasper: OK! Lillian doesn't own Twilight… but she does own the ability to write heaps cool.

**-smiles proudly at Jasper and starts drooling-**

Chapter 20: I think she's got problems

Sugar highs last a while

Carlisle left quickly about ten minutes after Charlie had shown me around the house. I'd behave quite nicely… I thought. I'd asked Carlisle why Kate, Hayley and KT weren't coming and he said they'd disappeared as well. So I was, again, stuck here on my own in this crappy universe, and I still wasn't any closer to finding out how to leave! I'd asked Carlisle before he left to continue theorising and if he came up with a sure thing to get Edwardo and rescue me… he said he'd try. I don't believe him.

Charlie was sitting in the living room watching a fishing show and I could hear it from the kitchen, where I currently was… attempting to make something. I thought I was doing quite well, but the last time Charlie was in here he sighted strangely and walked out again. At least I hadn't gotten the lecture yet.

The time dinged on the oven and I opened it up excitedly. The very lovely aroma of cookies wafted out and Charlie was in the kitchen in moments.

"They gots ta cool first."

Charlie wasn't looking at the cookies though, he was looking at me. I brushed my hands free of flour and sugar mixture into the sink and looked back at him.

"Lecture time?"

"Why were you driving that fast?"

"Did he only tell you about speed?"

"I could hear the screeching."

"It's all Edwards fault!"

"How?" Charlie looked sceptical, but intrigued at the same time and his voice back up his look.

"I don't know. But it was."

Charlie sighed and I looked at the cooling sugar coma's. Charlie even had chocolate chips! I don't know why, but they'd gone into the mixture along with a lot of other sugary stuff.

"Want a cookie?" I asked, holding one out for him. He took it and bit into it, I picked one up as well and did the same. It had just the right amount of too much sugar and chocolate chips. It really was a sugar coma in a biscuit.

"I didn't know you knew how to cook." Charlie exclaimed, taking another bite.

"I don't." I replied, already on my second cookie.

Charlie reached out and pulled the rest of the forty-something batch away from me. That was okay, before I couldn't reach them I'd already grabbed one for each hand and had one in my mouth. Did Charlie really think that little of my talents? That was just not cool at all! I had many talents, like cooking cookies when I didn't actually know how to cook.

"On with the lecture. There is something known as the correct and _legal_ speed. You were doing about three times _over_ that limit."

"I was being chased."

"Regardless, you shouldn't have been going that fast."

Charlie continued on with his lecture that I wasn't actually listening to, just nodding when he paused. He seemed to think that was my indication that I was listening to him… he _did_ have a teenage Bella at one stage didn't he? What on earth would cause him to think that I was actually listening to him? Teenagers never listened to adults when they lectured on.

"Well, 18 is the legal age in Australia."

Charlie stopped for a moment and looked like he'd been slapped. "What?"

"18. It's the legal age in Australia. Drinking, smoking, drivers license, clubbing. Legal."

"Were you listening to a word I just said?"

"All of it."

"What did I say?"

"Were you listening to a word I just said."

"Before that."

"What?"

"Before that. What did I say before that."

"What?"

"What did I say before what?"

I looked around the kitchen for the answer, like it would hit me somewhere… I rested on the cookie in my left hand and took a bite out of it. "Driving over the speed limit in a public area where small children might be running around is very dangerous. And stealing a vampire's car and trying to escape from said vampire's family is equally as dangerous."

"… vampires?"

"Oh shit. I wasn't supposed to say that."

Charlie's eyes were almost popping out of his head and I tried to quickly think of an excuse to cover what I said.

"What… what I mean is, they reminded me of vampires. You know, speeding and never aging."

Charlie nodded, trying to forget what I said. He pushed the cookies back into the centre of the counter.

"Don't speed." He said exhaustedly and walked out.

I looked at both of my cookies, and then at the ones on the tray. I shoved the two I was holding into my mouth and grabbed a handful more before following Charlie into the living room. He'd switched from fishing to baseball.

"What is it with guys and their insatiable attitude towards sports? It's dull, boring and mediocre… well, the ones you watch certainly are."

Charlie looked at me with a raised brow as I sat down crossed legged on the couch and dropped the cookies into my lap.

"What would you prefer to watch?" He asked indignantly, tightening his grip on the TV remote.

"Grass grow." I snorted and picked up one of the cookies and took a bite out of it before looking up at Charlie. "How many do you think I'll have to eat before I get a sugar high?"

Charlie's annoyed expression turned to worry and then fear as he picked up the phone on the other side of him and dialled in a number. I finished the Cookie I'd started on and picked up another one.

"Sugar highs?"

Charlie nodded a few times, his fearful expression changing through several different emotions before his gaze settled on me. By now I was down to five cookies left and had chocolate smeared all over my face. I knew that because I wiped some off my forehead. I still don't know how it manages to get all the way up there, I _do_ know where to put food.

I jumped off the couch, finally finished all the cookies and bent down next to Charlie, giggling.

"Chaarlie! Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarlie! CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARL-"

"What?!"

"I FOUND A MAP TO CANDY MOUNTAIN CHARLIE!"

"A what? I don't know what she's talking about." Charlie was still on the phone.

"A MAP CHARLIE! A MAP TO _CANDY MOUNTAIN_! … Chaaaaarlie!"

"Go follow it then."

"COME WITH ME CHARLIE! COME WITH ME TO CANDY MOUNTAIN!" I started tugging on Charlie's shirt and tried to pull the remote out of his hands at the same time.

"NO! Go away! Go to _sleep_."

"LOOK CHARLIE! It's a leoplurodon! A maaaaagical leoplurodon."

"Excellent. Go away." Charlie hung up the phone and turned back to the TV.

"You're no fun." I sighed and walked back into the kitchen, picked up a smaller handful of cookies and walked outside. It was cold and I wasn't wearing any shoes, but the was okay, I didn't mind. I sat down in the middle of the yard and started eating, looking up at the cloud covered night sky. The moon shone through in lighter patches of cloud cover, but not all that much anywhere else. It was like the clouds were suffocating the light. I thought back to home when I'd sneak out at night when y dad was there and go and lay on the football field near the school and stare up at the stars. It was always so nice, and quite… peaceful. Nothing was ever a bother there. All the problems of the world seemed to melt away as soon as my feet touched the grass. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. The smell of water, rain and grass wafted through my senses, along with the smell of several different types of wet tree bark and faint traces of wild animal. It brought me crashing back to the now. I was in such a different place, a different country. The sights, sounds and smells were all different.

There was also another difference. I was alone here. I don't know how I got here, I don't how my friends had gotten here, but they'd all managed to get back. I was still stuck here. I couldn't just get on a plane and go back to my house because I didn't know if it _was_ my house. Nothing here was the same as what it was back there. Something had changed when I'd fallen asleep on the couch, and I didn't know if it would, or even could, change back.

"Are you alright?"

I turned and looked at Charlie standing just outside the doorway and felt an icy sting on my face. I touched my cheeks and found them wet. When the hell had I started crying? I turned away from Charlie and rubbed my face clean.

"Yeah. Yeah I'm alright." I had to get back on top of myself. I jumped up off the ground and brushed the grass off my back. While I was here, I had to be strong, and strong willed, and never let myself cry around them… any of them! Time for Cullen torture, from Charlie's house!

"Don't worry about me Charlie. I'm a big kid."

Charlie shrugged as I walked past him and shut the door behind us before he locked it. "I'm going to sleep. Don't touch my car."

"Okay!" At least he didn't tell me not to touch anything else.

"And clean the kitchen."

"Aww, do I have to?"

Charlie was already halfway up the stairs and he looked back down at me. "Yes."

"Alright then." Later. As soon as Charlie's bedroom door shut, I ran into the living room and dove for his chair, picking up the phone as I landed. Redial!

"What's she up to now Charlie?"

"Yes, I'd like a Hawaiian, a meat lovers… and have you got that new deer blood pizza?"

"LILLIAN!"

"Awww, you remember me! Does this mean I get a discount?"

"I think someone already discounted enough on your mental capabilities."

I was about to retort when Carlisle hung up. My mouth dropped as the dial tone took over. He… he just… hung up… on _me_!

I narrowed my eyes. No-one hangs up on Lillian!

Redial.

Dial tone

…

Dial tone

…

Dial tone

I hung up and dialled in Rosalie's number.

"Rose speaking."

I put on a posh British accent.

"Hello, is a… Dr. Carlisle Cullen there?"

The was silence on the phone for a minute and I hoped to god that Rose didn't have Charlie's number in her phone.

"CARLISLE!" Rosalie yelled on the other end. I smirked.

"Do you want me to give you his number?"

"I think it would be better if we spoke now. To not cause many more delays."

"Here he is."

There was a bit of shuffling and static as the phone switched hands and then the magical voice came over the line.

"Dr. Carlisle Cullen speaking."

"SEX BOMB, SEX BOMB! YOU'RE THE SEX BOMB!" I hung up quickly and broke down into a fit of giggles.

The phone rung a few seconds later and I started freaking out. Where was the answer button?! I dove under a small pile of pillows to mute the sound a little and found the button.

"Herrow, Shuix Leu schpiking."

"Oh I'm… LILLIAN!"

"Shhhh Carlisle, Charlie is asleep."

"Then you go to sleep too."

"Ok. Tell Edward I'll give him back his phone when you pick me up."

"Ed-... WHAT?!"

"I'm such the little sneak. No-one ever suspects the human… hey, he's got Aro's number in here!" I _had_ taken Edward's phone. It had been a little tricky _getting_ it, but he never took it hunting with him… apparently.

"What would he say if I rang him?"

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT LILLIAN!"

"Oops. I pressed ring. NOW HE'LL KNOW IT'S ME! WHAT DO I DO CARLISLE?!"

"Hang up. Now!"

"Ok." I hung up on him and held Edward's phone to my ear.

"Hello this is Aro."

"Is this a voice message?"

"No. Is that you Edward?"

"I always thought Edward's voice was a little high pitched too."

"Bella?"

"You'll never get it."

"… Are you Alice?"

"HA! I'm not that short!"

"Who is this?!"

"This is Lillian. Who is this?"

"You rang me and you don't know who I am?"

"It says Aro."

There was a buzzing on the other end of the line and I tried to focus in on it, focus between the buzzes to hear the words… it failed.

"You're not a vampire are you?"

"No. I'm a human."

"But Edward,"

I could almost hear the wheels in Aro's brain turning.

"Is a vampire, yes. He's going to find me and kill me because I took his phone. Is there some kind of…something you can do so that he doesn't?"

"Not from where I am. How do they know you?"

"Question is how I know them. They don't really know me at all. Why is your hair white? Were you electrocuted?"

"It is hard to electrocute a vampire."

"Not really. You've still got flesh on you, and you're still a conduit for electricity. A bolt of lightening finds the quickest, most direct route to the ground. So, if you were outside-"

"I didn't get struck by lightening."

"How long do vampire's live for?"

"For ever."

Aro seemed to be enjoying the conversation, but every few seconds there was a buzzing noise on his side and I _knew_ he was conveying information.

"So, if you live forever, unless you get burnt, doesn't that mean there should be a vampire that's like 26 billion years old?"

"I suppose there might be. You are a very curious human."

"The Cullens just think I'm annoying."

"That too."

"Do you think I'm fat Aro?"

There was a silence on the phone line and I tried to think about how long I'd been talking to the vamp-mafia. Oh shit, Edward would be here soon! I jumped off the couch and ran up the stairs, crept along the hall and opened Charlie's door quietly before shutting it behind me. I crept even more quietly into the room and hid underneath his bed.

"Aro? Are you still there?"

"Yes. And I can't decide if I think you're fat or not because I've never met you."

"Carlisle thinks I'm fat."

"Are you fat?"

My mouth dropped.

"You think I'm fat? You old fucking gramp vamp! I dare you to come to Cullens house. I can't yell, because I'm hiding underneath someone's bed, but I will kick your fucking ass. I will make your life so miserable you'll be begging for me to burn you."

"You humans are quite temperamental."

"Shhh. I think Edward's here."

I tried holding my breath and listening and sure enough, a creak from Bella's old room, where I'd be told to sleep, sounded through the hall. I bit my lip to keep myself from laughing, but the euphoria was bubbling up quickly.

"I'm not sure he'd be able to hear me through the phone, as great as his hearing might be."

"I think he can." I whispered so low that I almost couldn't hear it. The door to Charlie's room opened slightly and I curled up and moved further back from the edge of the bed. I could see Edward's feet from my vantage point, and very soon I saw his face… well, the outline of it anyway.

"Get. Out." He whispered.

"No. Aro and I are talking. Fuck off." I whispered back.

"Edward, you're in so much trouble." Aro said through the phone.

"It's not my fault Aro! I don't even want her near me!"

"You're still in trouble."

"It's not his fault Aro."

"Give the phone to Edward."

"Only if you tell him he has to take me back."

"Fuck off. I am not taking you back with me. Carlisle is furious at you."

The whispering match went on for several more minutes until Charlie grunted and stepped off the bed, Edward quickly hid under and I was pushed into the wall. This was so uncomfortable.

"Get your foot out of my face!" I whispered at Edward. He somehow managed to turn around and I gagged on his smell. It was kind of nice, but I wasn't going to let him know that.

"Too late, I can read your mind."

"Smirking bastard."

"Give me my phone."

"NO! Aro loves _me_!"

"I don't care! Give me the phone!"

"Take me with you."

"Not a chance in hell."

"Edward, take Lillian back to your house, now. Lillian, give the phone to Edward."

"You can't tell me what to do."

"I just did."

"Fine."

I shoved the phone in Edward's face and sulked as Charlie came back in, now fully woken up. He was talking frantically.

"I don't know where she is Carlisle. I thought I heard something and went to check on her, she's not in the house."

No-one spoke.

"I'm going outside now."

A moments silence.

"Stay inside? Do you know where she might have gone?"

More silence.

"You're sure?"

GO TO SLEEP CHARLIE!

"Alright then. I trust you."

Charlie hung up and climbed back into bed.

"This is all your fault." I mouthed to Edward. "Start moving."

Edward was a lot quicker, and quieter than I was, and was out of the room is seconds, he'd left the door partially opened. As soon as I was outside the door Edward's arms wrapped around my waist and hauled me off the floor. I grunted lightly and we were outside in moments, already speeding off back to the Cullen's house.

"I didn't clean the kitchen!"

"I did."

"Why?"

"It was filthy. Did you let Charlie cook?"

"_I _WAS COOKING!"

"That explains it."

Edward's phone started vibrating and he had it opened and at his ear before I took into account that it had started vibrating.

"HE'S WHAT?!" Edward shot me a filthy glare and I crawled over the seat and sat down on the backseat in the middle.

"How long?"

I turned around to look at the backseat and noticed it had one of those arm rest things. I pulled it down and saw one of the doors behind it, leading into the boot. I started to crawl through when Edward grabbed the hem of my pants and yanked me back into the centre of the car.

"Just after sunrise? That doesn't give us much time Alice."

"Are you planning a party for _me_?" I asked, positioning myself close to his ear. He flinched away and turned into the driveway. I didn't realize how fast he'd been going. Bella was such a whinger.

"FASTER EDWARD! FASTER!"

Edward complied and smiled lightly as the car shot forward, only to slow down a few seconds later and come to a complete stop in the garage. Alice and Carlisle were at the doors in moments and I turned around and attempted to crawl through the opening again when Carlisle grabbed hold of the hem of the jeans and pulled me out.

"Oh that Carlisle, always ruining my fun."

"Shut up Lillian."

We stopped in the living room and Carlisle tossed me onto the lounge before he suddenly snapped on a set of handcuffs and locked my hands behind my back. Like a fish out of water, I struggled with the handcuffs and fell off the couch, trying to push the cuffs behind my knees. It was obvious I wasn't Houdini in a past life.

"SIT ON THE COUCH LILLIAN!" Carlisle yelled from his chair.

Everything seemed to stop then. Alice and Edward stopped, Esme stopped, Jasper stopped. I'm pretty sure even the air in the house froze. Carlisle never yelled. Carlisle was always calm. Carlisle was digging his fingers into his temple and rubbing it viciously. I figured, rightly so, that now was not the time to argue with the 'good' doctor. I got up awkwardly and sat on the edge of the couch, looking down at my feet. I knew how to pull of sad, ashamed and sorry at the same time and did it with deadly accuracy right now.

"I'm-"

"Why is gods name did you ring _Aro_, of the _Volturi_?"

"Sorry." I finished my sentence. "It's just my personality. Defy-"

"Everything that common sense tells you NOT to do? Yes, we figured that bit out already."

"How many more times do you want me to apologize?"

"Did you know the Volturi are now coming here?"

"I'll get to _see_ Aro?" The pitch in my voice roseand Carlisle frowned.

"Yes. In fact, so is Marcus and Caius."

"Well they're not so special."

"As they're all the 'royalty' of the vampire race, they're more special as a whole then they are singularly."

"Whatever Carlisle. It's not like I told him anything incriminating… in fact, I told him you _don't_ know me."

"If only we didn't."

"I could say the same thing. You really think I _want_ to be stuck here?"

"You aren't showing any evidence that you want to go back."

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize that pissing you off wasn't enough."

"They'll be here in three hours. Until then, those cuffs are staying on."

Carlisle disappeared from his spot on the couch and Esme shortly after. Edward and Bella weren't far behind them, but Edward had a very quick conversation with Jasper first. Alice and Jazz stayed behind.

"CARLISLE! DOES THIS MEAN I GET TO PLAY DRESS UPS?"

I jumped back into the couch and tried to get away from Alice as quickly as I could. Jasper was so much quicker than I was and had me standing and was holding my wrists before I could even get off the couch.

"Thank you Carlisle."

"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT AGAIN!"

**End scene.**

**HAHA! Hope you enjoyed that as much as I enjoyed writing it. Ooooh! The Volturi are coming! Scaaaary…**

**You want to know what I'm doing? Well, I'm studying my options for next year. Three year acting courses. How boring… the researching, not the courses.**

**Anyway,**

**Happy reading!**


	23. And you call ME weird!

Disclaimer: Jasper: Lillian doesn't own Twilight.

**NO! YOU DID IT- -muffled yelling-**

Edward: Good work Jasper.

**-muffled yelling slowly disappears as Edward drags me away-**

Jasper: ….

**-runs back in- YOU DID IT WRONG! -Edward runs back in and drags me away again… more muffled yelling-**

Chapter 21: And you call _me_ weird!

I hate Alice. I really really do. As if the first, and second, shopping trips weren't enough, she apparently didn't learn that I don't like dresses. Now was no better. Instead of yellow frills, they were pink this time, and she'd brushed my hair, AND put me in light gold colored high heels.

"I hope you know I can't walk in heels." I grumbled, wishing now more than ever that I could move my hands.

"That's okay, I'll help you down the stairs."

"I can't walk in them _at all_."

"Learn."

Alice really didn't know me at all. I was as stubborn as a donkey, and I hated high heels. Of course, I had walked in heels before, but it had never turned out all that well.

"So what's going to happen when Aro gets here? Do you take the handcuffs off?"

"I think we're just going to keep them on." Jasper was standing in the corner of the room and smirking lightly.

"I'll find a way out. Aro likes me. He'll let me out." I smirked back at Jasper as Alice tried to run a brush through my hair. "NO! You've already brushed it!"

"Yes, but you've already messed it up again, and they'll be here in ten minutes."

I leapt forward out of the chair but Alice grabbed hold of my shoulders and pushed me back down.

"I don't think so."

"How much more torture can you unleash upon me? I'm in a dress, heels AND you've brushed my hair!"

"Jasper."

"I am not enjoying this, and if you make me I'll make you regret it."

I didn't feel any differently in the next few seconds until I felt Alice tugging my hair. Jasper hadn't looked like he'd moved…

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I tried to jerk away from Alice but she held my shoulders firmly as she ran the brush through my hair again. I started sobbing. She was making my hair all ugly. What a treacherous wench. She would get hers, I would somehow make sure of it.

"Alice, time to go."

"Excellent."

Alice stood in front of me for a moment and nodded before she lifted me up by my shoulders.

"Ready for your big debut?"

"Ready for a punch in the face?""Ready for a broken arm?"

"Ready for revenge?"

Alice just laughed at that and turned me around.

Five minutes and a tantrum later and we were finally downstairs, and the only reason that that was, was because Jasper made me feel happy until we got to the bottom, then my happiness just kinda took over on it's own. ARO WAS HERE! I started to run to the living room but Jasper grabbed hold of me and stopped us all.

"Let her go Alice."

"Jasper, it's okay." Alice stepped up beside Jasper and grabbed hold of his hands. Jasper's muscles bunched and I rolled my eyes.

"Well they're expecting _me_. You two do what you will." I walked around the couple and tripped on the heel of one of the shoes. "They just never listen."

As soon as I got into the room, I saw Alice and Jasper turn and go to stand in the corner, Jasper had his arms protectively around Alice and was glaring at the couches. If only Aro wasn't here, I could _destroy_ their happy fun time. As it were, Aro was here!

I turned back to the general group and found Carlisle glaring at me again. "Still handcuffed!" I turned around and showed him. Alice had refused to take them off, even when I complained they were cramping my arms. When I turned back around, I smirked and shook my hair, stepped forward and rubbing it against the material of the couch, effectively messing it up again. I shook it again and got it settle how it was.

"Sorry Alice, but I hate neat."

Hearing no gasps or feeling any hairbrushes running through my now messed up locks. I was iiiin the clear! I walked awkwardly around the couch and stood in front of the Volturi. It wasn't like death row or anything sinister… besides that I was wearing a dress. Maybe that made it hell. Sweet, I'd surpassed being tortured and maimed and had gone straight to the fiery pits… but there was no fire.

"Aro?"

Aro, Caius, Marcus, Jane, Alec, Felix, Demetri and Heidi either sat or stood on and behind the couches. The "protectors" stood against the wall. Everyone was looking at me.

"I told you this was a hideous dress Alice. You've lost your flair."

Alice jerked forward but Jasper held her back. The three royals were all looking at Alice.

"Thanks Jazz. Keep doing that and we'll make a great team."

The heads turned back to me. There was silence for a moment.

"Well, nice to know. Now, Aro, can I pweeease take this horrible outfit off?"

"NO!" Everyone looked at Edward.

"I know you plan to take it off. You haven't decided, but the images are there…. I'm leaving." Edward disappeared and I stared at the spot he and Bella had been sitting in in.

"That was certainly odd. I planned on putting on my pjs again."

Esme stood beside me a few seconds later with my clothes and took off the handcuffs. "Go into the bathroom and get changed."

I knelt down and unstrapped the death traps before I ran out and got changed. I left the hideous pile of material Alice had stuck on me on a drying rack. If I put it on the ground, she might just have killed me. When I got back to the living room, the conversation was buzzing… literally.

"THE HUMAN'S BACK! TIME TO BREATH!"

The conversation stopped and, again, everyone looked at me.

"I've never had such an effect on this many people at once. I feel so _loved_."

"She's going to be changed Carlisle, there's no ifs, buts or maybes. And we'll be here to supervise."

I burst out laughing and clutched my ribs. "Marcus said buts."

"Then you can change her, no-one here will, I can promise you that."

"What makes you think I'd let any of you change me anyway? I don't _want_ to be a vampire!"

"You're _going_ to be one, whether you want to or not. Or we can just kill you, decide now." Marcus tilted his head and I could have sworn that he was playing with a smirk.

"I'll go to the wolves and they'll kick your butts!"

"Change, or die."

"Fine, I'll be nice to the Cullens."

Carlisle actually fell of the chair he was sitting on. "I ACCEPT!"

"Can I do it Sirs? Please? You wouldn't let us kill Bella." Felix said from behind me. I turned around and saw Demetri and Felix prepping to pounce.

"I don't think so flea bag." I scoffed, giving Felix the once over. "Besides, I don't know the last time you brushed those teeth of yours."

"Not since my last meal."

"Well jee, sure, bite into my neck then."

"FELIX, DEMETRI! Do not provoke her." Fleabag, Dumbass and I all turned to look at Caius. Fleabag and Dumbass straightened up, but glared at me. I smirked and flicked my hair before poking my tongue out at them. Yes, it was immature, but no-one said I had to act my age… yet.

"Yeah. Don't _provoke_ me." I finished smugly, turning back to the group still in the room. Jasper and Alice had left at some point and the three Royals had engaged Carlisle in a very buzzful conversation in the few seconds I hadn't been paying attention. I could make out very profound "NO!"'s from Carlisle, and very profound "YES!"'s from the Volturi.

"SEA SQUID!" I shouted happily, forcefully sitting down on the couch Edward and Bella had vacated. Carlisle and the Volturi's conversation halted instantly and they all looked at me, eyebrows raised.

"Well, I could have said maybe, but then I would have been involved in your lovers feud."No-one spoke for a moment and an awkward silence filled the room.

"Our _what_?" Marcus seemed to be getting quite angry.

"Lovers feud." I said unsurely. Marcus was kind of scary. I looked at Aro, who seemed to be on the verge of laughing, then at Caius, who just looked perpetually cranky. "Please don't eat me."

Caius turned back to Carlisle. "There is no alternative, she will be changed."

"Well, you _could_ kill me, but then you wouldn't know what Heidi does with your… oops, I've said too much." I put both hands over my mouth quickly and shot a suggestive look at Heidi before winking 'secretively' at the vampiric version of fish bait. The three Royals looked from me to Heidi with astonishing speed! Who knew a vampire could move so quickly!

"I think 'little' of people who move that fast." I muttered behind my hands, which just earned me looks of confusion from everyone before they turned back to Heidi.

"What have you done with our…"

"NOTHING! She didn't even finish the sentence!"

"Nice one Heid's. Lead the conversation back to _me_. Because _I'm_ more important than _you_."

"Narcissism is an odd trait on you… but it fits well." Aro was speaking!

"Oh wise old Gandalf the Grey, spew more of your intellectual, misunderstood musings at me!" I got on my knees in a praying way and bowed down, so my head touched the ground. "I am humbled in your presence."

No-one said anything for a minute and I thought they'd died… of course, they're vampires; they don't die. I peeked up. Carlisle's mouth was hanging open at Aro, probably in awe.

"She… just…to you… Teach me oh great Aro!" I looked at Carlisle and frowned.

"Being a suck-up won't work… for you anyway." I rolled my eyes and scoffed. Carlisle looked like he was about to get on the floor and beg Aro to teach him how to be like Aro.

"To be like Aro, you must first drink human blood, Carlisle… from a human… unwillingly… not like me." I bit the corner of my lip and looked Carlisle up and down. "I'd go willingly _any_ day."

Carlisle ACTUALLY shuddered! It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life!

"Whatever, I'm gonna go chow down on something."

I pushed myself up and walked around the vampires into the kitchen.

Edward and Bella were in there.

"Am I breaking anything up? Anything romantic? Good." Annoying these freaks was all in a day's work for me, and at the moment, the only work I had… I loved life.

"We are not freaks. If anything, you're the freak."

I pulled out something from the freezer and slammed it onto the bench.

"What… What is this? This is FOOD Edward!" I put on a furious look and put my hands on my waist to emphasis the fake anger.

Edward raised an eyebrow at me. "Because you're a human."

"STOP RUINING MY DREAMS YOU INCONSIDERATE BASTARD!" I turned from angry to sad in an instant and curled into a ball on the floor, hugging my knees. "Why do you have to always be so mean to me?! Just because you don't have a heart." I sniffled for a moment and then looked back up at him and smiled. "I LOVE YOUR COUSINS!" And with that, I ran back into the living room.

Entering the living room again, I knew I'd interrupted a conversation as I jumped in between Aro and Marcus and looked at them both smiling after I put my hands in between my knees.. And, from the kitchen, right on queue, came the words to provoke all types of unwanted imagery.

"I AM NOT GAY WITH CARLISLE!"

**I realize this has taken me aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaages to finish, and for that, I'm sorry for making you wait. I went through a very unmuseful period and couldn't think of what to write. Then, I got drunk and it all came back! See, alcohol /can/ be good for you!**

**Still, don't drink and drive.**

**Hopefully, the next chapter should be out sooner.**

**Happy reading!**


	24. A Conversation with Aro

Disclaimer: Jasper: -pours over past disclaimers… looks up- … -looks down again-

**-Watches-**

Jasper: I prefer eating cougars.

**That was stupid.**

Jasper: Lillian doesn't own Twilight.

**DO IT BETTER NEXT TIME OR I'LL **_**NEVER**_** TEACH YOU!**

Chapter 22: At least I don't sound dead

Esme was glaring at me when I turned to look at her. I already knew what she was thinking.

"It's just so easy Esme, and he yells it out for everyone to gain unwanted and inerasable mental images." I shrugged at her as her lips thinned slightly and I went back to smiling at Aro and Marcus.

"What are you doing?" Caius asked, leaning forward to stare at me confusingly.

"Making myself appealing." I grinned, flipping my hair slightly.

"Please stop." Marcus was looking at Carlisle and had his jaw set rigidly.

"Should I put on perfume?" I lifted my arm and smelt my arm pit. "I don't smell _that_ bad!"

No-one said anything for a minute.

"Fine, go back to talking about changing me. Although I'm warning you, I won't let you do it."

More silence… then the 'adults' started talking… rapidly. At first I tried to make sense of their words and got in a few like "changed" and "tomorrow". That second one worried me and I furrowed my brows. There were several ways I could postpone, or destroy their plans to change me. Running away was an option, but I'd have to go when they were all hunting, and I doubt that they would leave me on my own again.

I jumped up and opened my arms, facing the Italian mob. "GROUP HUG! Who wants in?"

The three old vampires looked around me at Carlisle, who I seemed to be blocking from their sight.

"Is she always like this?"

"Worse. Much, much worse."

"CHANGE ME!" I sat down on Aro's lap and shoved my neck into his face. "Pleeeeease? I want to be a vampire too! Then we can play pool, and make campfire… oh wait." I looked down at my knees sadly. "If I'm a vampire, can I still eat marshamallows?"

Aro seemed somewhat startled by my sitting on him.

"You ok? You look like you're gonna vomit."

He reached out and touched my neck. Oooh, cold. Sexy.

"PLEASE! For the love of sanity, stop thinking that!"

"You're, too sexy for your shirt, too sexy for your shirt, so sexy I hurt."

Aro shuddered and took his hand away before pushing me off him. I started dancing in the middle of the room and continued the singing. "ARO MAKES ME GO INSANE! HE DRIVES ME UP THE WALL!"

I turned in time to see Carlisle try and hide a laugh.

"ARO, ARO, HE'S THE MAN, IF HE CAN'T PLEASE ME CAIUS CAN!"

"Does she have an off button?"

"Lillian, there's sugar in the kitchen."

"OOOH! SUGAR!" I slipped over when I turned too quickly for the kitchen, but regained my footing quickly and leapt over the couch between Caius and Marcus.

I checked every damn cupboard in that kitchen. I even got my head stuck in a pot, and I found no trace of sugar… AT ALL! Carlisle lied to me! I walked back into the living room pouting and waited until one of them looked at me. They were ignoring me… again. After a quick trip back to the kitchen, I pulled out a knife and waved it Emmett-in-Twilight style. Still nothing.

"I'll cut myself. I'll pull a Bella! Don't make me slip! I'll run with a knife!"

The knife vanished from my hand as Esme walked by and I pouted even more.

"You guys suck! And not in the good way. Do I need to start singing again?"

Every vampire in the room turned to me and simultaneously screamed: "NO!!!!!!" So that's how you get a vampires attention. I smirked and walked to sit down next to Aro again. Every few minutes, Aro would look at me and his hand would twitch. I got sick of it and eventually stood up and walked over to an empty couch. The conversation stopped as I moved and before I sat down, I stood back up again and ran out of the room. They all thought I was crazy anyway, why not _be_ it as well.

The first place I thought of going was to Alice's wardrobe, but a whoosh of air made me rethink that quickly and I instead ran into Carlisle's office. The book shelves and paintings were all still neat and straight, but they weren't what I was here for. Behind Carlisle's desk sat his plush leather work chair, and beyond that, a swivel chair. I smirked and ran over to it, grabbed the back and pulled it back downstairs into the living room.

The conversation once again stopped when I entered, and I saw Edward had joined them. A closer look at Edward revealed Aro holding his hand. Of course, I knew what he was doing, but that didn't stop the comments.

"Told you Edward was gay. I never would have suspected you to be homosexual though Aro. You're clavicle is too straight." I looked pointedly at their hands.

Aro and Edward separated so quickly I could have sworn they got vampire whip-lash. I chortled and turned back to the swivel chair. I hit the back of it and made it spin once before clearing my head. A glance at Edward's confused face and I jumped onto the chair, spinning it around and squealed happily.

"ARO! LOOK AT ME GO! GRAB A CHAIR AND JOIN ME!"

"She's absolutely infatuated with me."

The swivel chair sailed inches from Aro's head as he ducked to avoid it. Unfortunately, the chair hit the wall that just so happened to have Carlisle's cross on it. While the cross didn't break, it did fall down onto a side table that had one of Esme's special vases on it. The cross landed on the vase, shattering it and sending ceramic splinters through the air.

"TELL BELLA TO STAY OUT! We don't want Jasper to have a fit again."

Esme slid into the room seconds later and looked, horror stricken, at the shattered remainder of her vase before she snapped to look at me, the horror had turned to fury.

"ARO DID IT!" I screamed before I turned tail and ran like a scared little rabbit. I got into the hallway when a series of thuds came from the living room. I retracted my escape path and saw Caius and Carlisle trying to restrain Esme on the ground.

"ESME! Technically it wasn't me. _Carlisle__'__s_ cross broke it. I never touched it."

"DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD THAT WAS?"

"Older than I am."

"Carlisle, take your wife away, I want to have a talk with the girl… alone." Aro looked at Marcus and he stood up, somewhat grumpily and helped Caius, Carlisle and Edward to get Esme out, who was struggling against all of them.

"Vampires, so tempermental."

"Sit." Oooh, sexy Aro taking control.

"No."

His eyebrows raised.

"Don't want to."

"Fine then, stand."

"No." I sat down on Carlisle's vacated chair before I realized the use of reverse psychology and glared at Aro. "Stupid vampires and their stupid long life." I muttered. Aro started to smile.

"You should teach Bella how to smile. The only time she does is when she's glitter-fucking Edward."

Aro's smile vanished to be replaced by a scrunched up look that I took to be displeasure.

"Mental image?" I had to be sure.

"You are a vile, twisted human child."

"And yet surprisingly funny."

"Not from what I've heard."

"Everyone's a critic."

"Except you, you just like to destroy things and annoy people."

"Edward tell you that?"

"No, his memories did."

"Ahh, that's right, you feel people up and know what they're thinking. You can feel me up if you want. You're sexy."

Aro coughed and I sat up straight. I hadn't realized I'd been leaning forward.

"It's the old'ness. Stephanie Meyer made you all paedophilic losers."

"Who?"

"Nevermind."

"Come over here."

"Oh I'll come alright." I smirked suggestively and moved over to him. Right next to him. With my head on his shoulder. I looked up into his eyes smiling. "I love you Aro."

Aro coughed again.

"Give me your hand."

"A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL?! YES, OH YES! I ACCEPT!" Aro grabbed my hand and kept me in the chair by holding my shoulder. His eyes went all wide and he started smiling before his face started running through a series of different emotions. He looked down at my hand and ran a thumb across the back of my hand. I started purring.

"This is… amazing. The things you've seen."

I decided to screw with his power too. There was always a way. Aro's face crinkled and he looked up at me.

"Shirtless. Take it off Aro. Oh yeah, baby. You're, too sexy for your cape, too sexy for your cape, so sexy-"

Aro's hand on my shoulder went to my mouth and I licked it. He didn't seem to notice.

"The future… an alternate future. But how… ahhh, a couch? WALL COVERINGS?"

"You're not making any sense. Give me babies now?"

Aro's eyes glazed over and I tried taking my hand away from him. He had it in a vice, but a soft one. Well, if he was reading my memories. I pushed Aro's hand away from my mouth with my free hand and he grabbed that and held them together.

"As much as I'd really love this if you weren't raping my memories…" I whispered and I shifted so I was leaning right up to his face. Aro and Caius really were the sexiest vampires in the whole stupid series by that dim-witted Mormon house wife.

"… but how could she know…"

"It was all a dream." I leant closer to Aro's face and looked into his eyes, my smile just grew wider.

"Aaaaaaaaro?"

"How do you handle all this knowledge, you are but a mere human… a child at that. Only 18…"

"Hey, Edweird is 17!" I forwent on looking at Aro's face and put my head close to his shoulder before I breathed in his smell. Oh that sexy smell of old clothes. Like leather bound books on a rainy day. It was like old clothing porn. I moved from his shoulder to his clavicle and breathed in again. Something about perfume or aftershave and the scent of a plane. I moved up to his neck. Something floral… but unfamiliar. Just under his ear lobe…

Aro leapt back against the couch and was staring at me with a mix of curiosity and fear.

"You smell sexy. Can we have babies?"

"Why were you smelling me?"

"If you're allowed to mind rape me, I'm allowed to smell you. Capiche?"

"Why must you be so weird?!"

"Why must you be so old? OOOOH! SNAP! Can we play snap?"

"I'll snap your-"

"Aro, kill her or turn her, but can we go home soon?"

"If you turn me, can I come live with you?"

"No. You'd stay here."

I huffed and tried to make my eyes tear up. "You'd make me stay here," I pretended to choke on tears. "And eat animals? I DON'T WANT TO KIL L BAMBI!"

I turned to face Marcus and saw he'd raised an eyebrow.

"Yes?"

"You're a weird human."

"You're just jealous because Aro is sexy."

"Yes, that_ must_ be it. Oh Aro, show me your ways." Marcus rolled his eyes and disappeared. I turned back to Aro.

"Now that tall, dark and creepy is gone-"

"I HEARD THAT!"

"Can we make babies?"

"You are obsessed with having children!"

"Only yours… I want a baby to rip my stomach open! WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE BELLA?!" I was screaming in his face exasperatedly and he pushed me backwards.

"Oh the rejection… I'll never get over it." A sniffle. "Aro, I'll always love you, but god you're a bastard!"

"And I have a wife."

"Bet you she can't have kids."

"YOU ARE INSUFFERABLE!"

"Just imagine how much better I'd be as a vampire."

Aro's face blanched, if it could go any whiter, and his eyes opened wide. Caius stopped at the doorway and was about to say something when Marcus bumped into him, Carlisle bumped into Marcus, Esme behind him and then the domino effect continued with Edward, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice, and Bella.

"Vampire pile up much?"

From underneath the pile of tangled vampires came two strangle cries of what I assumed to be: "DON'T CHANGE HER ARO!"

"Was that, change her, or don't?"]

"DOOOOOON'T!" The vampires had sorted themselves out now, but Caius was still lying on the floor.

"Fuck you're lazy Caius. This is no time for a nap, Aro's about to turn me and I can come and live with you in Volterra."

"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Caius, if I'd known _you_ wanted to change me…"

"NO! ARO! We're leaving." Caius threw me aggravated glares as he stood up.

"But we never-"

"NOW!"

"This has got to be her worst day ever," Edward remarked from the doorway.

"This isn't my worst day ever! I once made a teacher cry."

"We can't cry."

"Well that just makes my statement truerer"

"That's not even grammatically correct."

"Why would I care what your bullshit opinion is? Go play your guitar."

"Piano."

"Whatever!"

All this time the Volturi, besides Aro, had been slowly backing toward the door. I turned to Aro, he seemed to be the one that wanted to change me the most. I tipped my head on the side and exposed my neck.

"I'm ready Aro! TURN ME!"

Aro looked from my neck, to the Cullens, to his family, back to me. "On second thoughts, I don't think I will. An eternal you would be the worst thing in history."

I lifted my head and did a quick Cullen check. "Didn't they tell you my theory?"

The Volturi stopped moving and Aro tilted his head slightly. "No, what theory?"

"That I don't age here. Seeing as this isn't my world. I'm an immorta human! ISN'T THAT GREAT?!"

Faces dropped and a sudden silence chilled the air before everyone disappeared. Only Renesmee remained.

"I don't think they like you."

"That's sad. Aro really is quite sexy."

The small freak's eyes narrowed in confusion... or what I assumed to be confusion.

"What?"

"Daddy was right, you're weird."

"Funny. You shouldn't exist, you little freak, and yet you do. Now who's weird, hmm?" I cocked my head triumphantly until she started to look like she was about to cry. As soon as the first sniffle was out of the way, I ran for it.

I made it to the library and had just shut the door when it reopened and Carlisle and Aro came in. They shut the door behind them. I screamed. "I DIDN'T MEANT IT! SHE WAS INCITEFUL!" I ducked down behind a chair, but kept my eyes over the arm. "Edward isn't coming in here is he?" This time Aro AND Carlisle ran their hands over their face.

"No. He's not."

"Phew!" I stood up and sat down in the chair. "Lucky break." Aro looked at Carlisle with what I _knew_ was confusion.

"Yes, she's pretty much _always_ like this."

"That'll make my week easier then. So I should watch my back?"

"Just move quickly."

"ARO'S STAYING?!" Wait... that meant he'd have a gaurd... "Are the others?"

"No. Jane and Alec are both staying though."

"Aren't they like... twelve?"

Carlisle's face suddenly changed to that of someone who'd just realized something pivotal.

"Edward, call Jacob."

The puppies? What did he want with them? Aro looked just as confused as I was feeling. Poor baby, his stay was turning out horribly. It was one confusion to the next for him, but I couldn't feel completly sorry for him, most of that confusion had, or would, be caused by me.

No-one said anything for about half an hour when the door opened and Jacob, Seth and Edward walked in. The wolves looked less then pleased by Aro's appearance and a slight shudder ran through both of them. It didn't subside.

"Don't get angry at Aro, he's a good guy."

Aro, behind everyone, smiled a little. Jacob turned to me, then to Carlisle and Edward.

"You're sure?"

"Yes." Both of them replied together.

This is about the time I got a little worried and started to stand.

"This time you're going to have fun. We've got activities!"

Thank you Seth for your mistakes. I jumped from my chair and tried to run somewhere, sadly, the Cullens had nothing in the room but books and chairs.

"NO! I shall'n't leave with you!"

"Too bad." Jacob was across the room and had me over his shoulder before I could react. De ja vu. I relaxed and tried to become as much dead weight as I could. It didn't both Jacob at all.

"ARO! HOW COULD YOU LET THEM DO THIS!"

Aro was talking to Carlisle and nodding. Well then, "Here comes the fun."

**I'm dreadfully sorry it took me so long to get this up. I also can't tell you when the next one is coming out. Sorry to keep you waiting, again, but I've recently been granted a life with the completion of High School and I don't want to waste it. Consider this a late Cristmas present. Take care readers!**

**Also, I've kind of lost a lot of creativity lately, give me some ideas of what you want to see in the next chapter.**


	25. You've got a lot to learn

**Jasper: Lillian isn't here right now, so I can do whatever damn disclaimer I want.**

…**. Don't kid yourself sonny. I'm **_**always**_** here.**

Jasper: … WTF?! How did you do that?

**I'm a fucking ninja. Do the disclaimer.**

Jasper: This is the disclaimer.

**OMG! JASPER YOU'RE LEARNING! I'm so proud of you right now!**

Jasper: Thanks. ON WITH THE STORY!

**-tears up-** **That was wonderful.**

Brown. Everything here had a brown sort of look to it. I hated it. Jacob sat opposite me, engaged in current my staring contest, the last two of which he won. I was determined not to blink this time, but he was quite good.

"JAC-OMG! What the hell is she doing back here?!" Sam stopped suddenly as he rounded the shed and Jacob looked away.

"YOU FORFIET MUTLEY!" I yelled triumphantly and turned to Sam.

"The Cullen's have got their 'cousins' over. One way to provoke leech Royalty: stick Lillian in the same room. If we didn't take her they'd probably kill us all for letting her live."

"God Jacob, you make it sound as if everyone hates me."

Jacob and Sam shared a look as Seth ran in with three soda bottles. He took a look at Sam and started to turn.

"It's okay Seth, I don't feel thirsty anymore." The bike that he'd made for himself from Bella's pile of junk stood in the corner, gathering dust. I stood up and walked over to it, eager to see just what Stephanie Meyer had been thinking. It was an alright looking bike… she probably had someone else write _that_ description, after all, why would she want to deviate from "". Mmm, why indeed.

"I don't care if you push her off a cliff, I won't blame you, Jacob." God Sam was so negative! I wasn't _that_ bad. I spun around to face all three of them and tripped on a piece of cloth, stumbled back and fell backwards over the bike.

"Ow." I muttered, standing back up. "Before I was rudely interrupted in my impressive turn by Jacob's filthy garage floor, I was about to say: This isn't half as bad as what I can act. Should I go into fan mode?" I was hoping they said no… or yes, it really didn't matter, I was going to anyway. They'd be begging me to go back to normal, and then I'd be a fanly girl for a few more days… this would work wonders on Edward's emotional destabilization. HA ALICE! You stupid future reading loser, you can't see what I'm going to do. I smirked.

"Can you just act… you know, _normal_, for once? That'd be nice."

"But there's no fun in that for me." They'd spoken, time to turn on the fanliness. Deep, quick breathing. Chest moving to compensate for idiotness. Hand waving face. "OMGILIEKTOTALLYLOVEYOUWOLVES! I don't care what the stupid vampires say, you are like… my favourite people." I ran and jumped on Jacob, hugging him tightly. "We're gonna get married, an have wolf babies, and live with Billy…. Your dad _is_ Billy right?"

"Saaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaam?"

"Sam can be your best man at the wedding. Can we back it woodsy color themed? Like brown and tan and OMG RUSSET! Just like your wolf color!" I closed my eyes and squeeled in his ear. "THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST DAY OF OUR LIVES!""SAM FOR GOD SAKE STOP LAUGHING! HELP ME!"

Sam and Seth had collapsed and were rolling around holding their sides. My plan was perfect. "I'm going to go talk to Billy. Do you think he'll want to be the ring bearer?"

"I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU! Hell, I don't even _like_ you."

"That's okay my snookie wookums sweetie pie, we've got forever to get to know each other." I smiled satisfactorily before I turned and skipped up to the house and pushed open the door like I owned this house too.

"CHAR- … no, wrong person. BILLY! Guess what, I'm going to be your daughter in-law! Isn't that exciting? Now, I want to talk to you about the color scheme, Jacob is a little bit… well, he's a boy, what does he know?"

Billy looked at me from his position in front of some fishing show with a mix of horror and something that I may have confused with wanting to kill himself. I sat down on the couch and leant back.

"Don't worry, I'm not really going to marry him. I'd prefer someone a little more… human. Y'know? Unless it's Aro. That vampire is goddamn sexy!" Billy looked slightly relieved and turned back to his show. I stood up and went to the window that had a full view of the shed.

"SNOOKUMS! BILLY SAID HE LIKES THE COLOR SALMON! WHAT DO YOU THINK?!"

"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Jacob went to leap out of the shed but Sam grabbed him by the waist and dragged him backwards. "DON'T AGREE DAD! DON'T AGRE-" He was silenced and I closed the window, still smirking and went back to Billy, who'd changed the channel to baseball.

"The Cullen's play baseball when there's a thunderstorm." The channel changed. "I know, kinda lame right? Ha."

There was silence in the house while the sky outside got dark. Jacob came in for a moment, looked at me, spoke to Billy and left about an hour ago. The fishing channel was still on.

"Do you know how to drive?" He finally turned to me.

"Do I _ever_! Have you got a Mercedes?"

Billy frowned quizzically. "No, want to go to Charlie's?"

"DO I _EVER_!" I yelled enthusiastically, grabbing the handles on his wheelchair and forcing myself not to run to the van. Billy got himself in and I ran around to the driver's side and jumped in.

"CharlieCharlieCharlieCharlie!!!!"

"Alright, let's go." I pulled out quicker than I thought the van could move and Billy and I both sat a little shocked for a minute.

"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US?!" He yelled.

"No, I thought this van was slow as shit."

"Please… drive carefully."

"That's what Charlie said last time." I'd already started driving again as Billy looked at me fear-stricken.

"LAST TIME?!"

"Last time I was in a Mercedes… Carlisle's Mercedes." I tightened my fingers around the steering wheel just remembering that wonderful speed. I smiled, Billy grabbed hold of the dashboard and that little handle above the door.

"Please don't kill us."

"I doubt it. I'm from Australia."

"What does that have to do with driving?"

"Well…. Nothing, but I'm awesome."

"Again, what's it got to do with driving?"

"Nothing."

"Where did you get your driver's license?"

I turned to Billy seriously. "What driver's license?"

Billy's eyes turned to platters. I laughed. "Calm down. I do know how to drive." As if to illustrate my point, I made a perfect gear change as we hit the highway into Forks.

"I might just start believing in God when all this is over."

I pressed down on the accelerator and gripped the steering wheel tightly. "Why does no-one trust me?!" Billy's grip on his saving graces tightened. We zoomed past the 'Welcome to Forks' sign.

"I can't believe no-one trusts me." Zoomed through the main street, it was pretty much empty, and we got both green lights! "I've survived gay-ass _sparkly_ "vampires"." I took my hands off the wheel to emphasis the "vampire" part and Billy grabbed the steering wheel. I glared at him. We entered the residential area. "I've maintained awesomeness in this backwards shitty world, and NO-ONE TRUSTS MY GODDAMN DRIVING!" As soon as I Charlie's house I hoped to hell what I was about to do would work. I slammed on the brakes, pushed that emergency brake thing down and pulled on the steering wheel. The van's rear slid out behind us and connected with an ice patch. The van did a full 360 degrees after that and stopped on the nature strip in front of Charlie's house. The driver's side tilted a little, but slammed back onto the ground. I turned to Billy cheerfully.

"We're here!"

Charlie came running from the house, his hair was a mess and he was wearing some baseball team jacket.

"Hi Charlie." I waved merrily to him as I walked past him and slipped up the stairs. All this time and I still hadn't gotten any shoes. Whatever. I walked into the living room and turned on some music channel while Charlie and Billy went into the kitchen.

"SHE TRIED TO KILL US!"

I'd gotten bored with the music and entered the kitchen. Charlie glared at me, Billy leant back in his wheelchair trying to put more distance between us. I went to the fridge and pulled out a juice carton and an apple. "Edible art." I snickered and walked back into the living room, unscrewed the juice cap and sat down in the chair to face Charlie's widescreen.

From the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of white as some cartoon did something stupid on the TV. I turned to look at the new object of interest and saw Charlie's phone. Long distance, or the Cullens…. I couldn't leap across the lounge room quick enough. I snatched up the phone and slunk up the stairs to Bella's old room and punched in the Cullen's number.

_Ring. Ring._

_Ring. Ring._

_Ring. Ring._

Maybe Aro was smashing the phone with a broom or something… _Ri-_ "Hello?" OMGITWASARO!

"Hi Aro."

"What are you doing?"

"Drinking juice. What are _you_ wearing?"

"…. What?"

"I said WHAT ARE YOU _doing_?"

"Speaking with Carlisle."

"Now?"

"No, he's gone to talk to Edward or something."

"Oh, that's cool." I took a swig from the juice.

"What's it like being a vampire?"

"What?"

"What's it _like_ being a _vampire_?"

"Uhhh…. Cold, I guess."

"Thank you, we now have a _firm_ grasp of the obvious. Do you like being a vampire?"

"Where is this coming from?"

"Nonchalance and ingenuity, do you _like_ being a vampire?"

"I do."

"Why did you let Bella live?"

"I wanted her gifts."

"That's what _he_ said."

"What?"

"Nothing! Are you going to turn me?"

"No."

"Dangit."

"LILLIAN!" Charlie's voice rose from the living room.

"Shit, they've noticed I'm missing."

"Who's-"

"Later. Bye Aro. I still love you."

I hung up the phone and quickly pretended I'd just come out of the bathroom.

"YES CHARLIE?!"

He appeared at the bottom of the stairs as I took another drink and smiled at him.

"Umm… nothing." Charlie turned around and disappeared back into the kitchen. I went back into Bella's room and hit redial.

_Ring. Rin-_

"Hello?"

"Are you always this excited to talk to me?"

"What?"

"Nothing. The human's have been placated. The plan is in progress… um, Aro?"

"Yes?"

"I might probably most likely have accidentally told Charlie that Bella is a vampire… actually, I pretty much told him they were all vampires."

A sigh came from Aro.

"It's alright, I made an excuse. You're secret is probably still safe."

Another sigh. "Where are you?"

"Not with you."

"Obviously, but _where_ are you?"

"On the other end of the phone line."

Everything was silent for a moment.

"Aro?"

"Yes?"

"I'm at Charlie's house… well, I was at Billy's house, but he got me to drive to Charlie's. I don't know where the dog-"

"DAD! DAD!"

"Nevermind, the dog is here as well." A door slammed downstairs and I heard voices.

"I've gotta go. Bye."

The phone disappeared into the drawer and I quickly stood at the window, looking out over Charlie's yard and into the forest. I had the juice carton at my mouth when the door swung open and Charlie and Jacob barrelled into the room. I turned to them and finished my mouthful.

"Everything alright?"

Jacob was breathing heavily.

"I've got a great idea for my wedding dress Jacky pie." Jacob left so quickly you could almost _see_ the air disturbance. Charlie blinked a few times.

"Can I take a nap in here?"

He blinked a few more times, closed the door and I waited until the TV turned back to sport before I got the phone out again.

_Ring. Ring._

_Ring. R-_

"Do you want to talk to Bella?"

Shit, Ho-salie knew Charlie's number. I hung up.

…

…

Redial.

_Ring. Ring._

_Ri-_

"Charlie, are you okay?"

Stupid mole. "Mmmhm." I tried to make my voice as deep as possible.

"Are you sure?"

"A little sick." Again, I tried to make my voice as deep as possible, as well as American and sickly.

"BELLA! YOUR HUMAN FATHER IS SICK!"

"NO! FUCK! I'm sorry. Put Aro on."

"LILLIAN?!"

She seemed genuinely surprised.

"Who else would it be?"

"Ummm, Charlie. You know, since it's _his_ phone line."

"… Oh yeah. Put Aro on."

"No. Why aren't you at the mutt's house?"

"Well, I turned all fan girly for Jacob, then spent some time with Billy and he wanted to come to Charlie's house. So he made me drive here and then he accused me of trying to kill him and so I rang your house and spoke to Aro."

Rosalie had been trying to get in a word, but I hadn't let her. I smirked as she stumbled over her words for a moment. "YOU SPOKE TO ARO?!"

"Twice. He's really nice."

"You really are a fucking idiot."

"And you really are blonde."

"… The blonde jokes are old. Get some new material."

"So that means no blonde jokes?"

"Lillian, get off the phone."

"Oh, hai Charlie! She rang me."

"I DID NOT!"

"Lillian?"

"WOOO! ARO LEARNT HOW TO PICK UP A PHONE!"

"GET OFF LILLIAN!"

"She rang me Charlie. Send her back to Billy's house."

"Why did you-"

"SHUT UP!"

"HEY, this is my-

"-and then we'll talk about-"

"I LOVE CACTUS!"

"LILLIAN GET OFF THE PHONE!" All three of them yelled it this time, only Charlie had actually come into the room and was yelling at me. He grabbed the phone I had, pulled it away and turned into the phone he had. "I'm sorry. Goodbye." He turned to me. "Can you just stay out of trouble for one day?"

I was taking a drink and shook my head. To my utter surprise, Charlie snapped on a set of cuffs before I could retaliate.

"What the hell?"

"I think a cell at the station is the only way to stop you from getting into trouble."

A pause.

"Can I take the juice?"

He ran a hand down his face. "Yes. Fine."

"And can I keep my shoelaces?"

He looked down at my feet. "You aren't wearing shoes."

"That doesn't answer my question, Charlie."

"Yes, you can keep your laces."

"Okay. Let's go." I jumped up, grabbed the apple and walked out ahead of Charlie. I trotted downstairs, into the living room and looked at Jacob and Billy.

"I'm going to spend the night in a jail cell. See you tomorrow." Then I walked out to the cruiser. Charlie followed the whole way.

"Can I have the juice cap?"

"Where is it?"

"In my pocket."

Charlie's mouth thinned and he closed his eyes for a moment. His breath out was shaky.

"Yes. You can have the juice cap." He opened the back door and I slid in. This was so cool. I was riding in a POLICE CAR! Charlie looked at my feet again and ran inside for a moment after he shut the door. No precautions. When he came back out he was holding a pair of shoes and socks.

I didn't get the shoes and socks until we got to the station… and I was put in the cell. Then Charlie left and I was all alone.

"Oh, this kinda sucks. I don't want to be here alone." I put the socks and shoes on and rubbed my wrists. Charlie had taken the cuffs off and put a whole bunch of blankets on the weird concrete bed.

"Yeah… Charlie, I don't think so." As a child I'd been good as escapism and slipping through cracks. Now wasn't really any different. It was like that old hag's fence when I'd lost my basketball. In and out. Except this time it was just out. I'd sort of obey the Cullen's this time. Outside I turned to the way we'd come and started walking.

10 hours of walking/running later

Dawn was breaking through the clouds by the time I emerged from the forest and into Billy's yard. Why the hell did he have to live so far away! I stumbled around the back, to the shed, and kicked off the shoes before I collapsed on the couch and cuddled myself. It was a long, cold, exhausting walk and I fell asleep quickly.

**There you have it. Update number… 25 now? Wow, this has come a long way from an idiotic attempt at humour. I thank those that have come all this way from chapter one, to those that reviewed, to those that just read it. Without your support I probably would have stopped at five chapters. I hope our strange relationship continues to the end (will there even be one of those?) of this story.**


	26. It just got worse

Jasper: Did you know: It's dawn outside Lillian's house, and she's writing this chapter after just having finished the last one, just to appease the in pour of three or four reviews from the last chapter telling her to update.

**-snore-**

Jasper: Please send coffee..

Rosalie: … It's times like this I hate calling you my brother.

Jasper: Get fucked. I want to learn how to drive a car!

Rosalie: And it didn't occur to you to ask one of us?

Jasper: … she drives better.

…**. Ownage… Stephanie Meyer….bitch… -mumble mumble-**

Jasper: … No it didn't.

I don't know how long it was when by the time I woke up again. But Charlie was there. Greeting me with that "how the fuck did you get out" look. I rubbed my eyes, yawned and rolled over.

"Get up."

"What time is it?"

"Four in the afternoon."

"Not likely. Did you know I walked all the way here."

"Fantastic. Car. Now."

I yawned again. "I learnt my lesson. No talking on Charlie's phone or I spend a long lonely night walking for fucking ages through the dirty and wet forest while it rains. My hair will never recover. Good night."

I heard Charlie shuffling.

"No driving."

He inhaled through his nose.

"No moving or speaking whatsoever?"

"Oh shit, if only she could do that!"

"I will if you FUCK OFF AND LET ME GO TO SLEEP!" I was on my feet in moments, but swayed due to A) Exhaustion and B) I hadn't had a coffee in about three weeks and it was only now starting to detox, if that was any indication to how much I drank.

"Coffee goes in, sarcasm comes out. I love you Loripop." I yawned again and swayed. Charlie shook me and I snapped awake. "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!"

"Come on, let's get you to a bed." Jacob came up and started to steer me away. I glared at him.

"And how many times do I have to tell you to put the fucking peanut butter away?"

Jacob turned to Charlie who looked worriedly at me.

"Worst case of sleep exhaustion I've-"

Something happened after that, but I can't remember. The next time I woke up it was dark, and warm. My mind instantly thought I'd been put in a bed with Jacob and I pushed and kicked out at the nearest solid object and found myself on the floor, entangled in a warm, fuzzy blanket.

"Well, that was a relief." I rumbling started in my stomach and I looked around. Not Billy's house. This confused me to no end until a woman walked in. I balked a little but regained my composure. Emily. Wtf was I doing at Sam's house? He hated me!

"Are you hungry?"

"I could do with a coffee… or fifty."

Emily laughed. It was a nice laugh. "We don't have coffee here." Something just dislodged the planets and a silence settled over the house. No… coffee? No.. coffee… no coffee? WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T HAVE COFFEE?! I think my face gave away my emotion.

"We have green tea."

"You're all fucking insane. I want my magical couch back. I want to go home… I want coffee…."

"We can always get coffee. There's not need to swear, or call anyone names."

"There's always time for swearing."

Don't mention the scars…. Don't mention the scars.

"You know, there's operations that could fix that."

Wrong time. Sam had entered and glared at me, shaking.

"I'M SORRY! It's a reflex! She's really quite pretty. And she's got a nice laugh."

Sam's shaking dulled as he walked over and pulled Emily into a protective and loving hug. I made vomit noises and walked outside. "I'd rather drown." I heard Sam say 'Please' before I could shut the door. Wolves, so temperamental… or just mental. I hadn't decided yet. The front… garden, to the house was full of stuff, including the rest of the pack. They were all watching me.

"Hi."

"Hi." Unanimous response. Kinda creepy.

"Paul still have a muzzle?" Another wrong. Someone who's name I forgot grabbed Paul's shoulder and whispered something in his ear. Leah was lounging around on a chair and studying her nails intently and the other members all dissolved quickly into a loud chattering mess that made my head hurt. I turned around and went back inside. Not safe anywhere, and what where the "activities" Seth had spoken of? Sam and Emily had separated and a huge pile of pancakes was stacked on the bench.

"Breakfast!" Emily called suddenly. I leapt back as the wolves moved in at wonderful speeds. What time was it? The sun hadn't even risen yet! Emily turned to me.

"Hungry?"

Everyone turned to me.

"No."

Queue everyone looking away.

I started to walked around the wall, sticking as close to it as was possible and quietly made it out of the door and into the garden. I had to escape. Or at least…. Oh screw it. I turned around and walked back in. Sam and Jacob had both been looking at me and I saw Seth sneakily fork Jacob's remaining pancake onto his own plate. Sam was protecting his more thoroughly with a fork.

"Juice?"

"What?"

"Juice?"

"Do want some juice?"

"No, I want a fucking rocket ship. Yes I want some juice, you idiot."

Sam stood up, downed his pancakes in record time and walked over to the fridge. He pulled out my juice bottle from Charlie's house. He held it out. I walked over to him and reached out to grab it. He lifted it just out of arms reach. The wolves and Emily started laughing.

"You suck at irritating."

"Must suck not being able to get your beloved juice."

"Give me the juice, and I I'll let you keep the baby maker."

Sam slowly undid the cap, of which I'd put back on sometime during my walk. It was all a horrible blur of green, brown and rain. He raised the carton. I narrowed my eyes. Closer…. Closer…. I leapt for his chest and reached out for the carton at the same time. I just grabbed the top and pulled it down and Sam pushed me off him. The juice flowed out of the carton and all over my head and shirt and dripped onto my pants. Sam lifted the carton before more could come out. I start shaking, and held out my hand for the carton. Sam gave it to me. I drank what was left and threw the empty carton at his head and walked out. He caught it before it hit and then lapsed into laughter.

Outside, I didn't stop walking. I didn't know where Emily's house was, or how to get out, but I figured taking the drive way was a good start. The wolves very quickly caught up, still laughing, and I stayed fuming.

"We're going to the cliffs, wanna come?"

"I don't think I have a choice, do I?

"Not really, no."

"Then I guess I'll come."

Twenty minutes later Collin, Brady, Leah, Jared, Embry and Quil had all jumped off the highest cliff and were treading water down below. Sam, Paul, Seth and Jacob were still up on the cliff with me. Paul was getting a run up now.

"Show off."

He smirked and flicked his head. "Not yet. But watch this." He ran at the edge, jumped, and did a series of flips before he hit the water.

"You gonna have a go, Lillian?"

"Not on your fucking life, Jacob."

"Oh come on, I'll need a wife that likes adventure."

"I wouldn't marry you if the world were about to end and our union was the only thing that could save it."

"Oh, I'm cut."

Seth dove off the edge of the cliff and somersaulted until he splashed into the sea.

"When I say I want to be like Bella, I don't mean it. I'm not a suicidal freak with a strung out virginal 109 year old boyfriend. I'm surprised he knew how to use it after 109 years of abstinence, I bet you he didn't even climb the mango tree. You know, because Stephanie Meyer's religion doesn't accept that sort of behaviour… and God would have killed a mountain lion."

Jacob and Sam looked at each other again.

"So are you going to jump?"

I looked at Sam. "You may be tall, tanned and wolfy, but you're an idiot."

"Jacob?"

"Yeah, alright."

Sam started walking backwards with a smirk and did a backwards flip off the cliff.

"Yeah, impressive." I stepped backwards and waved Jacob on. He advanced towards me. I caught on.

"I'm not going down. No way, no how."

"We were told to show you a good time."

"You have booze, coffee and David Tennant?" My future lit with a spark of hope.

"Umm… no."

"Booze, coffee and Robert Downey Jr?"

"No again."

"Robert Pattinson? I'll settle for a Brit, but that one must have a paper bag or _something_." I thought of Edward and chortled.

"Again, no."

"What about booze and coffee? Boobs?"

"No." Jacob started sighing. Sighing was never good.

"Booze?"

"No." Sigh.

"Boobs?"

"No." Another sigh.

"WHAT KIND OF BACKWARDS WORLD DO YOU LIVE IN?! No booze, coffee, boobs, David Tennant _OR _Robert Downey Jr! You poor, poor, mormon propaganda created souls."

"You're going over the cliff."

I turned and started to run. Jacob caught up to me easily.

"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Unfortuneately, pure wishing and screaming didn't stop Jacob from jumping off the cliff edge with me to his chest, flipping and splashing into the water at fuck knows what speed. I came up with him, spluttering and coughing up sea water while trying to wash it out of my eyes.

"SOMETHING IS IN MY EYE!"

"It's your finger." I don't know who said it, but they were right.

"Hmmm, how'd that get there. OH MY GAWD! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!"

"Let's go again!" That was Jacob. His body wracked with laughter and I tried pushing away from him. He was holding quite tightly.

"Jacob, you just have to ask if you want to hug me." That did the trick. I pushed off his stomach and got about three feet when someone jumped on me and dragged me under. More coughing and spluttering. "WHICH WAY IS UP! I'M DROWNING!" I splashed around for a moment until I sucked in something close to fresh air and then my paranoid mind set in. Sea, sharks, coral, seaweed, creatures of the water. Sam was swimming unfortunately close to me and I lunged for his back, dragging him under while I tried to climb up to some form of land, which at the time, I thought _was_ his back. Jacob sprung into action and dragged me off. I started kicking and freaking out and hyperventilating until I felt the ground beneath my feet, then I was halfway up the bank before any of them could stop me.

I turned around when I figured it was safe and concentrated on slowly my pounding heart. Sam, Jacob and Seth ran up after me, slow on the uptake. None of them were laughing.

"Are you alright?"

I didn't answer. Biggest fear in the whole entire universe: water. The ocean to be more specific. I once almost drowned my mum because she tried to make me snorkel in a coral reef. She never did that again.

"Lillian?"

Their words drowned out as my imagination, coupled with the fear, made me start hallucinating as I looked at the ocean. I swear that was a fin. I don't care if it was a dolphin, they'd probably nudge me death! I started shaking. I could feel the tears welling up.

"Lillian!?" Jacob had grabbed my shoulders and was shaking me lightly. I looked up at him and hugged him. Not something I'd usually do, but he could turn into a giant wolf, he could rip those nudge-y dolphins noses right off! "Lillian, are you alright?"

"Shit Jacob, she's paralysed. She can't even speak!"

Someone wrapped a towel over my shoulders and Jacob separated us long enough to wrap it around my shoulder in a more comfortable position. Their words dulled out again and I only vaguely remember going back to Jacob's house.

Apparently someone had gone to the Cullens, because Carlisle and a new set of clothes were waiting for me. Jacob steered me towards the bathroom, grabbed the clothes on the way through and shoved me and the clothes into the bathroom, he also gave me a towel… a new towel. I stood shaking for a few minutes before I climbed into the shower and turned on the hot water. I was freezing!

When I was kind of sure the gunk had been washed out, I finally declothed, dried and changed. Then I stood again, still shaking. That little foray into insanity still playing through my head. I pulled my arms up to my chest to try and stop the shivering that had set in, and Jacob finally knocked and opened the door. Carlisle was behind him. Jacob moved out of the way and Carlisle set to work. He flashed a little light at my eyes and told Jacob to get a blanket.

"Lillian?" He waved his hand in front of my face and clicked his fingers a few times. I was slow to respond and turned to look at him. "Lillian, are you alright? How do you feel?"

It was Carlisle's turn to be enveloped in a hug of tightness. He picked me up, still in the hug, and walked back to the living room. Jacob had a hot water bottle and a blanket.

"Well, I don't know how you did it, but she's not talking for a while… also, she's hypothermic. We need to get her body temperature up." Carlisle pried me away from him and I snapped.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" My scream of protest at something even I wasn't sure of dissolved into frantic sobbing. The blanket ended up around my shoulders, and I quickly pulled it over my head and disappeared underneath it. The water bottle touched my toes and was pulled into the safe cave of blanket and cradled close. I couldn't hear what Carlisle and Jacob were talking about. I don't think I really cared.

The blanket lifted and Carlisle's face appeared.

"Lillian, can you understand what I'm saying?" Jacob was standing behind hi, looking a little harrowed. Carlisle clicked his fingers and I turned back to him and nodded.

"Can you do this for me?" He touched his pinky and thumb together. I lifted my hand tried to do the same thing. They were shaking, but not moving much. Carlisle bent forward and looked at both of my ears, then my lips. He lifted my hand and checked my fingers. He said something to Jacob who ran out and reappeared a few seconds later with his arms laden with blankets. They both started packing them around me and Carlisle kept saying something to which Jacob kept replying 'Fuck, fuck. I didn't know. Shit. Fuck.'. While this usually would have been funny to me, I didn't feel anything. Jacob disappeared again and Carlisle started clicking his fingers in front of my face. I closed my eyes and tried to pull the blanket back over my head, but I just tipped over. I slowly rolled into a ball from there, but Carlisle was always at eye level with me, and shaking me when I tried to get some sleep. He kept clicking his fingers too. Jacob came back and stood over Carlisle's shoulder as they packed me with hot water bottles. I tried pushing the away, but they wouldn't let me. Carlisle pushed aside some of the blankets and Jacob was suddenly hugging me.

We went from being in the living room to what I assumed was Carlisle's car. Jacob was still hugging me and I was still covered in blankets and water bottles.

An EMERGENCY sign flashed briefly overhead and I was placed on a trolley. The blankets and water bottles were still there, but Jacob wasn't hugging me anymore.

The blankets were being taken off me and Jacob was standing at my head. Sam had joined us and was on the other side.

"Niught." I tried grabbing at the blankets but Jacob and Sam both put a hand on my shoulder and held me down. The shivering stopped and I relaxed. Now they'd let me go to sleep. Or a coffee… they'd get me a dog. Everything stopped momentarily, and then a flurry of activity started.

Carlisle's POV

I would never get over the smell of Esme's hair. Her neck. The sleek curve it made to her ear and her perfect jaw line. I ran my nose along it and kissed just below her ear, where her head met her neck. She giggled softly and turned her head to me. I smiled into her hair and her fingers divided mine and laced through them. Our hands rested on her stomach as we stood on the back porch and looked through the forest. Nothing in there could match my Esme, but she did love nature.

"Carlisle." Her sweet voice sounded worried and I was immediately put on alert.

"Esme?"

"One of the wolves."

I took a breath in. Indeed. Leah, if I was to be any judge of their smells. Edward appeared beside us and the door closed behind him quietly. I turned to him, hoping for some kind of information. It wasn't right to rely on him for his abilities, but the only time Leah came here was when she was with Jacob or Seth, and Leah's scent was singular this time. Edward looked at me and shook his head lightly. Jasper, Alice and Bella soon joined us. If the whole family was getting involved, it must be important. Alice shook her head lightly as well. I never let go of Esme, but I moved to her side and wrapped my arm protectively around her waist. I saw Jasper moved to stand in front of Alice slightly at the same time.

"Jasper?"

"Something's wrong. She's worried, or scared."

"And she's not thinking clearly Carlisle."

Alice didn't have to input, we all knew of the loop hole the wolves had in her power. She looked immensely upset, even now.

Leah broke through the trees moments later, as a human, and clothed. She was breathing heavily.

"Sam… and Jacob… sent me… It's Lillian."

Every single one of us swapped a confused glance. Edward had the smallest of smirks.

"What did she do this time?" I asked, relaxing my hold on Esme a fraction.

"Nothing. She's like… walking comatose or something. Please…"

When it came to Lillian, I was kind of unwilling to leave. The amount of stress she put on anyone she came into contact with was unmatched by anything I knew of. But the pleading in Leah's voice made me straighten up. Leah hated us, maybe not as much as she used to, but she would never ask us for help unless the situation was dire. I was about to ask for more information when she turned and broke for the trees.

"I'll be back soon." Our adopted children disappeared as I turned to Esme and put my nose back to her throat. "I'll miss you." We shared a kiss before I made for the car.

It took me twenty-five minutes to get to Jacob's house, that much information Edward had quickly passed onto me before I left the garage. Alice was also in the garage when I went to leave, she handed me some clothes and threw Edward an envying look. He rolled his eyes and turned back to the house. Sam was waiting as I pulled up and he was pacing frantically.

"Hurry up, Jacob'll be here soon." He opened the door, a little unwillingly, and I walked in with the clothes Alice had given me. If that's all this was about, I was seriously thinking of just killing her, treaty be damned. Billy waved a hand towards the kitchen before Paul came in and the three of them left.

When Jacob did burst in, I stood up and went to leave until I saw him lead a shivering, shaking, dripping Lillian through the house. He grabbed the clothes off me and a towel out of his hall closet before he pushed Lillian into the bathroom with the towel and clothes. He marched back to me, visibly shaken.

"I don't know what happened! We were just cliff diving! It was all in good fun. She did seem to be joking around, and then she just kinda flipped. Collin and Brady pulled her under for a second, she was fine! And then she… that's when she flipped. Sam swam past her and she sort of tried to… I don't know, get onto his back, stand on him. I don't know! I pulled her off and she got violent. She was kicking and hitting at anything and everything. When we got to the shore… I've never seen an athlete move quicker. It was like someone was after her, trying to kill her! And then she got all silent and started shaking and it just got worse!" Jacob stopped for a second and lifted his head as the shower started running. His head dipped quickly again and he resumed the pacing he'd started.

"She wouldn't answer us, she wouldn't talk. She looked… she looked dead. Like all her color drained from her and she couldn't see us. She kept looking at the water. We didn't know what had happened. When we tried to get her back to Sam's house she started stumbling and tripping and she couldn't hold anything! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON CARLISLE?!"

I already knew what was wrong, but if she was turning on a shower by herself, she might be recovering. "So what made you come back to your house?"

"She started… she threw up and I could feel her getting cold. I tried to keep her close to my body to warm her up. But she just got colder and kept shivering. Then we got here."

The shower turned off and both of us started down the hallway. Jacob knocked a few times and slowly opened the door. Lillian was standing, staring at the wall, shivering so violently, even though it was apparent by the steam in the room that she'd just had a completely hot shower. She turned to look at us and Jacob moved out of the way so I could get past him.

One thing I always carried with me was my pen-light. I wouldn't be able to feel the cold on Lillian, but I could definitely see it. I held her eyes open one at a time and flashed the light across. Her pupils reacted, good sign.

"Jacob, get a blanket." Jacob vanished almost as quickly as a vampire. "Lillian?" I waved my hand in front of her face as she'd gone back to staring at the wall. The wolves were right to call me. If we couldn't get this under control here we'd need to rush her to ER. When she didn't respond to the hand waving I started clicking my fingers, hoping the noise would attract her attention. It worked, but slowly. "Lillian, are you alright? How do you feel?"

Lillian reached forward in a stumbled lurch and grabbed hold of my waist. All this on the second day. I picked her up so her feet were free of the ground and walked back into the living room. I scoped quickly for the best spot and saw the corner of the couch, closest to the wall. Jacob was ready with a blanket and a hot water bottle.

"Well, I don't know how you did it, but she's not talking for a while… also, she'd hypothermic. We need to get her body temperature up."

I separated Lillian from my torso and put her in the corner. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I flinched at the shrillness from her scream and grabbed the blanket Jacob was holding. I wrapped it around her shoulder where she quickly pulled it over her head. Jacob put the water bottle at her feet and that disappeared into the blanket.

"It's not looking good Jacob. If we can't raise her temperature she'd going to go into stage 3, shock, and then die."

"So it's bad already then? She's only been like this, what? About an hour. How could it get that bad that quick?!"

"It can happen Jacob." We both fell silent and turned to watch the blanket. I couldn't let her sit there shivering. I had to see exactly how far she'd regressed into this. If she could still move her limbs, she'd be alright. I lifted the blanket.

"Lillian, can you understand what I'm saying?" Jacob stepped up behind my shoulder and Lillian's gaze shifted to him. I clicked my fingers in front of her, hoping to get the same reaction as last time. It worked, but it was just as slow. She nodded.

"Can you do this for me?" I held my hand up and touched my pinky and thumb together. She lifted her hand and tried to focus on it. I could tell she was trying, but all she was doing was shivering.

"It's definitely bad now Jacob." I leaned forward and moved the hair away from her ears and checked the lobes. Both were a slightly blue color. I looked at her face, her lips had been a little blue before, but there were worse now. I grabbed her hand and spread her fingers out, checking the tips. All of them were blue. I couldn't even smell the blood in them.

"More blankets."

Jacob came back quickly. I grabbed half of them and we started wrapping her in them.

"A little higher."

"Fuck, fuck."

"It can happen to anyone Jacob. She's not like us."

"I know, I know. Fuck. I didn't expect this!"

"Just help to keep her warm."

"Fuck, fuck. I didn't know. Shit. Fuck."

"Go get some more water bottles." Lillian's eyes were starting to haze over and I started clicking again. She was unresponsive this time. Her head tipped back and she was about to fall off the couch. I laid her on the floor as she slowly rolled into a ball. When clicking didn't work, I started shaking her lightly.

"Lillian, don't go to sleep. Stay awake. Come on."

Every time she even looked like she registered my voice I clicked my fingers, hoping she'd look at them. When Jacob came back with the water bottles I put them behind her back. She squirmed slightly, but I pushed her back into them.

"Jacob, she needs warmth."

I didn't need to tell him twice. I pulled back the blankets and he wrapped his arms around her.

"Everyone needs a space heater, right?"

I pulled out my cell and flipped it open, first to dial Esme. She picked up almost instantly. "Esme, it's serious. We're going to have to take her to ER."

"_What's wrong Carlisle?"_

"She's entering stage 3 hypothermia."

"_Will she be alright?"_

"If we hurry. I'll call you when we've got news… I love you."

"_I love you too, Carlisle."_

If I were human a shiver would have run through my spine and my heart would have pounded. I hit another speed dial number.

"_Forks Hospital, how can I help._

"It's Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I've got a patient entering stage three hypothermia. I need you to be ready as soon as I arrive. I'm driving a black Mercedes."

"_Yes Dr. Cullen. They'll be ready."_

"Thank you."

I snapped the phone shut.

"Get her up, we've got to get her to the hospital." Jacob lifted her up and we both ran out to the car. I held the door open for him and they resumed the space heater trick in the back. I ran back and shut Jacob's door.

"FUCK THE DOOR!" He yelled. He really did have a mouth.

No doubt Charlie would have been alerted to my call and I drove well over the speed limit to get Lillian there on time.

"Give me your phone Carlisle."

I passed it over without complaint and listened as he rang Sam and told him to meet them at the hospital. He handed the phone back and as soon as we were close I spoke again.

"Wrap her up Jacob. I don't think they'll believe you're a super-warm shape shifter."

"Yeah… right." He was quick and had her head in his lap as we pulled into the car park. A gurney and four medical staff were waiting as I pushed on the break.

I was out of the car before anyone had a chance to move and had to move infuriatingly slow as they rushed forward. I had Lillian out and put her on the gurney before we rushed in and I wrote down what I knew about her. Why didn't I get more information!

Up in the ward the blankets were getting taken off and hypothermia blankets were being prepared. Sam bust into the room and he and Jacob took up a Virgil next to Lillian's head.

"Hufgnejuilkf!" Lillian tried to sit up and the boys each put a hand on a shoulder. All of a sudden, her shivering stopped and her chest barely moved. I became a statue, I didn't even breathe in the time before the silence suddenly snapped and the medical staff started to really move. We had half an hour at best.

**Ooooooh! I didn't know where this chapter was going to go, it was as much a surprise to me as it was to you, but I'm quite satisfied with it. It could well be one of my favourites. Hope you guys liked it. I had to get this out before I posted the one before, but you'll have to wait about a week for the next chapter as I'm going into a no-net zone for a week. If you're lucky, I might post another two…. Or four.**

**Also, I really wanted to bring across the human element in this chapter, up until now nothing serious has happened to her. Time for me to have some fun. -smirk giggle-**

**While you're waiting, here's something I want in your reviews:**

**1) What is your favourite chapter, and why?**

**2) What is your favourite memorable line?**

**I'll tell you mine next time I update.**

**Keep them reviews spinning, they make my inbox happy.**


	27. Carlisle's POV

**Jasper: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAA! Oh the information in this chapter.**

**Laugh all you want you red neck hick. I will wake up.**

Jasper: …..

**And I won't teach you how to drive.**

Jasper: … I'm sorry.

**Good boy.**

Jasper: Lillian doesn't own it, although, I really think she should.

**You know, no-one really cares about the disclaimer. It's just a triviality that means we don't get sued by some dumb ass idiot.**

Jasper: o.O So then why am I doing it?

**Because I fucking told you to!**

Jasper: -sigh- Story time!

Someone had pushed Jacob and Sam out of the way and the former was now sitting on a chair with his head in his hands. Chemical heats packs had been put under her arms, over her chest, around her groin and in the small of her back. I couldn't do anything to help, because I'd just make her worse. I went and stood over next to the boys.

"She'll be alright Jacob. She's probably planning new ways to get on our nerves right now."

"Right now? Right now she's practically in a COMA!"

Jacob started shaking and Sam gripped his shoulder and pushed him back into the chair.

"I'm really not good at cheering up wolves." I mused loudly and turned back to watch the other doctors and nurses. Heat packs had been strapped to her sides and lain over her stomach and someone was laying several thick blankets across her. I started biting my lip and covered my mouth as most of the doctors cleared out. Two nurses remained and the last doctor came over to me.

"Carlisle, she's not looking good."

"I know, but there's always a chance, right?"

"She's not in a coma, she's just unconscious. The machines are coming up now to monitor her. She's got a pulse, but its very weak, and her lungs don't sound like they can take the pressure. Are you alright to look after her? We know you don't like treating cases like this."

Yes, I usually stayed away from the hypothermic patients. Hypertheria, however, was a different story. I nodded. "Yes, yes I'll be fine."

"You didn't fill out her for entirely. Who is she?"

"She just turned up. I only know her name and her age."

"That's not very useful. Should we give her the standard injections?"

"No. I don't understand why she succumbed under this so quickly, she's a remarkably durable person and not prone to sickness… that I know of."

"That you know of."

The doctor handed over the chart and left quickly. When they were trying to undermine me, they always left quickly. But he was right. I knew practically nothing about this serial pain in the gut. I started to scratch my head, out of sheer frustration when I remembered Esme. I put the chart down and moved into a corner.

_Ring. Ring._

"Carlisle? What's happening?"

"She got worse."

I could hear a faint echo and knew she'd put the phone on speaker. The whole family must be gathered. "Edward, stop smirking. She may be annoying, but this isn't something I'd wish on even the Volturi."

"I am here you realize Carlisle."

"Yes, Aro. I know. But you can be damn frustrating sometimes too."

"What happened Carlisle?" Alice. She always wanted what was best for people, just like Esme, even if that person had done them a wrong before.

"She regressed. Her organs are slowing down. But she's not in a coma, and her pupils are still reacting. So there is still hope."

"What's being done?"

"Chemical packs have been applied to every major spot, packed around her torso and she's got about seven blankets on. It's just a matter of wait and see. She's going to be hung up with machinery to watch her."

"I'll be right over."

Alice, you couldn't stop her when she decided to do something. I sighed and rubbed my face. Ten minutes tops and she'd be here, if she didn't take the car.

"Esme…"

There was a slight shuffling sound, a beep and the sound of a door shutting. "What will happen, if she comes out?"

"There's no telling. She's resilient though, I don't think it'll change her."

"What about if she gets worse? She's only a child."

"Esme, I can't…"

"Can't you ask him? Maybe she'd change, we could help her."

"I don't like the idea of her as a human, let alone a vampire, or god help us, a new born!"

"But…"

"I know, she's so young. And it's a waste, it really is Esme. As annoying as she is, she does seem quite bright. But there's nothing I can do."

"Just ask him. For me."

I sighed. I already knew the answer, she knew the answer.

"Yes love, I'll ask. For you."

"Don't spend too long there. Sometimes you work too hard."

"I'll wait until she's hooked up. I love you, Esme."

"And I you, Carlisle."

Jacob was still sitting in the chair as I approached. May as well get it over with. "Jacob." He looked up at me. "There's about a 20% chance she won't survive this. Stage three hypothermia is usually fatal." His face dropped. "Esme asked me to ask you, and I already know what you're going to say-"

"Change her."

I felt like Emmett had slammed into me at a run. "What?"

"I won't let her die on my account. If she has to die, you kill her. You're good at that." Jacob was consumed with anger. He was shuddering under Sam's grip, but his eyes never left Lillian. "I don't care how much she annoyed anyone, I won't be responsible."

"Yeah, well, who's the one that took her for a swim?"

"Jake, come on." Sam guided Jacob out quickly and we exchanged a glance. His telling me to control Alice a little better, as if I could, and I thanking him for getting Jacob out of here. The last thing we needed was destruction in here.

Jasper, naturally, had come with Alice, and the machines followed close behind them. Alice skipped lightly, she never seemed to walk, over to Lillian and put a hand on the blankets before she quickly took it off. Jasper came and sat down stiffly next to me.

"Carlisle?" His deep Texan accent drawled my name.

"It's okay Jasper. Even unconscious she stresses us out."

Jasper gave a light chuckle. I hadn't meant it to be funny, but in a way, it was. Irony really sucked sometimes.

"Can I help? At all?" He wasn't looking at me now. He was looking at Alice, who looked distressed.

"No. Not unless you can raise her body temperature back to 95F."

"How bad is she? What caused it?"

"Stage 3. Unconscious. Organs slowing down. Jacob said they were diving off the cliffs, and then she started to freak out. My guess, something unsettled her so physiologically that it's affected her physically as well."

"What could do that to _her_? I don't think Marie torturing her would have produced results. And look what she did to the Volturi. She drove them off!"

"It's a mystery Jasper. She's a mystery."

"Can't we get more heat packs or something? As much as this is the most peaceful I've ever seen her, it's kind of eerie."

"There's no-where else to put any Alice. The only thing we can't cover is her head and face."

As we spoke, a breathing machine was inserted into her nostrils, and a feeding machine into her mouth while someone else worked on securing a heart rate monitor to her finger, that was useless as the machine flatlined immediately. He stuck a needle in her arm first and then pulled away the blankets to stick a monitor closer to her heart. As the breathing machine set to work, her lungs rose with the fresh air, then deflated as the machine started to regulate her oxygen intake.

"I hate seeing her like this Carlisle."

"Don't we all."

"Not Edward, he couldn't be happier."

I sighed and pulled out my cell.

_Why don't you come down to the hospital? I don't want to leave until she's stable._

Send. I closed the cell and put it away again.

Jasper suddenly sat up straight, very quickly.

"What is it?"

He looked around the room for a moment, confused, before his gaze settled on Lillian.

"She's dreaming."

"What? Are you sure?"

"Yes. But it's not pleasant. She's terrified. Terrified witless. Gah! I wish I had Edward's power right now!"

"Well, you got the next best thing." Edward, Bella and Esme walked in. My wife came right up to me, sat down and wrapper her arms around my neck. Mine wound around her waist, and we sat like that for what seemed like ever, and I wish it could have been. Alice and Jasper left with a quick goodbye. And the Bella and Edward walked over to Lillian. Edward took one look at the machines attached to her and the smile he'd been wearing on entry dissipated.

"Are you happy now Edward?"

He lowered his head and shook it solemnly. "No, Carlisle."

"Is she thinking anything?"

"Lots." He closed his eyes and breathed in sharply. "She sees water. Blue… green. Whi-… she's at a beach. There's seaweed. She's got a creative imagination. You can feel it, even without Jasper, you can feel her hesitation. OW!" Edward stumbled back and caught himself before he knocked over the oxygen machine. He started rubbing his head, but this wasn't just some human thing.

"What's wrong?" We crowed around Edward and he stared at Lillian.

"That was an emotion. That was an emotion so strong it was a thought. It blasted out of her. The sea had risen around her and she was drowning. She couldn't see anything, she couldn't feel where she was. She was hallucinating, seeing sharks and coral and seaweed everywhere. Any bad thing she'd ever heard about the ocean, or about water. She couldn't breath Carlisle. She was terrified. Beyond anything. I don't think staring down the barrel of a lunatics gun would scare her a fraction as what she was feeling just then."

"Lillian? Afraid of something?"

"Jacob said she became paralysed at the beach. She just stood there, looking out at the water, like she couldn't see them. That's IT!"

"What? What's it?"

"When Jacob wanted her to cliff dive, she could see the ocean. She hides everything. She just hid her fear from him the only way she either does, or knows how to. And when he jumped in with her, she was numb for a moment. Isn't that what you said Bella? When you hit the water you just became numb?"

Edward looked away from Bella, Bella looked downcast, but she nodded.

"And when she finally came back up and realized what was going on, she tried to swim away calmly. But… but… UGH! One… no, two of the cubs, one jumped on her back and the other dragged her down at the same time. Jacob said that was when she "flipped". She grabbed for the nearest thing, which in the case had been Sam, and tried to get out of the water. She wasn't thinking clearly! And when Jacob grabbed her from behind, he said she went mental and they swam her back to shore. As soon as they were back, and she could feel the ground, Jacob said he'd never seen someone run so fast, and then she just paralysed.

"So she's scared of the ocean, what does that have to with hypothermia?"

"Think about it, when the two cubs dragged her under, she probably thought something was pushing her under, and something dragging her as well." I was speaking too quickly. Why couldn't they just understand it! "She probably thought it was a shark or something and kicked her imagination into full gear. She would have been petrified beyond belief. And when Jacob and Sam were both trying to calm her down, her physiological trauma would have jumpstarted a number of other things, namely, her physical self, her immune system. Take out the fact that's probably near or below freezing in that water anyway, the cold could have sunk through to her much quicker than it would have been allowed to if she'd been in the right frame of mind."

They were looking at me like I'd gone mad. But Edward's face slowly drew recognition. "So she was so terrified that her whole body started to shut down."

"EXACTLY!"

"Wonderful Carlisle. You're a modern day Sherlock-"

"Brilliant man he was."

Edward looked at me strangely.

"But that still doesn't help our current predicament."

"That… we wait it out."

The mood turned sour again and we all retired to separate chairs. The source of the problem meant nothing on how to get rid of it. And something inside, I don't know what it was, but something told me that she was going to make it through, and that we'd all regret it… maybe I should just turn her now anyway.

"Esme." I whispered and leaned over the chair so I was close to her ear. She stiffled a laugh .

"What?"

"Jacob said I could change her."

**Three chapters, in one day. That has GOT to be a record. By the way, does anyone even read these little end notes that I spend my four extra minutes on. Because I got two replies, both lacking an answer. My little heart cried. So if no-one reads these, I'll just cut them out. If you want them to stay, put jellymuffincupcake in your reply.**


	28. Dreamscape

Disclaimer: **Yeah, don't own. But my dad did suggest putting it published.**

Jasper: You don't want me to do the disclaimer anymore?

**Have you done ten?**

Jasper: No.

**Then yes, I do want you to do the disclaimer, just not this one.**

Jasper: You said I had to do ten in a row.

**Well, now I'm saying you just have to do ten.**

Jasper: Ok.

**Good boy. **

**Now, who would want me to get this published? I would upload maybe another seven-fourteen chapters because I'd have to write a letter to Stephanie Meyer asking for her permission (Oh the woe of my life). But I'd need names.**

**Put the word MANOR into your review if you want me to get it published.**

A darkness flooded resolutely around me. It wasn't the kind of dark small children were afraid of, it wasn't the kind adults were afraid of. It wasn't the kind where you couldn't see anything either. But it was there. Vacant. It was disconcerting to say the very least.

I raised my hand, I could see it, perfectly. They were a strange kind of blue though. I looked up, or at least what I thought was up, but saw nothing. Nothing but black.

I looked back in front of me and started walking. Nothing else for it. The walk seemed never-ending, but I didn't get tired. I did start shivering and sweating though. This seemed a little paradoxical to me and I was about to sit down when I saw a building up ahead. Just standing there in the darkness. I looked around to check that there were no others, as there hadn't been a few moments ago.

There was no sign above the building, but it was obvious that it was a hotel. I walked in and the place was just as vacant as outside, but there was color here, and ends of things. And end to the space. It felt somewhat normal in here, but just as eerie as the darkness outside. The plants sat silently in pots around the hotel foyer and I looked around at them as I walked up to the check in counter. A lock up cabinet was open on the wall and there was a huge pile of mail sitting on the counter next to a guest sign in book. I jumped up over the counter and turned to face everything. The mail first.

_Room 794._

_Room 121._

_Top floor._

I couldn't help but notice the lack of the hotel name, and personage on the envelopes. The post code was non-existent as well. I pushed the pile of boxes, letters and packages until I noticed a black envelope with white bold writing.

_**Lillian**_

_**Check in desk.**_

_**First floor.**_

I looked around again before I picked up the letter, cautiously. There was a letter open near the guest book and I picked it up, flicked it under the seal and put it back. My breath rose and I wiped the sweat off my forehead. Did I really want to open it? Did I really want to know what was inside? I closed my eyes, pushed the flaps aside and went to pull out whatever was inside. There was only a sliver of paper. I pulled it out and slowly opened my eyes.

_BOO!_

There was the distinct smell of sea water coming from the envelope and seaweed had been clumsily drawn on the paper. I flipped it over to see if there was anything else, but it was empty. When I turned it back over, the writing had disappeared and a shark with an open mouth was there instead. I scrunched up the paper and threw it over the counter. It bounced a few times and then rolled to a stop. I watched it for a few minutes, but it didn't move. The envelope was still in my other hand. I opened it again, but nothing was inside. I put it down and turned to the guest book.

All the names had been blacked out, and there were no messages from any of the guests. I flicked through the pages and then slapped the book shut when it proved no results. I leaned down on the desk and studied the front of the book. The insignia of the hotel was a leaf, I don't know from what tree, but I didn't care. The leaves had two swords across it. The insignia was inlaid with gold.

I opened the front cover. It had a blood red fore page. I turned that over too. The hotel's name had been blacked out in a red liquid were the words: **GET OUT NOW!!!**

The words dripped a little and I frowned. Surely not. I ran my fingers across it. It was wet and the words smudged. I stood and lifted my fingers to my face. They were still blue, but the tips had all been slit and the blood pouring out of them wasn't from the book. I yelped and stepped back.

The blank envelop started seeping with water and a piece of seaweed floated out and off the counter, following the water flow. It pooled on the floor and I started to step backwards as it came closer. I hit the bench behind me and watched the water. The piece of paper rolled in through the open half-door. It stopped just before the water edge and unrolled. The water stopped pooling, but it still came out of the envelope. The paper started rolling again and stopped in between me and the water. It rolled out again and this time the painting was a white-yellow color. Everything stopped for a moment. Suddenly, sand billowed out of the paper and started to spread across the carpet. The water raced alongside, keeping even with the sand, which had spread behind me. The hotel slowly started to disappear and when the bench I was leaning against disappeared, I shut my eyes and fell.

When I reopened my eyes, people were running around. Yelling, splashing, throwing Frisbees and balls. Someone jumped over me, stopped, looked back for a moment and then ran after their friends. I stood up quickly and looked around. I was at Bondi. The pavilion was behind me. Something sparkled to my left and I turned quickly, thinking it was one of the Cullens. I thought I saw Jasper for a second. I blinked. It was just a car's rear-view mirror that had caught the sun. I turned back to the ocean.

Everything seemed very normal, and while I wasn't usually scared of the beach, I was afraid of the mere idea of the ocean. Jaws, in particular, had been one of the first things that had made me terrified, and from then on I never really liked going. Not unless I was with people I knew, and even then I was still cautious and anxious. It was a big place, with bigger depths and bigger, stronger, scarier animals.

"LILLIAN!"

I spun around, looking for who had called my name. It seemed familiar, but I couldn't be sure. Hell, I thought a rear-view mirror was Jasper just a few seconds ago. But the voice had been familiar.

"Lillian!" It was Nicole. I pulled her into a hug and refused to let go. She was shocked for a moment. I could understand, I never hugged anyone.

"Why are you in the water, Lil? You hate swimming at the beach."

I separated from Nicky and looked down. She was right. We were about calf deep in the water. Little pieces of seaweed and water plants drifted around us. If I could only ever be afraid of one thing in my life, it would be seaweed. Something about the way it feels and slithers around just disturbs me and makes my soul shiver. I turned and tried running back to the sand, but as much as I tried to run, the deeper I seemed to get. The seaweed was under my feet now and I was shaking out of pure fear. Undiluted and true. A shiver ran down my spine as a piece waved across my calf. At the depth I was in now, anything could happen. The floor could suddenly drop, a fish or a shark could swim around me. On thinking the latter, I let out a shaky breath. Something ahead of me sparkled and I thought it was another mirror. I closed my eyes for a moment and when I opened them, I saw Edward. Only for a second though. Something snaked around my waist and legs and dragged me under. As soon as my head went down, it constricted my chest and my mouth as well.

I tried to twist and started screaming. No amount of thrashing in the water would stop it, or got it off. I tried to claw at it with my fingers but I couldn't feel anything, just my skin. I opened my eyes and saw the open mouthed head of the shark from the drawing and instinctively punched out at it. The sharks mouth closed, it twisted, and swum away. But the sheer terror it had left in me stayed.

The white sheen from the air changed positions around me and I stopped twisting so I could try and find it, and find it before that shark came back. The air was overhead when I stopped and I focused on trying to get back up. Whatever was holding me down had other ideas. It tightened around me as I tried to struggle harder and harder. New tendrils wound around my fists and up my arms and held them to my side. I was running out of breath.

My panic and fear grew as the seconds ticked by in what felt like years. Strong hands gripped my shoulders and hauled me out of the water. I closed my eyes as I started coughing and sucking in air. Someone's worried voice sounded beside me but I couldn't understand what they were saying. I thought it might have been one of the life guards. When I opened my eyes, I wasn't looking at sand, I was looking at a tiled floor. Water was dripping from me, but larger puddles suggested that the water from the bath has splashed out.

"Hey?! For Christs sake can you say something?"

I looked up at Seth.

"What happened?"

"I came in here and you were splashing away."

"Where are we?"

"This giant dog is outside. It's like a vulture!"

"It's alright Seth, go and say hello."

Seth looked at me incredulously. "I DON'T THINK SO!"

"Why? It's probably one of the wolves."

"I'll say, that thing is HUGE!"

"What color is it?"

"Uhh…. A sort of rusty color… how do you know my name?"

"It's Jacob. Go say hello." The last part of his sentence made me question his sanity for a minute. He waited, he wanted an answer. "It's me… Lillian."

"Are you like, an angel or something?"

"What? HA! No."

"So how do you know my name?"

Hmmm, okay. Weird. "Lucky guess? I'm a little… light-headed."

Seth helped me out of the bath and I wrung out the front of my shirt, not that it did any good.

"Come on, I'll get you some dry clothes."

Seth lead me through the house to a bedroom and shut the door. There was a window on the other side and I walked over to it to see the big wolf he was so scared of. It was definitely Jacob. Why would Seth be so scared of him?

"JACOB! JACOB!"

The wolf started to look around until it looked up. It stopped and ran into the forest. The door opened behind me but no-one came in. I stepped toward the door and it was about to slam shut again before I ran forward and grabbed the door. My heart rate increased and I really started to freak out. I opened the door and ran out, looked around for the stairs. They were at one end of the hallway and the bathroom light flicked off on it's own to my other side. I ran for the stairs and got there just as someone's fingers rounded the wall out of the bedroom I'd been in. I tore my eyes away, took one misaimed step for the stairs and tumbled down. At the bottom, I got onto my feet in seconds and ran for the front door, refusing to look back. In movies they always looked back… and the ones that looked back always died. I pulled the door open viciously and turned around. The hand was accompanied by a black cloaked head. The person stood up and started down the stairs as I stood frozen on the hearth. My breath was raspy and sharp. I stepped back in the door and grabbed the handle, pulling it shut behind me so it banged and rocked the frame. My steps backwards were hurried. Get away from the house…. Get away from the house…. GET AWAY FROM THE HOUSE!!!!!!! A voice screamed inside my head. I turned and ran for…. Nothing.

The black had returned.

Back to square one.

Alone.

**I've got a question and some mentions to go around. First the mentions.**

**Edward'sNewBella17: Thank you. You are awesome.**

**kerrbear4: This story was too good not to continue with… and I had a half finished chapter gathering dust.**

**writegirl94: Don't worry, I can promise you she won't become a vampire… I can't promise you that the story will ever end though :D**

**Princess-Lazy-Chan: Thankyouthankyouthankyou! I love it when new people read. To your friend: Hi, thank you so much. Hope you continue to enjoy it.**

**.666: Welcome to the ride. Please keep hands, feet and other limbs inside the ride at all times. That was one of the most heart-warming replies I've ever received.**

**Now for my question:**

**Does anyone want to see Jacob's POV?**


	29. What about schooling?

Disclaimer: Jasper: LILLIAN DOESN'T OWN TWILIGHT! Although, in response to her last disclaimer, she does have the email ready… the one she'll send to Stephanie Meyer if enough people review with the word 'Manor' …. she wants me to tell you that she want's it spelt like that. Capital 'M', lower case 'anor'.

**I'm right here. I could have said it you know.**

Jasper: Yes, but you're about to fall asleep.

**I AM NOT!**

Jasper: You've now spent the last two days up past 3 am in an attempt to finish more than one chapter.

… **Yeah, and? By the time I upload them, I might have 8, or 20. Y'never know.**

Jasper: -sigh- Here's the next chapter.

Esme looked across at me and the smile from her laugh had vanished. She looked serious.

"You told me to ask him. He was angry, but not at the question. He said if she had to die, he wanted me to kill her." I looked downcast. That comment had cut into me deeper than I'd let on. I _was_ good at it. I'd killed all of my family except Alice, Jasper and Bella. I sighed and turned away. Esme shifted her chair closer and pulled me into a hug. I didn't resist. I breathed in the scent of her uniqueness wrapped my own arms around her. It would have been an awkward, uncomfortable position for a human, but we couldn't be more comfortable. She started running her fingers slowly through my hair and I closed my eyes, enjoying the peace that settled over us. The night went by without much change. Lillian's lungs raised and lowered with the even breaths from the machine, her heart rate fluctuated a little but otherwise remained low.

When the sun rose the next day, the four of us pretended to be asleep while her heat packs were changed. She was slowly starting to shiver again, which was good, but as soon as the heat went back on, the shivering stopped. Jacob came back in around 10am. We were still pretending to be asleep, although I could hear Bella and Edward talking. They stood up, stretched and left. Seth and Leah were with Jacob and they lounged against the window. They were there for an hour until I "woke up" and slipped out of Esme's arms.

"Is she going to be alright? What are all these machines for?"

I yawned and walked over to Jacob. "Breathing machine, heart-rate monitor, feeding machine. The needle in her arm is putting a heating liquid into her. There are also heat packs covering 85% of her body"

"And that's going to help?"

I looked at Jacob for a moment, He must me extremely stressed. I moved closer. "They swapped the heat packs before and she started shivering, it's a good sign Jacob. I really don't think she's going to die."

"So how much better is she?"

I picked up Lillian's hand and stretched out her fingers so Jacob could see. "She's still blue, which means she's still got a long time to go because the blood is pumping through her major organs right now. When they're working perfectly again, it'll spread out and she'll lose the blue tinge in her fingers, lips and ears. If they turn purple, it means she got worse… and I'll change her."

Jacob's fingers gripped the edge of the bed and I put Lillian's hand back down under the blanket. Her head twitched and Jacob was over her face in seconds.

"What was that? What was that?" He turned and grabbed the front of my shirt, pulling me closer to Lillian's face as well. I slowly pried his fingers away and looked at Lillian. Her head didn't move any more, but I pulled out my pen-light.

"Open her eye."

"What?"

"Open her eye. I can't, my skin is too cold. I'll most likely make her worse."

Jacob nodded and opened her right eye. Seth and Leah crowded around her head. I turned on the light, leant over and flicked it across her eye. The pupil constricted a little bit. A little bit was good.

"Other eye."

Seth opened it this time. I looked up at him and he smiled at me. I returned it and flicked the light across her left eye. Constriction. I stepped away, sighed, and smiled. She certainly was a little fighter.

"What is it? What's so funny?"

"She's fighting. She's fighting hypothermia."

"What's so funny?"

"People fight diseases like cancer with will power, hope and wishing. She's fighting it actively, because the hypothermia is an effect from physiological trauma. Edward and Jasper both said she was beyond terrified in her dreams. It adds up with what you said."

"In English?"

"She's so terrified her whole body was shutting down."

"Again, English."

"She's afraid of the ocean."

The wolves looked at each other for a moment and then burst out laughing. Jacob almost pulled out some of the cords as he tripped over, but I grabbed him and held him up. He took to leaning on me and when he could finally breath again he moved over and sat on one of the spare beds.

"Hoe, wow! She's actually scared of something?"

"Yes. We're all scared of something."

"Yeah, but the ocean!"

"I think if we mention it she's going to go into an ocean just to spite us."

Jacob laughed again and fell backwards on the bed. "Yeah, but she won't go in far."

We all laughed. I was about to turn and ask Esme if she wanted to go home, but I remembered it was about 12. There was no way we could go outside. I told someone to leave the windows shut, so we'd been in darkness the whole day. We couldn't even leave the ward. I sighed again, it seemed like I was doing this a lot more over the past two weeks… two weeks? It felt like two months.

"Esme, did you know Lillian's been here two weeks?"

Esme looked shocked as I sat down next to her again.

"Two _weeks_?"

"About, maybe a little over."

"It feels like forever." Jacob said from across the room.

Esme chortled and leant her head against my shoulder. Her arm wound around my waist. I put mine over her shoulder and the other over her hand. This was a little more comfortable.

"Have you thought of any new ways to get her back?"

"No. Aro said something about a couch. I'll talk to him about it tonight."

"What if she ends up not wanting to go back?"

Jacob, Seth and Leah all yelled their disapproval.

"What?"

"If she stays here, you'll just give her to us when she annoys you, and then she'll run back to you when she's sick of us."

"What about if we send her to school? And tire her out. Then she'll just want to sleep."

"That's a wonderful idea Carlisle." I smiled at Esme and stroked her hair.

"Yeah, wonderful. Except we know nothing of her past, nothing about who she is, and we don't have access to any of her records."

"Jacob, we've learnt a few things over the years. As soon as we know her last name, we can have her records in a matter of minutes." I turned to Esme. "Or we could get Jasper to pay Jason a visit."

"That's if she stays here, right?" Jacob asked cautiously.

"Hmmm, what about when she's fine enough to walk? Get her busy as quickly as possible so she doesn't have time to dwell on new ways to annoy us?"

Jacob looked at his packmates. They all shrugged and nodded a few times and then turned back to me and Esme. "Sounds like an awesome plan."

We chatted for a few hours until the wolves had to leave, and nursing staff walked in to check on Lillian and the other two patients in the room. As soon as it was dark enough for us to leave, I checked Lillian one last time. Prolonged touching would make her worse, but I was quick. Mostly because I really wanted to get back home and go for a hunt with Esme. Her fingers had lost some of the blue color, but it was still quite bad. I leant close to her ear. "Come on Lillian, I know you're a fighter."

Esme took my hand and we left.

Alice was quick to greet us as we pulled into the garage and she almost pulled me out of the car when I turned it off.

"Alice, calm down. She's fine… well, she's doing a little better."

Alice sighed, relieved, and ran back into the house. Aro stood at the door behind Rosalie and Emmett.

"What happened?"

"She's hypothermic Rosalie. But she's slowly getting better. She's not going to be hiding your hairbrushes for a while."

Rosalie smiled a little. "Is she going back to the dogs when she's better?"

"Actually,-"

"CARLISLE!" She looked shocked. I smiled.

"I was thinking of sending her to school."

Rosalie narrowed her eyes for a moment, but Emmett started laughing. He whispered something in Rosalie's ear and she smiled broadly and nodded. "Nice one."

"Yeah Carlisle, that's an awesome plan."

"Jacob thought so too."

Rosalie's face scrunched slightly but she grabbed Emmett's hand and the two walked away. I picked up Esme's hand as we walked toward the door. Aro was still standing there.

"Jane and Alec?"

"Hunting a state over. I tried some of your local deer that Jasper showed me. I applaud your ability to stay satiated on that."

"Are you going to try it for longer?"

Aro laughed. "Heaven's no, Carlisle. That was one of the most unsatisfying meals I've ever had."

"Well, we're about to go out hunting. I need to talk to you later about something you saw in her memories."

"May I accompany you? I think I may need another of your… local delicacies, to get my appetite more even."

I turned to Esme, of whom he'd actually asked the question to. She smiled and nodded.

"Of course you can, Aro."

"Thank you."

The three of us headed out the back door and into the woods. Esme let go of my hand and took off at a run before she gave me a look that said she didn't want to hear what we wanted to talk about. I kissed her thankfully and waited until she was out of earshot.

"You said something about a couch."

"Yes. She's from an alternate future. It was August 2009. I couldn't read anything before that, it was strange. But she'd come home, everything had been normal, and then she'd gone into her room."

A couch in a room was nothing odd for me. Alice had helped Esme decorate the houses we'd lived in and there was always some sort of couch.

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"Inside her room was you… well, your children. And the shape shifter… Jacob?"

"What were-"

"Paintings. I'm not sure if they were hand painted or not, she didn't want to look at them."

"That still doesn't-"

"If you'd let me finish, Carlisle…." I said nothing. "She got quite angry and slept on her couch. Something about resolving never to sleep in that room again. And then she woke up on your couch."

I stayed silent as I tried to sift through this information. It was very, very strange. "Did you get any information about her? Anything of merit?"

"Like her last name?"

"That would be fantastic!"

"Her last name is Muggiewumples."

I burst into laughter. Aro didn't.

"Are you serious?"

"Quite."

"How do you know?"

"She was looking at her mail. Anything addressed to her was marked 'Lillian Muggiewumples'."

"That's just odd."

"I laughed about it when she left."

"Come on, let's catch up to Esme."

Half an hour later we were walking back. Discussing Lillian, getting her into a school, and the high possibility of getting Jasper to talk to Jason. Aro suggested sending Jane and Alec as well. 1, to keep an eye on Lillian, and 2, because he thought they might 'like' the experience. He laughed a little too sadistically at that, but we didn't dismiss it entirely. When we got back, Esme split off to tell Edward and Bella and to spend some time with Renesmee. Aro went to talk to Alec and Jane, who'd come back, and I went in search of Jasper. I found him with Alice. She was trying on clothes.

"I'm so happy you decided on that Carlisle! What do you think of this for her first day?" Apparently she hadn't told Jasper the whole story, but I got the feeling he was clueing in.

"It looks good Alice. Jasper? I need to talk to you about Jason." Jasper dragged me out of the room quickly and down the stairs.

"What is it?"

"I need you to see him to get some documents."

"Bella took over that account."

"I need _you_ to do this. Esme is telling them now. For this task, I need your… particular way of persuasion."

"You need him to be afraid?"

"Sworn to secrecy in any and every way possible, by any means necessary."

Jasper nodded and his professionalism seeped in. "What do you need?"

"I need documents for Lillian."

"You sending her to work?" He seemed hopeful.

"No," Downcast. "I'm sending her to school." His face lit up like the South had won and Alice was pregnant.

"Alice is pregnant?" Edward was with us shortly.

"I'M WHAT?!" Alice shouted from the top of the stairs. "Oh god, I'll need new clothes…"

"You're not pregnant Alice!" I slapped my hand to my face.

"Phew."

"I need you to get Jason to forge a passport, birth certificate, academic trail, and an adoption certificate."

"YOU CAN'T ADOPT HER CARLISLE! SHE'S A LUNATIC!"

"WHAT?!" Alice was at the stairs again. "Edward, don't be stupid, you aren't going to jump off a cliff."

"I might."

"Take Bella with you. She's all about extreme sports."

"ALICE! Don't mention that again!"

"Why is everyone shouting?"

"Your daddy misunderstood what I was asking." I turned to Renesmee and smiled reassuringly. Everyone else looked the same, reassured.

"Carlisle, you've got two new recruits."

We moved the conversation into the living room where Jane and Alec were glaring daggers at Aro.

"Ok, three of everything. Make them… fifteen. They can all _just_ pass that off. Australian details for Lillian, Italian for Jane and Alec."

"You can't DO this to us Aro! It's… it's…" Aro waited patiently, smiling softly with his hand folded across his knees. "It's barbaric!"

"No it's not. I order you to go, to keep an eye on Lillian, and to understand what the younger prey are like."

"We'll end up killing them!"

"No you won't. Because I also order you not to kill any of the locals."

Jane looked like she wanted to send Aro into eternal torture. He knew she wouldn't. Alec was resigning to his new problem.

"We aren't going to have to eat the wildlife are we?"

"No."

"What if there's a _cantante_ at the school?"

No-one had thought of that.

"Don't breath." Edward cut in. "Don't think. Don't breath. Get out as quickly as you can. Make any excuse you have to."

Silence for a minute.

"Do we have a picture of Lillian?"

We all looked at each other until every pair of eyes found Jasper, who was looking at the ground.

"Jasper?"

"I don't know how, I don't know when, but she found my camera. I put all the photos on the computer for future blackmail purposes."

"Jasper you're a genius!"

"Thank you Esme."

"What's your password?"

"I'LL PUT IT IN!" He looked away shiftily and we all stifled laughs as he glared at us and walked out of the room.

"Now we just need a photo of Alec and Jane."

**There we gooooo. Another day, another two chapters. I wonder how many I'll have spat out by the time I get back home. Hopefully these have been put up before then.**

**Thank you DAD for reviewing. I'll give you a chicken today. Now read the next chapter!!!**


	30. Ruining the effect

Disclaimer: Jasper: WOOO! A chapter all about me!

…

Jasper: Lillian doesn't own Twilight.

…

Jasper: WHAT?!

…

Jasper: …

**You're a freak.**

Jasper: …

I hurried to the computer and punched in the password automatically. I really didn't need Edward to know what it was, I'd never live it down. Esme had tried to follow me, but I'd told her not to follow. There was some incriminating photos on there that I still wanted to use for blackmail purposes. Lillian might not annoy myself or Emmett as much as she did everyone else, but she was a strange human and I was the quiet onlooker. A gatherer of evidence. And not to lower my family's intellect level, but I knew how to use it better.

"Keep telling yourself that, Jasper."

I covered the screen with my arms as quickly as I could. "GET OUT EDWARD!"

"Alright, alright, I was just passing through."

"Pass through a little more quickly." I snarled at him. He laughed and left. I sat back down again, printed out the picture I was looking for and logged out. None of them had yet succeeded at hacking into my account… well, Edward almost had… I wonder if he'd gotten rid of the virus yet.

"No."

I laughed as he sulked back through the room. "It's easy to get rid of." He stopped at the door and we walked back to the living room together. "Go into control panel, click performance and maintenance, then double click system. It'll clear everything."

Edward looked at me incredulously. "That's it?"

"Simple isn't it?"

"NO! That's a mission Jasper."

I smirked. It was simple enough, but he never would have thought of doing it. It's what made it so ingenious.

"Sometimes, Jasper… sometimes I wonder about you."

"Sometimes, Edward… I think Lillian might be right about _you_."

"Wha-"

I walked into the living room quickly while he tried to figure it out.

"I AM NOT GAY!"

"Are Alec and Jane's pictures ready?"

Alice rushed over to me, but was holding the pictures behind her back. "I'm coming with you this time."

"Alice, I don't want you to-"

"Be involved in something like this? I know Jazz, but I wasn't asking."She'd made up her mind. I handed over Lillian's picture. There was no stopping her when she made up her mind, and I wasn't going to try and persuade her out of it. Carlisle ran into the room with several sheets of paper and was about to hand them to me when Alice put her hand out. Carlisle looked at me. I nodded. He handed the paper to Alice.

"That's all I know about Lillian. Aro wrote information for Jane and Alec. If you need any more, just… make something up."

I nodded again, took Alice's hand and turned for the garage. I already knew we'd be taking her car, and naturally, she'd be driving. We should be back within a day or two.

**One of two long, uninteresting car trips later:**

It was an overcast day, so Alice and I could move around easily. I moved just a little more quicker than Alice. Even though I couldn't stop her from coming, I wasn't going to let her have the driver's seat. I turned to her. "Alice, if I tell you to leave, I want you to leave."

"Jasper-"

"No. Please. There are some things I don't want you to see."

She reached up and cupped my face in her hands. "I love you for everything you are Jasper. I'll always love you. Nothing you do will ever change that."

I sighed. She made it so hard for me to keep a resolve sometimes, but I was standing firm on this. "I know, but please… if I tell you-"

"Then I will." She stood on her toes and brought my face to hers and we kissed. I pulled her into a hug and didn't let go for a minute or two. Then we turned back for the door.

The person standing in front was new, and puffed out his chest authoritively.

"Who are youse?"

"My name is Jasper."

The thug looked behind me at Alice and smirked. "And the lady?"

I stood in front of her and snarled at the man. "My wife. Jason knows me."

The thug looked up at me, scrutinised me and then opened a cell phone and hit a few numbers.

"Jase… yeah, look, there's a guy here. Name's Jasper. Says he knows you…. Alright. Yep."

The phone shut and he opened a door. I let Alice got first, and kept my arms close to her. If that idiot so much as thought as taking a step to her, I'd rip his throat out and have his guts strung up around the doorframe.

"Jasper." Alice's eyebrows were raised.

"Sorry." I led Alice up to Jason's office, which was much nicer than the rest of the abandoned building. Jason was wiping sweat furiously off his brow with a white handkerchief. He stopped and stood up as soon as we entered.

"Mr. Jasper. It's so nice to see you again." Indeed it wasn't.

"I need documents Jason."

"Yes, yes of course, what kind?"

"Jasper." Alice pulled on my arm and stepped in front of me. She faced Jason with a smile.

"I'm Alice, Jasper's wife. We need, as he put it, documents for these three people." She held out the photos of Lillian, Alec and Jane. Jason took them and looked at them curiously before he looked back up at us.

"You aren't… is this illegal?"

"No, just confusing."

"Alright, I'll need some more-" Alice handed him the paper. He checked them over. "What kind of documentation?"

"Australian Birth Certificate, Passport, School records, and adoption certificate for Lillian. That's here, with the messy brown hair." Jason rearranged the pages swiftly to match up with each picture. "Italian records of the same calibre for the other two… we also need you to make them 15."

"Yes Mr. Jasper. It'll take about four hours."

"We've got time. And I must instil into you Jason, that these matters are of the utmost confidentiality. Make only one copy, and we want all the information back."

"Yes Mr. Jasper. Take a seat, I'll get to it."

Jason left the room and Alice and I sat down on one of the two client couches.

"Did he decide anything Alice?"

"No. Going to the police crossed his mind for a second, but he didn't linger. He wants to burn everything but the documents and Lillian's picture."

"Lillian's picture?" I looked around at the door Jason had disappeared through and frowned.

"It might be because she looks nothing like us. She's a human. And look at her eyes, they're nothing like ours."

"Well it doesn't matter, we're getting it back."

**Four hours later**

Jason came back out of the room for the final time with everything in three separate manilla folders.

"Finished. For all it's worth, they're real fakes. It took a little-"

"That's fine. I can trust you did it perfectly."

Jason stammered for a few seconds and then nodded.

"This isn't a cheap package."

"Come out to the car with us."

"What?" Jason's eyes bulged slightly.

"I don't trust my wife with you, and I don't trust her with your doorman either." Alice nudged me in the ribs as we stood up, but I didn't relinquish my gaze on Jason. He stammered again and waved at the door.

The walk back was quicker, and I snarled at Jason's doorman again as he gave eyes to Alice. He backed off quickly and looked at Jason with a little confusion. Alice got in the driver's seat and I took the duffel out of the backseat. Turning back to Jason I ran through his emotions to see if he was hiding anything… nothing. Good human. I'll let you live. He wiped his brow again and handed over the folders. I checked that everything was in there and gave him the bag.

"Pleasure doing business Mr. Jasper."

"Right." I turned and got into the passenger side. Alice looked at me before she wound down her window.

"Thank you Jason!" Jason was at the door and turned around, surprised. He'd flinched as well before waving a little hesitantly to us as Alice pressed on the accelerator and drove us back home.

"Why must everyone else in the family be nice to him? It softens my effect on him."

Alice laughed and kissed me on the cheek.

**The second of two long, uninteresting car trips later:**

Alice and I almost bounded up the stairs into the house. Lillian wasn't going to be around as much as she used to now! What if Carlisle sent her to live with Jacob too… then we wouldn't have to _ever_ see her.

"Carlisle won't do that, Jasper."

"A vampire can hope, Edward."

"I see you got the papers."

Jane suddenly launched herself out of a side room and tried to grab the folders. "I WILL NOT GO TO PUBLIC SCHOOL!" I lifted the folders just out of her arms reach and ran for the living room before she could regain herself. I handed Jane and Alec's folders to him, and Lillian's to Carlisle's.

"That's my job done. I'm going hunting."

**I had to do a Jasper POV. I just had to… that and I'm running out of ideas to tick away the time that Lillian is unconscious for. This'll probably be the last one though.**


	31. Surprise!

Disclaimer: Jasper: SHE DOESN'T OWN IT!

**Way to skip to the point.**

Rosalie: Good Jasper. Come on Lillian, I'll drag you out of the disclaimer if I have to.

**Kicking and screaming!**

Rosalie: Yes, we know you would.

**Thanks for making it longer Rose -runs-**

Rosalie: …

Jasper: ON WITH THE STORY!

The dreams continued. The content got weirder and weirder and involved some characters of a not too colourful nature. But the dreams started to become less frequent, and the darkness more common. My throat felt weird, a lot. Like I couldn't breath. I was getting twitchy too. I just wanted to move! Waking up wasn't one of those slow, peaceful things. It was like coming out of a bad dream. I woke with a start. Sat up straight. The feeling of not being able to breath continued into consciousness. I started choking on something that was in my throat, and when I tried to breath through my nose, the same thing happened. Several alarms started going off, a high pitched beeping sounded near my ear and I rolled sideways, trying to get away from it. That was even more terrifying! Something ripped off my chest, a pain seared through my arm, and cords wrapped around my throat and arms. The seaweed dream came back to hit me and I twisted more furiously. A series of feet thudded around me and I opened my eyes to the insanity. Someone grabbed hold of my stomach and someone else's hands started grabbing at my face. The choking sensation became a tugging one and I started retching.

"Lillian, please came down. Everything is alright. You're in the hospital."

As the cords came out, so did a whole lot of liquid that I'm not if it was from my stomach of the cords. The hands turned from my face and moved to my neck. I could feel them working quickly.

"Lillian, stop struggling, you'll make it worse." The voice was said loudly in my ear, but with the rest of the noise around, it could have been a whisper. I didn't stop struggling, but I slowed down. The cords were loosened around my throat finally, and I took a deep breath of air in and coughed a few times.

Whoever was holding me put me back on the bed I'd fallen off. I rubbed my throat, which had gone a little red.

"Are you alright?" The female nurse… or doctor… or something, asked.

"Sore… Cold." The other person, a male, wrapped some blankets around my shoulders and pulled out a cell phone. I felt really tired again, and started to close my eyes. The female shook me a little.

"Lillian, stay awake. Can you stand?"

I reached out for some support because I didn't know if I _could_ stand. The woman held out her arm for me to grab on to and helped me stand with the other. I took one step and let go of her. I was fine.

What… where's Jacob? Why am I in a hospital?" I sat back on the bed and started to close my eyes again.

"No, no. We need you to stay awake. Come on, we'll around the hospital a little." The woman started to touch my lips and I pulled my head away from her. She lifted my hand. It was blue-tinged, but not as bad as what I'd seen it in my dream.

"Fine." The woman had been trying to make me stand up and I finally did. Her arm found my back and we left the ward. Out in the hallway, I tried to go to the elevator, but she led me to the stairs instead and we walked down to the foyer. She let me sit down in the hallway and I drew my legs up and fell asleep quickly on my knees.

The next time I was awoken wasn't by tubes sticking out of me and alarms going off. It wasn't by someone shaking my shoulders. I woke up happily this time, slowly, and still on the chair in the lobby. It was dark outside. I looked around for a clock and saw Carlisle instead. I rubbed my eyes for a moment.

"Hi Carlisle. Where's Jacob?"

"He's at his house."

"But why? Why are… why are we here?"

"What's the last thing you remember?"

"Jacob jumped off the cliff."

"Anything else?"

I tried to think, but it was actually hurting. I yawned and shook my head. "No. Nothing. What happened?"

"You had hypothermia. You were very close to dying."

"Hah. I can't die."

Carlisle laughed. "Apparently not. How are you feeling?"

"A little tired, a little cold. Sore." I rubbed my throat, remembering the cords.

"Why were there tubes in me?"

"One was a feeding tube, the other was a breathing tube."

"I stopped breathing?"

"No, but we did everything possible to help the blood to go back into the rest of your body."

"Thanks."

"I'm a doctor, it's what I do."

"Wait… if I had hypothermia… isn't that where the cold thing?"

"Yes."

"Then you couldn't have done it."

"No. I didn't. I just ordered everyone around and looked good."

"At least you don't have to exert too much energy on the latter."

Carlisle chuckled again."When can I get out of here? I don't like hospitals."

"As soon as you want to go. I've signed you out, they got what they needed."

I stood up and started walking to the doors. Carlisle followed.

The ride back to the Cullen's was quite. Probably because I'd gone to sleep again. Nothing was comfortable enough to keep me like that for long, and I had the biggest desire to sleep that I just couldn't shake. I woke up again when Carlisle turned off the engine. Great, a bed! A real bed! When was the last time I slept on a bed? I started to walk to the room they'd given me, but Carlisle's hand steered me back towards the kitchen.

"What… I don't want to eat. I want to sleep."

"Too bad, you've got to eat something."

"NO!" There wasn't much I could do to resist him getting me into the kitchen though. I intended to see Esme there, cooking up a 12 course meal, but it was Bella. And she'd cooked spaghetti and meatballs.

"This will not appease the Lillian God."

Carlisle leant in close to my ear. Oh god. Mmmmm.

"I know your last name."

I gasped and turned to him. He seemed smug… too smug.

"Name me, vile wizard."

"She's already back to normal isn't she?" Bella sighed and pushed the bowl closer to me. I pushed it back. Carlisle leant down again.

"Muggie-"

"SHUT UP! SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!"

"_Now_ she's back to normal." He smiled at Bella and turned back to me. "So, are you going to eat, or do I have to tell ever-"

I grabbed the bowl, picked up the fork and shovelled the pasta in, all the while glaring at him. Damn Aro. It had to have been him. Edward was too stupid to know."I can hear you!"

Good. MAYBE YOU CAN HERE THIS TOO!

"Yes, I can." Edward rounded the corner as I started to choke on a piece of pasta that had gone down quicker than it should have. Carlisle tapped my back and I glared at him again. What the hell was hitting me going to do to stop me choking? I bit off the dangly pasta and swallowed everything.

"You're going to get heartburn if you do that."

"You're going to get something thrown at your head, Edweird. Shut… up."

I finished the bowl quickly, all of them staring at me. Renesmee came in and started eating too. Thankfully she was still upset by the 'freak' comment, and wouldn't sit near me. I smirked and stared at her. Once there was, a little bitty freak, she lived in a house… I couldn't finish that no matter how hard I tried and Edward started laughing.

"Shut up Edward, the next verse was about you."

"You couldn't get past the third line, let alone the first _verse_. You had no hope."

Edward he went out one day, over the hills and far away. Alice saw Bella jump off a cliff, and Edward went to kill himself. I burst into laughter and he started growling at me.

"How's _that_ for a second verse, bitch-sticks!"

"LILLIAN!"

"Sorry Carlisle."

Edward coughed out his last snarl and vanished from the room. Bye Edweird. Bella and the freak left after him. Far out Bella annoyed me. Beyond what I annoyed the Cullens. Even Edward was somewhat better to be around.

Carlisle stood on the opposite side of the counter, waiting for me… I guess he was waiting. I'd already finished. I yawned and stretched.

"Can I go to sleep _now_?"

"Yes. Come on."

I stood up, swayed a little, and started walking. Carlisle had his hand on my back, ever my gorgeous little protector. I flopped down on the bed, fully clothed in whatever I was wearing, and started to drift off, comfortably this time, into the land of blissful, dreamless sleep.

"By the way, you start school on Monday."

**OH SNAP! Does anyone want to actually see this as a video series?**

**Some more information: I have a blog, it's not really interesting yet, I've just kinda started. But you can find that at www[dot]thelillianopinionfactory[dot]blogspot[dot]com**

**I've also got a youtube that will be getting some more attention soon. My name is the same: ISnortSugar. You can follow me on twitter too, same name: ISnortSugar. It's quite a recurring theme, you know, being my name and all. Not my real name, just the name I use.**

**Take Care.**


	32. Torture for who?

**Well, it's been positively AGES since my last update and I do apologize… who are we kidding, no I don't. I will explain my absence in a few words though: I couldn't be bothered. Also, my laptop died and I lost my muse for a very long time.**

**Jasper: Good to have you back Lillian.**

**SHUT UP YOU WRETCHED EMO!**

**Jasper: … o.O**

**It's also winter right now… but we don't get snow. SOMEONE SEND ME SOME SNOW!**

**Chapter 32: Torture for who?**

Peaceful, dreamless sleep plagued me after Carlisle's statement of schooling. I didn't even think on it again until I woke up, several hours later, to Esme lightly poking me... well, she probably thought it was light; it felt like she was trying to poke her way through to my cold, black heart.  
"Wake up, you'll be late for school."  
"Snakes don't stand up."  
I rolled over and pulled the blanket over me. Unfortunately, I'd been mostly on one side and rolled off the bed. "UGH!" I jumped up and climbed back on the bed... then looked up and saw Esme was still standing there, looking quite confused.

"Lillian, get up. Or Alice will-"  
"I'M UP! I'M UP!" I jumped off the bed, but that didn't matter. Esme had opened her stupid mouth and the pixie from Hell was standing next to her.  
"I get to dress you!"  
"You already said she could! DIDN'T YOU?"  
Esme looked away guiltily and I gasped pitifully at her. How could she? Alice was grinning. "You should see what I put Jane and Alec in. They look GORGEOUS!"  
I gaped at her. They couldn't be serious. They couldn't REALLY be serious... could they? First school and now I had to be dressed by "I know my way around a mall"? I dislike and distrust anyone who can do that. Alice rolled up onto her toes and glanced at Esme, who left the room.  
"No. No. Please, Alice, I swear to god I'll never eat doughnuts in your wardrobe again!"  
Alice's face dropped slightly and she frowned. "That was you AND Emmett?"  
"No." I don't think my shifty grin helped my case.  
"I put some clothes in the wardrobe while you were sleeping. You look so innocent when your mouth is shut."  
"You look innocent when I imagine you drowning at the bottom of the Atlantic."

When Alice stepped away from the door I tried to make my escape. Beds are horrible like that. No stable footing. I slipped even before Alice had a chance to stop me reaching the door herself. When I looked up, she was holding a pink dress.  
"No fucking way! No. FUCKING. WAY! I am not wearing that abomination you crab-infested crotch-rot!"  
Alice frowned again and threw the dress on the bed. She walked over to the wardrobe and pulled out a pair of black jeans, a long sleeve grey shirt and a black vest. "Way to color co-ordinate, Elf."  
"Converse shoes and a black and purple jumper?" Alice made it sound like she was torturing herself just by saying those words. She clearly knew when she'd been defeated. I nodded.  
"Sounds better. Now leave me or die... You know, again."  
Luckily, Alice did leave, and I did put on the clothes. I took a look in the wardrobe and gaped. She didn't move 'a few' clothes, she moved what looked like one-eighth of her own wardrobe in.

Alice opened the door as soon as I'd put on one of her belts. "Breakfast."  
"What's on the menu this time? Count Bloodula?" Alice giggled. I glared at her. She walked behind me and pushed me out the door and down the stairs... not literally, I would have broken my neck! It was more of a guiding hand permenantly attached to my back. At least until we got to the kitchen.  
"YOU CAN STOP TOUCHING ME!"  
"As much as I hate your outfit, I have to say, you pull it off."  
"I have so many jokes for that that I'm just going to let YOU try and think of a few."  
Carlisle and Esme stood, embracing each other, by the sink. I grimaced. Nessie decided to walk in at that point. She grabbed some sugar-laden cereal from the pantry and started pouring syrup, sugar and milk over it. How disgusting! As if that wasn't enough, she also put banana, strawberries and mango on it, then she started actually eating it.  
"Why don't you just sacrifice a lamb over it as well." I snarled at her. I don't know why I was so angry, her meal just disgusted me so much that I couldn't be nice. She looked up at me and started eating slowly. Gross.

I sat down at the bench, realized I didn't have anything to eat and went to stand up. Until I realized I had vampire slaves of course. "I want toast." Alice, Esme and Carlisle looked at me. "I want toast, and I want you to make it!"  
"Just toast?"  
"And scrambled eggs."  
"Is that all?"  
"Bacon."  
"Is THAT all?"  
"I want apple-mango juice too."  
"Anything else?"  
"If I wanted something else, I'd have TOLD YOU, you petulant housewife!"  
Esme smiled lovingly and I walked into the living room. Oh goodie! Emmett was in there! I jumped and he stood up right as I landed on the couch. "I just want to play!"  
"Don't you have school?"  
"Don't you have herpes?"  
"What?"  
I laughed and sat down, grabbed the TV remote and... nothing. Emmett grabbed the remote off me.  
"WHAAAAAAAAAT?"  
"No TV. You have to go to school."  
"Not right now. Esme's cooking breakfast!"  
"Well, no TV before school then."  
"This is unfair! You're so unfair! I hate you!"  
"I don't care." Emmett sat down and turned on wrestling. Oh god. I'd rather scoop my eyes out with a rusted spoon than watch wrestling. I sighed and walked back into the kitchen. Only Esme remained.

When Esme finally plated the food and put it in front of me, I sneered at it. "I hate scrambled eggs."  
"Lillian, honestly, can you please just-"  
"I WAS KIDDING! I love scrambled eggs." I rolled my eyes at her and started eating. For a vampire, she sure did cook a mean scrambled eggs. Alec and Jane walked in almost as soon as I'd finished eating. I choked on the drink Esme had handed me as soon as I saw Jane. She was wearing a white blouse with lace on it and a pair of black slacks and high heels. She also had a light pink coat on. Choking turned to laughter before she snarled and I covered it. Alec's clothes were quite normal. Black jeans, a charcoal colored shirt and a brown aviator jacket.  
"Maybe Jane should wear something less... ha ha, spastic." I started laughing again; and then Aro walked in!

"What is that intolerable scent?"  
"Breakfast, my squishy muffin."  
"What?"  
"Breakfast for the human?"  
Aro turned to look at Jane and Alec and frowned. "For heavens sake Jane, did you really allow Alice to dress you? Go and get changed, you look like a young Martha Stewart."  
Jane glared at Aro and stormed off.  
"When do they leave for this place of education?"  
"As soon as Jane gets back." Esme was still in the room and Alice ran in.  
"I'll take them!"  
"You would." I muttered. She looked at me for a moment and then turned back to Esme.  
"I will accompany you. They have an orientation to go through do they not?"  
"Yes, I believe so."  
Esme and Aro started talking and I tuned out. How totally unfair! I didn't want to go to school! I was in fun land! Full of torturing and doing what I wanted and annoying vampires. Why did they have to ruin that with EDUCATION; of all things.

Jane didn't take long to get back, and she was wearing her Volturi get up. I tried not to laugh at her. She looked at me.  
"What?"  
"Emo." A small laugh escaped.  
"What?"  
"You're totally not going to fit in at all except with the reclusive, sunlight avoiding, basement residing, World of Warcraft nerds; the depressive, would-be-suicidal-if-I-wasn't-such-a-bitching-pussy emotional, attention-seeking kids; or the generally well-mannered, well-read and intelligent children who strive for creative freedom, but do all tend to wear darker colors - notably refered to as 'Goths'."  
Everyone was looking at me awkwardly.  
"What? I pay attention to social structure."  
"And where would you sit?"  
"Where-ever the hell I want. I'm awesome."  
"Egotistical much."  
"No. I just fit where-ever I want to. My personality is like an amorphous blob."  
"Why don't you morph to be nice to us then?" Edward walked in. I groaned.  
"Because you're an asshole, and I dislike you, and that would mean you'd have to change me. Will you change me? WILL I SPARKLE?"  
"Nevermind." Edward walked out and when no-one else commented on Jane's attire, Alice and Aro started leading us out. Jane and Alec somehow ended up with bags and as soon as we got to the car, I found one they'd prepared for me.

"I call window!"  
"What?" Alec seemed to be more willing to be calm about the situation, but I was with Jane on this.  
"Window. I call window. Oh god! It means that I get to sit next to the window!"  
"No you don't."  
"What?"  
"We're vampires, we get the window seats."  
"Why?"  
"We've been ORDERED to protect you and learn about our prey. To protect you in the car, you must sit in the middle so that if it comes down to it, Alec and myself can form a cacoon around you and you won't be hurt."  
"What if... umm... if the car hit a tree and one of the branches got through your 'cacoon'?"  
"We would not allow it."  
"What if I was scratched and started to bleed?"  
"We have enough self-restraint not to feed on you, and your blood smells distasteful anyway."  
"Oh... well then... I'll take the middle seat."  
"JUST GET IN!" Aro shouted at all of us.

"Oh shit. This is Alice's car."  
Alice peeled out of the driveway almost before I had a chance to finish and my head hit the headrest. "Dear holy mother of Mary! This totally ROCKS!"  
Jane and Alec looked at me sideways all the way to the school. I don't know why. It was as if they'd never seen someone pretend a car trip with a vampire was like a rollercoaster before.

We reached the High School in about ten minutes due to Alice's driving. Good thing it was a cloudy day... I bet they watched the weather channel. Inside the school was lovely! Why didn't Stephanie Notalent ever describe it? Oh... yeah, Edweird. Aro and Alice led the way to the reception, Jane and Alec followed behind me. This place was so cool! Hundreds of people to annoy! Alice turned around so quickly I ran into her.  
"What?"  
"You will not do that!"  
"Do what?"  
There was a pause until Alice looked around and nodded. I could, however, see why she'd turned on me first. I was most likely to do something morally ambiguous. When we got inside the small office Alec and Jane sat down on two of six available chairs. Alice and Aro stood at the desk and I was half in-half out looking into the hallway until Alice grabbed the back of my shirt and yanked me inside.  
"Hey!"

Inside the Principle's office, I had to fight not to fuck something up. Jane and Alec stood either side of me with their hands on my shoulders to make it easier.  
"We'd be delighted to take in these three. But, it's somewhat confusing."  
"Confusing? We've recently adopted Lillian; and Jane and Alec are my cousins from Italy."  
"Ahh. Cousins. Okay."  
"May we be shown around this establishment?" Aro finally said something longer than three syllables and I went to stand up before the twins from Hell pushed me back down.  
"That does hurt you know."  
"We can show you around yes. Here are some class selection sheets for the... uhhh, teens."  
Aro took the sheets and handed them to Alec who gave Jane and me ours. Jane and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes. I sighed. English and American History were mandatory, I chose Drama, Sport, Photography, French and Psychology as electives and turned it into a paper airplane before I threw it at Aro. He grabbed it before it could hit him and glared at me before he took Jane and Alec's and handed them back.

"Now for that tour!" This time, Jane and Alec let me stand up. The Principle stood up and walked around his desk. Jane, Alec and I walked behind him and Aro and Alice took the tail. An hour later, the tour was complete.  
"Have fun kids. And Lillian," Alice looked at me and I looked at her innocently. "Don't do anything stupid."  
"Oh, you just HAD to say THAT didn't you?" Alice's face grew serious.  
"If you do anything stupid I'll bite you myself." My lovely cupcake whispered into my ear. I grabbed his hand and held it in front of me before I imagined him biting into my neck, holding onto my back and covering my mouth so that my screams would be dulled. Ahh the proximity. Ahh the thoughtfulness. Ahh the LUST! Aro yanked backwards so quickly he almost hit Alec and Alice in the same sweep.  
"Alice, let us be off. Thank you for the tour huma- Sir. It was a pleasure."  
"Yeah, right next to be being burnt alive." Jane muttered next to me.  
"Tell me about it."  
Jane frowned at me. "You've never been burnt alive."  
"Clearly, neither have you, you reticent young Theda Bara."  
"What?"  
"Theda Bara?"  
"Yes."  
"She was a silent film actress. She played a Femme Fatale. You remind me of her... or Lillian Gish."  
"Why call me reticent then?"  
"Because I'm fairly sure they TALKED!"  
Everyone looked at Jane and I.  
"Are you okay?"  
"Perfect. Just educating Jane on 1900-1940's silent films."  
Alice looked at me like I'd introduced her to a credit card. It was actually kind of scary. Aro looked like that - scared.  
"What?"  
"You're... you're educated."  
"Well yes, and I know a lot about movies too."  
"Still..."  
"Still, I think you and Aro should leave so we can be captivated by the useless narcissistic junkets of American history prattled off to us by an aging and textbook middle-age teacher who spent eight years in University and now loathes the youth of today because they never got to accomplish their life missions by age 30." I looked at the Principle who was still standing there, his mouth slightly open. "Oh, don't worry, I only interrupt them."  
"You are very opinionated aren't you?"  
I looked down glumly. "Yes. I spent my misgotten youth with my propegator in self-loathing, contempt and mutilative depression from the ages of 1 to 14. My progenitor, however, was a remarkable, if not anal, role model who allowed creative freedom, free thought and enough space to make my own mistakes. It was wonderful!"  
"What?"  
"I seem to get that response a lot. YES, I am, opinionated. Can we intermingle with our social peers now?"  
Aro and Alice stepped back twice before they turned around and walked out of the building. Alice shrugged and Aro started shaking his head before they disappeared around a corner.  
"So, do we get like... tour guides or something?"  
"Yes, this way please."  
We followed the Principle to one of the classrooms and waited outside while he went in.

"So... should we go pull the fire alarm or something?"  
"Why?"  
"Cuz it'd be fun... maybe. They do it on TV shows sometimes."  
"TV? You WATCH that infantile dribble?"  
"Only the good stuff. You know, House; CSI, Anatomy for Beginners." I mumbled the last one. Knowing my personality, that would probably worry her needlessly. I couldn't cut her up anyway.  
"What was that last one?"  
"Anatomy for Beginners." Luckily I wasn't too worried about her opinion on my mental stability. "Did you know it takes about 8 seconds to drain a human body of blood given the position of the cut and angling of the body thereafter."  
"Three seconds."  
"Well duh, you're a vam-" Jane's hand clamped over my mouth as the Principle came back out with a girl and the rest of the last word was no more than a mumble.  
"This is Analise. She'll be your 'guide', Lillian."  
"I get my own? SWEET!"  
"I can't wait to show you around the school! You're kind of tanned. Where are you from?"  
"Well slow down you over-achiever! I can't wait to check out your digs either, but I'd like the chance to y'know, sit down and take part in your day-to-day activities."  
Analise seemed somewhat stunned for a moment, like she'd just been hit by the front bumper of a bull chaser. She recovered quickly though and the Principle started to lead Jane and Alec away.  
"Don't eat him!" I shouted at them. They turned back to me, anger in their eyes. I smiled and turned back to Analise. She grabbed my hand and dragged me into the room.  
"This is... oh, I'm so sorry, we weren't introduced."  
"I'm Lillian. I come from a netherworld where I was cloned from the DNA and seed of a progenitor and implanted into the womb of an unscrupulous succubissic harpy." No-one spoke for several moments. It seemed to take an eternity. Where these people really so inbred they didn't know how to respond? Well, most of what I had to say wasn't exactly conventional conversation. Maybe something easy. "I was born in Australia and... adopted by the Cullens about a month ago."  
Everyone 'aaaaah'ed and said their welcomes and Analise sat me down in a chair at the front of the class. I felt eyes on the back of my head and got the itching feeling I'd been dumped with one of the loser good kids who always did the right thing. Two decisions, dump her as soon as I found the cooler kids, or train her sorry ass into a rebel and start an even better cool kids club. The second option would take some time, and some of them might rat me out to the powers that be, who'd most certainly tell Carlisle and Esme. No, option one was better. Besides, it would be easy to ditch Mary Twoshoes once this class was over.

I tuned back into class for the last ten minutes and found out it was some strange kind of science. There was no mention of it on the board so when the teacher directed a question at me, it was my turn to look like I'd been caught in the headlights of an oncoming train.  
"Uhh... y'know, I failed science, and I didn't pick it as an elective; so picking me to answer a question as complex for-"  
"That's okay Lillian, you don't have to answer."  
I smiled. All for the better dear teacher, or else you would have been as confused as I was when you ASKED ME THAT STUPID QUESTION!  
The bell rang as soon as I finished that thought and everyone, including myself, stood up. I hadn't taken my bag off so it was easier for me to get away from Analise. Several people met me at the door and someone linked arms with me.  
"Hey Lillian. I'm Morgan. Why were you sitting with the dork?"  
"Hi Morgan, I was forced into that uncomprimisable situation by your insufferable Principle." Morgan laughed in a high pitched fashion and I unlinked our arms. "I'm not exactly a touchy person. It grates me to ponder on other peoples hygiene habits."  
"You're strange, but you have a cool accent. Wanna sit with us?"  
"Depends. You the popular kids?"  
"Well duh! We saved you from Boring Dorene."  
"Dorene?"  
"It's Analise's middle name. No-one calls her by her first name except adults."  
"Well, this certainly is interesting. What do we have now exactly?"  
"Reccess for ten minutes, than an hour of elective, lunch and then half an hour each for two electives."  
"And in the morning? I assume two half hour subjects?"  
"Whatever your schedule says. You haven't gotten it yet?"  
"Nope. Just made it today."  
"Well, I suppose they probably wanted you to go to class with Dorene." Morgan giggled again. God I felt like slapping the stupid out of her. She suddenly ran ahead of me though and Analise was beside me like an amorphous fog that stuck to my shadow.  
"Morgan is so mean to everyone. Best if you avoid her."  
Oh god no! NO! This was my punishment? Being perpetually stuck to a nerd for who knew how long? Luckily, Morgan ran back to me as I walked into the cafeteria and Analise peeled off, albiet unwillingly.  
"There's like, two new people here, as well as you! Isn't that exciting?"  
"They're from Italy."  
"OMGWHAT? You know them?"  
The first half of that sentence was squeled in my ear and for a moment I thought she might have actually deafened me.  
"Yeah. We're uhh... Let's see, Alec and Jane are Alice's cousins... I'm adopted, they're adopted, she's adopted... we're basically cousins."  
"They're your COUSINS?"  
"OMGLIEKYEAH!" Morgan didn't seem to get my dislike for her screeching. Mostly because she started laughing and jumping up and down. It was about then I realized she was one of those wannabe-popular cock jockeys and I needed to split.

I managed to get eye contact with Alec, who looked like he'd been trying to get me to help him for several moments. I all but ran over to him.  
"Alec, Alec! Come on." I grabbed his hand and pulled him out of his circle of admirers who still trailed behind him. "Where's Jane?" Alec pointed to a table in basic obscurity... at least from the rest of the cafeteria. I dragged Alec over. His fan club were hesistant to step near the Goth table.  
"Jaaaaane? How are you faaaaaairing?"  
All of them turned to look at Alec and I, the former of who sat down next to his sister.  
"It's great. Seems I fit in with that... what did you call them?"  
"'Generally well-mannered, well-read and intelligent children who strive for creative freedom, but do all tend to wear darker colors'?"  
"Yes. I fit in with them. Your description was quite accurate. These are the most intellectual of your species I've come across and they don't even seem to mind that I address you, and them, as the inferior species."  
"Yes, well... play nice." Her newfound friends were looking me over as she spoke. It was weird, but they'd really fit in at the Volturi. Also, I didn't exactly fit in with them, mostly because I didn't want to. I needed the popular kids. The kids more willing to do the ridiculous stuff, and get in trouble.

It wasn't particularly hard to find the real top dogs in the social order, Morgan was at a table nearby and her shrill screams let me know where SHE was. I walked up to the table and dragged a nearby chair over.  
"Excuse YOU." One of the girls said. She looked like she'd be tall if she stood up, and she was wearing what appeared to be, at first glance, a dress, it was something really weird and I assumed she'd made it herself. Well, who's a little fashionista then? I'd have to do something about that later. She flipped her hair and frowned.  
"For what?"  
"What?"  
"What are you excusing me for?"  
The girl sighed dramatically. "Who are you?"  
"Oh, I'm Lillian. One of the new 'students'."  
"One of?"  
"Yeah, there's three of us. Those two-" I turned and pointed at Alec and Jane. "Alec and Jane, are my cousins. They're Italian."  
"And you?"  
"Australian."  
"That's kind of weird. Who're your parents then? Like, why are you in America?" Another girl spoke this time. This female sat next to the first, whom I assumed was the 'leader' of the group (we'd have to do something about that later). She was a blonde haired, blue eyed little trollop by the looks of things; but I'd been wrong before.  
"Well, we're all adopted. The Cullen's adopted me, and Carlisle's brother, Aro, adopted Jane and Alec; who are brother and sister... not by adoption."  
The other teens all looked at each other, confused.  
"It is confusing, but, as you can see, I don't belong at any other table."

"But why should we let you sit here?" One of the other girls, a wiry haired ethnic looking female who was really pretty spoke up. I like her eyes, they were green.

"Well," I leant forward and looked around to "make sure no-one was listening". The eight other teens at the table, six girls and two boys, all leant forward as well. I can honestly understand why Stephanie never mentioned anyone that Bella didn't interact with… no, just kidding. These kids were gorgeous! Maybe it was because they didn't to see the sunlight very often. "I've made the Cullen's life hell for the last… I don't know how long. The time has flown. But I also got to annoy the wol-… the Quilette guys too." I leant back and nodded as if that was the coolest thing anyone in existence could do. They all looked at each other.

"What have you done?"

"Any of you remember Rosalie?"

"Yes."

"Well, I hid all her hairbrushes. She's really narcissistic like that. And Alice?"

"Yeah."

"I ate doughnuts in her wardrobe. It took her weeks to get the sugar smell out. And Edward?"

The girls sighed dreamily at this point, and the boys and myself gagged.

"CAN YOU GET ME A PICTURE OF HIM?" The girls said in unison. I looked at the boys who looked at me with raised eyebrows. I think we all totally shared a moment of complete and utter understanding. One of those profound moments that I'd probably screw up later.

"Uhhh… okay. So, can I chill with you guys while Carlisle has us undergo this daily torture?"

"Yeah sure. I'm Nate by the way." Nate was nice. Not like that stupid whatshisface from Gossip Girl. The other pupils names turned out to be Lisa, Katie, Stanley, Jessica and Cryssie.

"Well, this is going to be _fun_ then." I smirked.

**Well, that's enough for now. If I make mistakes about America High Schools, tell me! Also, give me some ideas on what you'd like to see her do, at the school or at the Cullens or Quilettes.**


	33. What you thought was normal

Jasper: ... I exist again?

**For now.**

Jasper: Why did it take you so long to write something new?

**I HAVE MY OWN BOOK TO CONTEND WITH!**

Jasper: Okay, okay.

**And I was sick. **_**coughcough**_

Jasper: All rights to the characters are reserved by Stephanie Meyer. Scenes, scenarios and extra characters not mentioned with the Saga are reserved and copywrited to Lillian.

**Good boy.**

**CHAPTER 33**: What you thought was normal

The rest of the day passed with me acting like the most perfect new student in existance. My accent helped when I didn't understand something because seriously, who wanted to be an asshole to an Australian? We could tie you up and beat the shit out of you with grass. I couldn't help but notice that I stuck out in the sea of mostly white people. Being tanned was kind of awesome. Yes, the rest of the day went without mishap. I ditched Dorene and Morgan, established myself in the popular group and made sure Alec and Jane didn't eat anyone at lunch. That would be unfortunate, and I'd probably get in trouble for it too.

By the end of the day, I had homework and a plan set out for ultimate chaos. Chances are Alice would probably already know about it. Stupid future reader. That's still okay, there were ways around her powers and I'd already factored those in. If she found out about one, there was about five other scenarios that could play out. Luckily, it wasn't Alice who picked us up. Or Edward. Or even Bella. They could all see right through my pretty little smile and into the cold darkness of my soul. Jane and Alec were starting to catch my hints of when something was about to happen to. I'd have to mix it up for them.

It was Carlisle that picked us up. In his nice shiny mercedes. I prefered an SLS AMG but this was Carlisle, he was so old. I got in between Alec and Jane, in the back... again, and started thinking of the homework I'd already gotten. By the time we got back to the house, my face was scrunched up and I was NOT going to do it. No way, no how! They sent me to school, didn't mean I had to... wait. This was a game. This was one of their sick, sick, stupid games. They wanted me to rebel. DAMNIT! I almost fell for that. Damn I was lucky!

Jane and Alec split away from me when we got inside the house... probably going to feed or something. Speaking of food, I headed for the kitchen. No-one was in there so I threw the bag I'd been given on the first chair I saw and aimed for the fridge. I knew they had juice boxes. I liked juice boxes. They had juice in them. Just as I pulled one out of the fridge, I heard a rustle behind me. I ignored it. They would probably want me to actually study. I didn't study. Unfortunately, I was hardly ever wrong. A cough behind me signaled they wanted my attention. Nope. Not getting it.

"Lillian..."

Oh, it was Carlisle. I grinned and turned around quickly. "Yes my love?"

"... you move on quickly don't you?"

"Oh no. I still love Aro. I'm just making Esme jealous."

"Haven't you got some work to catch up on?"

"Yes. I haven't tortured Edward in a few days. Not sufficiently; and Jacob still needs to be house trained."

"I meant school work."

"Oh... that can wait. I have priorities. Like this juice box."

"Nothing is more important than school work."

"Clearly you've never spent time in my shoes."

Carlisle let out a heavy sigh and I started drinking.

"I expect to see you working in ten minutes." He left quickly after that.

"You expect it, but you won't see it." I unzipped the bag and pulled out the work anyway. May as well see what it looked like. I got halfway through the first page of the English homework when I pushed it away and walked into the living room. No-one was inside. AWESOME! I walked over to the couch, jumped the bag and grabbed the remote that I ended up sitting on. It was cartoon time!

No it wasn't! The TV turned off and I looked at my hand. I knew this trick... no, wait. The remote was still in my hand. The power button wasn't making it work either. Stupid, stupid vampires. They were trying to get back at me. That's okay. I walked over to the TV and pressed the power button there. The cartoons came back on and I covered the button with my hand. Cartoons have a way of taking time away from you without you realizing it and the next thing I knew I was sitting on the couch without the remote, without the TV on and without my juice box! Carlisle was standing in front of me. Looking angry as hell if I had to guess. "Didn't I tell you to do your homework?"

"Yes."

"So why aren't you doing it?"

"Oh, you meant today?" I smiled innocently and he started growling. I squealed. Even if I was terrified, which I was only slightly, it was growling! Like a little puppy wolf. He wasn't allowed to hurt me; and if he changed me, I'd go live with the Volturi. They didn't want that, so I had them all in a stalemate. Seriously, if I could love myself anymore I'd probably split into two people and marry myself.

"Yes. I meant. Today." He was talking through his teeth.

I stood up and walked around Carlisle for a moment, completely ignoring him. I still had at least a third of my juice left and I wasn't going to just let it sit there and get warm without me. It was in front of the TV. I picked it up, stuck the straw in my mouth and turned around to face him, smiling. His eyes had gotten darker and he was breathing significantly harder. I stopped smiling. Maybe I could have answered one question.

"Do you need a napkin? You look like you're drooling." He disappeared and I turned the TV back on, grinning lightly to myself. Three seconds later the power went out. OH NO! THE POWER WAS OUT! How was I going to write up pranks in the dark?

This was terrible, this was HORRBILE! I started crying. Esme and Carlisle entered at what appeared to be the same time, but Carlisle was still giving off an air of anger and Esme looked upset. Oh, that's right, she hated it when people cried. I stared at them as they buzztalked to each other and Esme threw semi-desperate glances at me. Eventually she turned to looking at Carlisle with something like surprise. "YOU WHAT?" Carlisle responsed and she started at him again. "WHAT?" She turned to me. "Lillian, can you please go do your homework?"

I cut off my crying and smiled awkwardly at her. Oh yes. Yes I would. This would annoy Carlisle and make her think I liked her. Oh yes! Thank you Esme; setting into motion plans I hadn't even thought about.

"Okay." I walked back into the kitchen, sat down on the chair and pulled the work back. The lights came on a few moments later and Edward walked into the kitchen and stopped. I looked up and smiled... nicely this time.

"What?"

"What?"

"What are you planning?"

I pointed to the homework. "French?"

"... right."

"Will a shifty grin and a slight snicker get you off my case?"

"I've come to expect it."

"Well, not today!"

"What's so special about today?"

"We've gone through a whole conversation without me insulting you." I turned back to the homework and continued writing as Edward stood on the other side of the kitchen for a few moments before disappearing. Heh. I should do that a few more times. Get him comfortable with the idea of me smiling nicely. Then kick him in the scrotum.

"I HEARD THAT!"

Okay, maybe not.


	34. Not so bad

Jasper : Wow. We'd thought you forgot about us.

**I did.**

Jasper: ...

**That's right.**

Jasper: Twilight isn't Lillian's.

**So, you've probably noticed that I haven't updated in a while.**

**There are several reasons for that. **

**1) We must all remember that I don't actually **_**like**_** Twilight.  
2) I moved house.**

**3) I got a job.**

**4) I completely forgot about it.**

**But that's okay, because my friends girlfriend reminded me by watching BDp1 while I was over and kickstarted my memory. I also found this half finished chapter. I also finished another chapter, so I'll put that one up too and ya'll can tell me if you still like it enough to want me to continue.**

An hour later I was slumped over the pages of homework strewn uncoordinately across the kitchen counter. A thin string of drool escaped from the corner of my mouth and I was happily dreaming about sleeping in my own bed. Back in my own world. With my own sheets. It seemed so real too. So when someone started pulling the pages from underneath me, I woke up slightly angry and wondered why my dad was taking it away from me. Still groggy, I opened my eyes and tried to pull all the pages back. He grabbed my hands and held them up away from the table until my head came back into focus and I could realize what was going on. It was Jasper. What the hell? Didn't he try to avoid me at all costs?

"Lillian, it's all right. You're at home."

I frowned at him and growled. "This isn't my home."

Jaspers face darkened slightly, mimicking my mood and I stopped growling at him.

"You never wake a sleeping dragon."

"You were drooling on your homework."

I looked down at the paper like it was the first time I'd seen it. "I did this? OH GOD! OH NO!"

Jasper started to look worried and he let go of my hands. "What's wrong?"

"IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! OH GODOHGODOHGOD!"

"What's wrong?"

"!"

"CARLISLE!"

Carlisle appeared in the doorway, not a hair out of place, but still looking slightly angry. "What?" I was still screaming and Jasper just pointed to me. Carlisle walked over, grabbed my face and turned to look me in the eyes.

"What's wrong?"

"The homework! I... I finished it!"

Carlisle looked confused. Jasper felt confused. We all looked at the homework.

"So why are you screaming?"

"I finished it!"

"I see."

"ON TIME!"

Jasper giggled a little. Carlisle threw him a glare and he covered it with a cough.

"Oh Carlisle, what are we going to do with me? I'm infected with dogood."

"What?"

"Dogood. Where you constantly do good things... like finish homework; and you're nice to people."

Carlisle's face dropped into seriousness. "Yes. I'm afraid it's terminal."

I sniffled and hugged him before I started crying. "WHATAMIGOINGTODO!"

"All you can do; live with it."

I felt his head turn to where Jasper most likely still was. I smirked into Carlisle's shirt, but he must have taken it as a whimper because he started patting my back and saying it was going to be all right. What a sucker. Finish some homework, cry and say you can't do anything bad and he's all under-thumb. Poor guy, I almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

I let go of Carlisle and went to stand up when he pointed to the mess of paper on the table. I realized I was still holding some paper in my hands too. "Clean it."

"Yes, Carlisle." I bundled the pages together neatly and stuck them back in the bag, smiled at Carlisle, then Jasper, and disappeared around them. I looked down at the clothes Alice had given me in the morning and decided to raid her closet instead. A whoosh of air at the stairs told me that was going to be a little hard, but I was serious. As much as I didn't want to admit it, she did have some good clothes and I did need some new clothes.

At the top of the stairs I turned left to her bedroom and even knocked on the door. She answered, looking at me wearily and I bowed my head shamefully. If I was going to demean myself, I may as well go the whole way. "I am... sorry." She looked at me dubiously. "I need your help with clothes." Oh that killed me. I didn't show it, that would have ruined the scenario, and then she would never have helped me. That seemed to be the words she wanted to hear anyway.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"And you'll wear whatever I give you?"

"Within reason."

"What reasons?"

"No dresses. No pink."

The corner of her mouth crinkled in thought before she smiled and pulled me into the room.

Three hours later Alice finally left me alone long enough that I could escape her room. No, not really. Three hours later I was finally tired enough and laden with enough clothes that she helped me move them into the room I'd been given. I was seriously exhausted. Several days in a coma, and then right back into school the next day. It was tiring. I collapsed on the bed and started to drift off to sleep immediately when Alice started poking me.

"What?"

"What are you doing?"

"Sleeping."

"Not just yet."

I vocalized my annoyance and tried crawling under the sheets but Alice had grabbed my ankles and I couldn't move. "NOOO! I WANT TO SLEEP!"

"You need to eat first."

"God! What are you? The gingerbread witch?"

"I thought you were a nice person now."

"I'm a tired person, now."

"Come on, get up."

I growled angrily and slowly rolled over as much as I could until she let go of my feet. I stood up slowly and she followed me.

"No, I want to sleep."

Her hand snapped out, found my back and led me outside the room.

"I want to sleep."

"After dinner."

'Dinner' was a family affair. I'd never had dinner with the Cullen's before. Esme and Carlisle sat at one head of the table and Rosalie and Emmet took the other head. Edward, Bella and Renesmee sat along one side and Jasper, Alice and I sat on the other. I stared at all of them. Mostly because all the food was near Renesmee and I and Rosalie looked very bored. They drank the blood out of animals throats. I looked at Renesmee, who was eating with no hesitation. Carlisle, Esme and Alice were all looking at me. I was looking at the food with disgust. Alice pushed a plate closer to me and I stared at her. Really? REALLY? Whatever. I picked up a fork slowly and started poking at the medium-rare steak in front of me and smeared the mashed potato over it.

Hunger was really the last thing on my mind at the moment and I let my head sink slowly as everyone started talking about... whatever. I couldn't hear. Next thing I knew, someone's hand was on my shoulder and I was shaking myself awake. I turned to the hand to find it was Jasper tapping me. Renesmee had almost finished all the food on the table and I took a slow bite of some potato still on mine.

"Are you all right, Lillian?"

Everyone stopped talking and looked at me as soon as Carlisle spoke. I dropped the fork onto my plate and sighed. I was never a happy person when I was tired, and I had never been in a coma before. Surely there was some rule about not forcing coma people to go to school right after they got better.

"I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I spent a whole day at school without thinking of burning it down or running away. I spent an hour doing HOMEWORK and three hours with Alice in her wardrobe. I'm pretty sure that five minute break she took was to go shopping for more clothes. Not to mention I only woke up from a coma yesterday." I took a deep breath and sighed. I could have gone on. I could have ridiculed every single one of them for several minutes each, but that would exert energy and I'd probably pass out.

The only one not silent still was Renesmee, who'd gone back to eating after five words. Rosalie and Bella turned back to their little cherub faced demon. Esme looked worried and Carlisle was doing some thoughtful facial movements.

"All the same, you should eat something."

I pushed the plate away from me and looked at him defiantly.

"You'll get nothing til breakfast."

"Maybe I won't eat then, either." I pushed the plate forward, right into Renesmee's path. She stopped for half a second before she pulled it to herself and started eating.

"Alright then, go to sleep."

I pushed away from the table and walked back up to the room. I was completely nackered and had to go to school, AGAIN, the next day. I threw myself on the bed and was about to go to sleep when something cold pressed against my forehead. Several things ran through my mind until I was sure it was fingertips.

"I thought you couldn't feel heat... or something."

"Fallacy."

It was Aro. Yeah, I could definitely go to sleep with him around. What did he want anyway?

"What do you want?"

"To make sure you are okay."

I opened one eye. His hand was still on my forehead.

"By checking my temperature?"

"Yes."

"So?"

"It's about normal."

I closed my eye and rolled over. His hand disappeared. I pretended to fall asleep. Even, regular breathing. Slight eye shifts. REM. It was believable, I was exhausted.

"Interesting..."

That was the last thing I heard. After that, I actually did fall asleep.

Six - eight hours later, I woke on my own. In the foreign room with the really comfortable sheets. I drew them up to my chin and snuggled into them moments before they were crudely ripped away. Okay, so not ripped. They were gently pulled away and I shriveled into a ball and groaned. Whoever it was didn't bother poking me out of bed and I tried clawing down in to the mattress. 0% success rate. By the time I was used to the cold, I got up and checked myself in the mirror. A quick adjustment to the scarf and I straggled downstairs to the kitchen. It was empty too. Good, I wasn't really in the mood to talk. I ruffled my hair to get it into an effortlessly messy form and walked over to the fridge before I opened the door. Nothing looked appealing so I grabbed a bottle of water. I stood there for a few minutes with the door open, wondering if they'd stocked it for my tastes when I'd gotten here. Not that it would be any different to Renesmee's tastes, I guess. She must love black pudding.

My bag was on the counter, packed up. I only knew that because my homework wasn't strewn all over the place. It was probably Esme. Silly woman needed a hobby. Like a vegetable garden. I grabbed the bag after checking that everything was, in fact, inside, and headed to the garage. Let's just get this day over with. Then I could come back and sleep off the rest of my exhaustion.

The only problem with that was... no-one was here. Carlisle's car was gone. Esme wasn't cleaning. Edward, Bella and Renesmee had no particular reason to be here; and who really knew where Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett were. I looked along the row of cars, matching them up to who owned them before I found one that wasn't exactly anyone's. In fact, it had a heavy cover of dust over it. I started walking towards it when I remembered that Jane and Alec were supposed to be going to school as well... and where was Aro? It was all just a little bit odd and I started to ink onto the fact that they might be trying something. Well, they'd have to try at a better time.

"We have school, shittards." Jane, Alec and Alice all appeared after that. I frowned at them. "Stop fucking around."

"We didn't know you were so keen to go."

"Well, maybe I changed my mind... Theda."

"Call me that again and I'll-"

"CHILDREN!" Alice stood between Jane and I and pushed me lightly into the car. Still between the children of the corn.

The ride to school was incredibly slow; and incredibly quiet. For once, the silence didn't bother me. Alec, Jane and I split up as soon as we got out of the car and Alice drove off. Jane went to her friends, Alec went... wherever he went, and I went to find those clueless popular kids. They really had no idea. I had to walk through the halls for a little while and narrowly avoided shrieking Morgan. Maybe I could persaude Jane or Alec to... get rid of her. I finally found Stanley and Katie.

"Hey, Lillian!" I turned to find Jessica running up to me just as I was about to say hello to Stanley and Katie. Nate was just behind her.

"Hey."

"I didn't expect you back today."

"Yeah, well, if I would have gotten dragged if I didn't come willingly."

Jessica laughed softly and pushed my shoulder lightly. I frowned at her for a second. "So, did you get that picture of Edward?"

I had totally forgotten. "No, he runs away from me whenever he sees me," I rolled my eyes. "I have _no_ idea why."

"Oh well, you can get it later, maybe." Or never!

"Have you gotten your class schedule yet?" I looked at Stanley, who had asked. No, I hadn't. How silly of me. That little piece of paper that I would plan all my horribleness around. I started to grin sadistically, but smoothed it and shook my head.

"I have not. I will go get that now." And go I did. I still had to figure out things that I could do at a school. Apparently pulling the fire alarm wasn't that cool of a trick, so I had to think of different ones. Or figure out a way to get pulled out. Burning the school would be a sure way, but I wasn't interested in distrupting these kids learning. They _needed_ it to get out of this town.

With my class sheet in hand, I headed back out into the hallway and started for the first class. It would probably take me the whole lesson period to find it anyway... speaking of whole lesson periods. I would just _looooooooooove_ to stay in school all day. A plan started to formulate, but I kept it from getting too readily available to Alice. That little bitch would totally it!

It turns out that it only took me five minutes to find my new class because Cryssie spotted me and we had the same class. She was the first person I passed along my plan to, and she seemed to enjoy the idea. At recess, we met up with the others again and she passed along the plan to them while I did something else, because chances are that Alice wasn't paying attention to _their_ futures. So it was set, though I was still thinking of class after lunch.

The two classes between recess and lunch seemed to drag on forever, but before I knew it, I was waiting outside near the carpark for the five of them. One by one, they slowly trickled in and we slowly edged our way out of sight of the school before we took off. It was a struggle to keep the last classes in my future while exchanging information with my new 'friends'. They stopped after a while and started talking about cars and getting their driving permits.

Nothing in Forks was very far away from anything, so after stopping in at the coffee shop, we walked to the Trailer Park (something alone that made me want to roll my eyes and chuckle derisively at) and sat down on the grass. It was at this point that a phone went off in our little group. Everyone stopped talking and looked at each other before they all had their phones out and were looking at me. The phone stopped and I went through my bag. It started going off again before I found it and looked at who was calling.

"Hello?"

_Where are you?_

"I'm at School. Where are _you_?"

I'm _at the school. Haven't you heard the PA?_

Mother bleeping son of a bleep.

I chuckled nervously. "Of course I heard the PA. I'm just ignoring you. _GOHOME!_" I whispered the last part through my teeth and into the phone.

_You left your lunch at home and I'm here to give it to you._

"Here's an idea, leave it at the front, and I'll come and get it when you aren't there."

_Here's an idea. You come here, I'll give it to you, and then I'll go home._

"No."

_Where are you, really?_

Think fast, think fast...

"I'm in the men's toilet."

I think she chuckled.

_Seriously?_

"What can I say, it's a dare and it's going to take all lunch."

Stanley and Nate started laughing and talking quietly as if they were actually in the bathroom and I gave them a thumbs up. It probably wouldn't fool Alice though. Her and her damn superior hearing.

_We'll talk about this when you get home._

She hung up and I breathed out. Pretty sure she wasn't convinced. I turned back to the group.

"Okay, here's what I _really_ want to do." And I told them all about it while I really planned on doing my homework when I got back to the Cullen's house. This torture was actually turning into a place of fun. I should have done this back at my own school.

**No words of significance.**


	35. Poker Nights

Jasper: You're really making up for all this lost time aren't you?

**-sinister smirk- You don't even know the half of it.**

Jasper: So... we should be worried?

**More than ever before.**

Jasper: But I'm exempt, right?

**Only until after I've taught you how to drive.**

Jasper: Has it really been ten disclaimers?

**It's no more a disclaimer as it's screwing around before the chapter starts.**

Jasper: To lubricate their humor?

**HAHAHAHAHAHAHA... you said lubricate!**

Jasper: ...

So it was all set up. Well, not quite. It would take a few days for the popular kids to work their magic on the school and weed out the people we needed, but other than that, it was all set up; and Alice was none the wiser. Okay, so she was probably a little wise to it. No-one sits around for 2 hours thinking of doing homework. The six of us made the mad dash back to school just before the final bell rang and joined the crowd of people flocking for the exit doors. Alec and Jane caught up to me in that rush. They probably knew something was wrong too. I should stop smiling.

Carlisle was back to pick us up, and he looked disappointed at me and cautious at the same time. I couldn't help it, I couldn't stop smiling. This time though, I sat in the front seat and this ride home actually wasn't that bad... though it was still silent... and Jane was glaring at me. Bitches should shotgun the front seat if they want it.

Back at the house, Jane and Alec split off as soon as they could. Probably to annoy Aro into letting them not go to school anymore. Alice was waiting at the door to the garage and Carlisle was walking behind me patiently. Oh no. I'd totally forgotten about Alice's talk. I smiled at her (HAH! Just kidding, I was already smiling) and attempted to walk past her.

"Oh no, no. Living room." She put her hand on my shoulder and steered me into the living room. My smile vanished slightly and completely disappeared when she and Carlisle remained standing and looking at me.

"Is there a problem?"

"You lied to me."

"I've lied to pretty much everyone."

"You weren't at school today."

"I was!" I was getting indignant. I may have... but I was still there!

Edward walked in at that moment. Oh yes, choice timing. "She's hiding something."

"I'm hiding _every_thing." I said the last word sinisterly and smirked.

"Lillian," I looked at Carlisle and smiled soft and sweetly. "Where were you today?"

"At school." He was not going to trick me into giving away my secrets!

"ARO!" GODDAMNIT EDWARD!

Aro was at the door while I, for the first time during my stay, hand-faced.

"We need you to read her memories."

Aro was sitting next to me and reaching for my hand. I jerked away from him, putting my feet against his shoulder and pushed away, rolling at the same time. I landed on the floor and started to crawl away. Someone grabbed the back of my shirt before I got the full way around the couch and dragged me back next to Aro. "NO!" I pushed against Aro's face. He would tell them all! And then I would be in trouble!

"She's feisty again."

Edward sighed and left, Alice and Carlisle both folded their arms at the same time and Aro struggled to grab hold of an available piece of flesh... as I had turtled myself inside my shirt.

"Lillian, please."

"You're sweet honey words won't persuade me this time, my love."

"If you really love me-" I peeked out of my shirt.

"Thems is fightin' words." Also, kinda creepy. Aro raised an eyebrow.

"You have to PROMISE you won't tell them a thing."

Alice opened her mouth and Aro held up a finger to her, still looking at me.

"That depends."

"On?"

"On what it is."

"No deal." I withdrew back into my shirt.

"I'd much rather you allowed me to without having to hold you down."

Peek. One-eyed frown. He looked serious, but he always looked serious.

"Or I could have Jane torture you until you agreed."

I pushed my hand against his face and withdrew my head back into my shirt. Aro gripped my hand and took it away from his face as he read my memories. Mind troll. He chuckled.

When he let go, I straighted out and crossed my arms, unhappy at being blackmailed into complying with Aro. "Well?" Alice and Carlisle asked unanimously.

"She went out for lunch."

Carlisle, Alice and I all looked at him incredulously. That was all that he was going to say? Really?

"Really?" Carlisle was the first to speak.

"Really."

"She still lied..." Alice sounded upset. "AND NO-ONE THINKS ABOUT HOMEWORK FOR TWO HOURS!" She yelled and pointed at me.

"What? It's exciting. HOMEWORK! By the way, totally unrelated, does anyone here know how to play Poker?"

Aro, I could see, was struggling not to chuckle. So much so that he left without another word. Alice looked at Carlisle, still pointing at me, with her mouth shut. "We can't break her defenses, and she's apparently got Aro working with her now. There's nothing we can do this time."

This time? Oh you joker, Carlisle. How about NEVAR!

"Which just leaves us with _my_ question about poker. Does Jasper know how to play? I'll even learn from Edward... minus the gay jokes." I said the last part a little louder in case he wasn't paying attention.

Alice turned to face me again, glared, huffed and disappeared. Carlisle sat down on the couch next to me. He looked sad. "Lillian,"

"Carlisle."

"... How are you enjoying school?"

Oh. "It's great. Made some friends."

He looked up at me and frowned a little. "Friends?"

"Yes. People I don't annoy."

"You could make friends with us."

I put my hand on his shoulder and sighed as I looked down. "Carlisle, I'm never going to be friends with your kids."

"I thought you liked Jasper."

"Except Jasper."

"And Emmett."

"And Emmett."

"And Alice?"

"HAH! ... no."

"What about the wolves?"

That sent me into hysterics. The wolves... and me... friends. Oh Carlisle, you joker.

When I could breath again, I stood up, grabbed my bag and started for the kitchen. "You are _so_ funny sometimes, Carlisle." I still hadn't played any pranks on him. That would have to change soon. Or not, there wasn't really a way to annoy Carlisle... and I'd already painted his car. Could anyone ever, _really_, play a horrible prank on Carlisle? Well, yes. Me, if I thought of one good enough. Which reminded me, I hadn't made fun of the wolves in a while. At least with them, Alice couldn't see what I had planned; and therefore couldn't stop me. I sat down at the bench in the kitchen and took out the homework that I _had_ been given today and started working on it with a small smirk and a light shake of my head. Oh Lillian, you amazing girl.

**This is one of those boring chapters. BOOOOOOOOOOOORING!**


End file.
